I know...I'm a huge slacker...I can't even blame school at the moment.
So Matt turned 3 in January, and because I'm awesome at the whole mom thing when I waited to schedule his three y/o appointment until March as requested it couldn't be scheduled until the end of April. On the plus side, he did break 30lbs by his 3 y/o appointment...granted he was 3 1/3 years old by then, but who is counting? I did not attend this appointment due to a work conflict, but since I always leave his well-checks feeling like DCS is going to be knocking on my door [I don't know how many calories he eats a day/he's not completed some major developmental task like threading a needle and sewing a button on a piece of cloth independently/he drinks too much Carnation Instant Breakfast, doesn't eat Brussel sprouts/doesn't cut shapes out with scissors (WHAT SAVAGE WOULD GIVE A 3 YEAR-OLD SCISSORS SHARP ENOUGH TO CUT ANYTHING?)/we didn't take him to a pediatric dentist-just a regular dentist, etc], I felt no remorse.
Interestingly, the things I was disturbed by - his lack of fluency, continence and overall lack of progress towards independent living did not seem to disturb anyone at his pediatric office at all. Seriously, what good is sewing on a button, when you can't even use the stupid button!!! I realize that our pediatrician and we maybe have different goals for Matt at the end of the day, but honestly I thought she'd be more on my side at least on the potty training bit. Instead we got the whole "They'll do it on their own time."
Well listen, Linda...It's not his time...it's Dada and Mommy's time and MONEY...Matt (and us pending an FBI investigation) got into a great preschool the kind where people with PhDs work with the littles even in the "lower school". Catch being he has to be potty trained...as in going potty independently. And we put a deposit down, and therefore he is going to be potty trained because WE SAID SO, not because he "feels" this or that way about going potty.
So anyway, I didn't feel the pressure of this in January when we knew he'd been accepted. However, April came around rather quickly, and nothing had changed. I had been reading up on the whole potty training thing for a while...I don't know what generation is responsible for today's parenting articles on the topic, but clearly, they didn't get their feelings hurt enough or something. I did try however...I tried talking it up, about how wonderful independence was...at some point in this time was when we had the whole "Don't you want to use the potty like Mommy and Daddy?" "No." "Why not?" "Cuz, volcanos." incident. I mean, you can't even argue with that logic, technically...
I guess I should go ahead and tell you that food is still not very high on Matt's priority list. So while I appreciated the approximated 1,347 people that told me all their children needed was M&Ms, when I say that my child is not food-motivated, I'm not lying. M&Ms do nothing for him. They do not melt in his hands or his mouth! I mean I tried. I tried everything...but it was as equally effective as training my golden retriever with raw spinach leaves. In case you're wondering, Emma has never eaten raw spinach, nor has she passed any sort of training course...She is, however, housebroken...
So I decided to schedule a diaper-pocalypse/naked weekend the first weekend of May. Grammy (my mother) was so very kind enough to be volunteered to take the first shift while I worked the first half of the day. We rolled up the carpet, bought fruit juice and salty snacks, and ripped off the diaper. And lo - this child used the potty three times Friday morning, but never in front of anyone...but there would be pee in the potty, victory shouts, and obligatory "potty prizes" which were any array of things from the dollar store that we put on the mantle out of his reach...the one useful piece of toilet training advice I did receive. So Friday started off great, and then it literally fell to crap from there. He peed on the floor more times than in the potty. He would start off as a good sport about helping clean up as much as you would expect a three year old to clean up. But as the day progressed, these became a battle of wills and time-outs. Luckily it was a nicer weekend so there was some outside time so the "accidents" weren't very tragic. Saturday he used the potty once while all the adults were distracted in the kitchen, and Sunday not once. I was feeling very defeated, thinking about all the diapers I could have bought with our non-refundable deposit...
Our wise and wonderful babysitter who is full of sage wisdom told me we had to find his currency. So I thought about it. I also thought about what my mom told me from her time working as a social worker and the behavioral group homes for children. Those kids had to earn their sheets back. They had to earn the privilege of putting a poster on their wall. And for not all, but many, it gave them enough grounding that they were able to reconnect their control of their behavior back to outcomes. I thought, 'Well, if it works for children displaying antisocial behavior, maybe it will work for a strong-willed 3 y/o so he doesn't become antisocial.'
Matt-Matt, my dear, sweet, delightful, loveable, adorable, cute-as-a-button, silly boy is all of these things and more. But since the New Year, I've come to terms that my child is also of the "strong-willed" variety. I had a hard time seeing this, because I've only been around strong willed little girls with their hands on their hips shouting, "No!" at their Mamas. At least that's what my impression of strong-willed was. It took me a bit of time to come around to what strong-willed looks like on an other-wise very sweet-natured little boy. I mean, we already knew he was not a performer. All these Facebook and IG Moms pretty much have us beat hands down because Matt will not just break from something he's doing to sing the ABC song backwards so I can be like, "Look what my 1,253 day-old can do!" Even if he's been doing it since he was 18 months old. [He hasn't...at least not the English alphabet..Swedish is a possibility, however, but since none of use or speak it, we can't verify that.] So anyway...all this reading about how you should basically praise them for their accidents and give them participation trophies for thinking about potty training, letting them tell you when they are ready to go to the potty, or how damaging it is to even "force children less than age 4 to use the bathroom"... Don't get me wrong, I love Matt, and I appreciate effort, but I'm 99.9 percent sure none of his future bosses are going to be overly concerned with his "feelings." Nor are they going to be so very excited about praising his incompetence.
So this is what went down. Matt lost all his privileges. No TV, no iPad, no outside, no laughing, no talking, no crying, no cars, no diapers, no pants, no happiness, no joy, JUST HIM, ME and a POTTY. Well, there may have been some tears, but we just stared at each other for 20 minutes...which for a 3 y/o and a mother of a 3 y/o stuck in an 18 sq. foot half bath who just wants to take her work clothes off...IT IS AN ETERNITY. It was pretty grueling, and I kept thinking, I wonder if this is what Jeffrey Dahmer's mother did?
BUT I WON!!!! I broke him...and I did it to him again after gymnastics class. He had stayed dry during his class, so I put him in a stall on his potty adaptor and upon his request left. I checked him frequently, got him down from the potty occasionally, refilled his juice three times, but we did not leave until he peed on the potty. It only took an hour and a half after his 45 minute gymnastics class. Of course he peed his pants on the way home. Instead of telling him it was okay, because clearly he can hold his urine for at least 3-4 hours which is what happens when you wait until you are almost 12 years old to potty train, I told him I was disappointed. "Disappointing" was actually the word I used.
But, when he did go in the potty, we praised big. We got a potty prize, we got hugs, and "good jobs", and we figured out that Matchbox cars and