Why Hell hath No Fury…
If
you follow gymnastics (and even possibly if you don't at this point) you may
have heard of the atrocious case against Lawrence “Larry” Nassar. Under the guise of team physician he sexually
abused over 140 girls – gymnasts as well as other female athletes who sought
his care. It is horrifying and disgusting, but it is not shocking.
If
you are shocked, you are naïve. Child
abuse scandals from the Catholic church to the atrocities of Penn State
permeated our media, yet people like Larry Nassar still continue to prey on
victims for years before being discovered. Chances are that you know an adult
who was the victim of childhood sexual abuse.
According to RAINN,
1 in 9 girls and 1 in 53 boys have been the victims of childhood sexual abuse. Trust
me, you know someone.
Don’t
fool yourself into thinking it’s just gymnastics. This doesn’t just go away when the media
coverage dies down. It happens multiple
times a day to multiple children. As
more youth sports go the way of gymnastics, swimming, tae kwon do (just to name
a few) with demanding specialization at earlier ages, traveling for
competitions, and longer seasons, more sports make themselves attractive to
would-be sexual predators. I challenge you to Google search any youth sport and
sexual abuse. I daresay you will find
more than one actual account of a prosecuted case against a professional member
of that sport.
Did
you try it? Are you angry yet?
I
am currently a professional member of USA Gymnastics. I hold a “Safety Certification” as well as a
“SafeSport” certification. From this I learned about not tampering with
equipment because it voids your warranty and your liability insurance will not
cover you. From Safesport, I know to
never be alone with a child athlete.
From the SafeSport pamphlet USAG gave me last spring, I learned that it
is a responsibility of the minor child to never be alone with a coach…because
minors have so much say in the affairs of the adults in their lives.
I
want to share with you my experience NOT because I need validation and
definitely not for pity, but I need you to understand how pervasive it is in
our society. What it looks like when it
isn’t happening to international elites at a remote camp in Texas. What it
looks like when it is your child because I easily could have been your child. I
need you to know my perspective so you can know why you should be so angry,
too. Because I am furious…
I
am furious that this is still happening.
I
am furious that this is not a unique case, not surprising, and not even shocking.
I
was victimized by a professional member of USA Gymnastics who was also “safety
certified”. He was prosecuted for
multiple counts of sexual battery by an authority figure and served time nearly
15 years ago. And I am furious.
I
am furious that after hours and hours wasted, USA Gymnastics failed to even
respond to my parents multiple requests for information even for USAG to just
tell them they had none.
I
am furious that to protect themselves then President Bob Colarossi had the
“Permanently Ineligible Member” list withheld from their professional
publication because the coaches who were supposed to be added (Don Peters and
Steven Elliott) had national notoriety.
-
It took the pressure of national news coverage from ABC’s 20/20
to get them to publish the list.
I
am furious that so many good people I know, who are professionals and teach the
sport with so much love and passion, have had their good reputations tarnished
by the inactions of USA Gymnastics over so many years. How dare they!
I
am furious that USA Gymnastics received concerns about coaches, enough to place
them on “probation”, but would not alert authorities or even other club owners.
They enabled more children to be put at
risk and abused. What good did this do?
I
am furious that another precious child was victimized because I was too afraid
to speak up.
I
am furious that still today, children are afraid to speak up.
-
What has changed in 15 years?
Obviously, not enough!
I
am furious that my grooming began when I was 11 years old.
-
I was proselytized to, lectured and made to feel poorly for
the denomination my parents chose to raise me in.
-
I was praised for saying I believed things, spiritually, that
aligned with my abuser’s belief systems even when my parents did not endorse
nor instill in me those beliefs.
I
am furious that I was made to be afraid for so long.
-
I was told constantly how it would be my fault if my abuser
lost everything.
- I was told repeatedly he would be saved, but my actions as a woman could not be forgiven. I did not even know what my actions were at the time.
- I was told repeatedly he would be saved, but my actions as a woman could not be forgiven. I did not even know what my actions were at the time.
-
I was reminded how hurt and shamed my father would be if he
found out.
-
I was told repeatedly that my parents would kick me out of my
house if they found out.
-
I was told repeatedly that all he had to do was get me
pregnant and I would be forced to live with him. In fact I prayed I could not get
pregnant. So when over 10 years later I
desperately wanted a child and could not conceive, you cannot even begin to
know how many wounds were reopened.
I
am furious that he took advantage of my innocence and naivety.
I
am furious that my coach bragged about using techniques he supposedly learned
from the Karolyi’s.
-
He pitted my teammates and I against each other and worse he
made us feel worthless by ignoring us for days and up to weeks at a time.
-
I am still at a loss by the time he strong armed me into the
corrugated side of the gym hard enough to knock trophies over and got away with
it in a gym full of people because he could.
I am furious from the emotional abuse I endured at the hands of my coach that enabled me to be groomed and preyed upon.
-
I was told I was going to Hell, repeatedly.
-
I was told that my soul was worthless, and I was doomed.
-
My abuser said he was the only person in the world who could
care about me.
I
am furious with how he ruined my confidence in my gymnastics and then myself.
-
I would learn a new skill and he would talk about how
dangerous it was and how he would never let his child do it.
I
am furious at how he made everyone believe I was emotionally unstable as if
that was my desired state and not entirely his fault.
I
am furious that while he was abusing me, he was grooming the parents of the
next generation.
I am furious that my comfort was knowing that I would be coached for at least a couple of days after I was abused.
I am furious that my comfort was knowing that I would be coached for at least a couple of days after I was abused.
I am furious at how
isolated he made me feel and in turn how isolated I became.
-
He pushed most of my same age peers out of the gym.
-
He repeatedly told me he was the only one who understood me,
and the only person that loved my condemned soul.
I
am furious for the wedge he drove between my mother and me.
-
Always taking my side in arguments when I truly was being a
petulant adolescent
-
Exaggerating things my mother said about my gymnastics or
worse, my life.
-
Inserting himself as a “hero” figure.
I
am furious that he victimized my parents by grooming and taking advantage or
their trust.
-
He employed my brother
-
He gave my parents gifts and frequently sought their advice.
I
am furious that he had the audacity to buy land next door to my childhood home.
I am furious that
he rented a house just down the street from me.
I am furious that
he stalked me after I tried to quit gymnastics.
-
The one and only time I cut school early was to drive home
earlier than usual because I knew he would be waiting for me to drive by his
house.
I am furious that I couldn't tell my mom why I wanted to quit.
I am furious that I couldn't tell my mom why I wanted to quit.
I am furious that
he came to my school and was permitted to leave a note.
-
I was not safe anywhere.
I
am furious that I was made to feel ashamed for the actions he took.
-
I was told people would call me names and my reputation would be tarnished.
-
I was told it would not have happened if I had not wanted it
to happen.
I
am furious that I was victim-shamed.
-
I was shamed for “not knowing better.”
-
I was made to feel small by the investigator who told me how
little 4 and 5 years olds had no problem giving statements. As if a young child understands shame and
embarrassment or the incredible amount of energy I had spent making people
think everything was okay for so many years.
-
I was shamed by people who told me their daughters would
have punched their abuser in the face.
-
I was shamed by a healthcare provider who said my shorts were
too short.
-
I was shamed by the rumors that I was some kind of jail-bait,
whore.
I
am furious because the points directly above proved my abuser right. I was shamed and my parents were hurt.
I
am furious for the constant self-doubt I am ever cursed with because of my
abuse.
I
am furious that people said I was ruined or damaged goods and worse when they
thought they were being sympathetic by saying so.
I
am furious that my abuser made me question if my life was worth living.
I
am furious at how many years I spent being afraid of men.
I
am furious that statutes of limitations worked against myself and the other
victim increasing our ages and lessening the seriousness of our case.
I
am furious that my abuser was too big a coward to face either a trial or enter a
plea of guilty instead of no contest.
I
am furious at the Courts and the Judges who do not take the time to read
investigative reports to even know what is going on with the case before
accepting a plea deal.
-
The judge in my case knew my father, yet had no idea why he
or my family were in his court that day in spite of the fact a lengthy
investigation and psychological testing had been done on my abuser which
indicated he was a risk to abuse again.
I
am furious that my abuser was allowed back into gyms and around little girls by
the courts.
I
am furious that I spent longer in counseling than my abuser spent in jail for
19 counts of sexual battery.
I
am furious that I have had to work at least three times harder for the
accomplishments I do have because of this experience.
I
am furious for the years of my life I was too affected by this to enjoy.
I
am furious that people think that my situation was unique.
It
is not.
They
groom, they isolate, they abuse, they repeat.
That
child who loses her luster for her sport…
The
kid who doesn’t want to go to his practice anymore…
The
kid who never fully recovers from seemingly minor injuries…
…or
the kid who is injured all the time from mechanical compulsion rather than
focused effort.
The
coach that is there constantly.
The
coach that interferes with your parenting.
The
coach that tells you your kid is “special”.
The
coach that is overly involved in your child’s life.
As
the mother of a 2 year old, I’ve not yet experienced putting my child in a
competitive sport, but I hope that I will be vigilant enough to see the warning
signs, to listen to my gut that I suppressed for so long. I hope that my parenting is not fear-based
but rather experience-based. I hope that
the grooming behaviors and a predator telling me my child is special, that if I
sign him up for privates, or send him to a special camp that I am discouraged
to attend raise hairs. I hope my pride does not get in the way of protecting my
child.
I
plan to teach my child what sexual abuse is. What he should do if anyone touches
him. It’s a conversation I am not sure
all of my peers are comfortable having with their children. But how can they know they are being abused
if they do not know what abuse is?
As
parents we need to demand a change of culture. Demand that children are
believed and in environments that are safe.
We must promote a culture by raising children who are well-versed with
their bodies and who understand adults should not ask them to keep secrets that
make them feel ashamed. We want our children to feel empowered to disclose
things that make them feel uncomfortable.
No
child should have to experience abuse.
No parent should have to pay for their child to be abused. No gym owner should have to question whether
they are getting all the information they need from the governing body of their
sport when making hiring decisions.
I
want other survivors to know there is absolutely nothing that can stop you from
living the life you pictured before your abuse.
You are stronger and every single bit as worthy as you were before the
abuse/assault happened. There will even be a time in your life when months go
by that you don’t think about your abuse.
You owe yourself every chance you would have given yourself before. So allow yourself to go on. Allow yourself to succeed.
I
want to sincerely thank my husband, best friend, and parents for their
unwavering support. I also want to
deeply thank those people, especially those with whom I’ve crossed paths in the
gymnastics community for being caring, supportive and giving me a peace with
the sport I fell in love with as a child. There are far too many of you to
name, but my Ursinus family and my Tennessee Gymnastics family are worth
noting.
And
I want predators to know that "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."
Mary
Katherine Roberts
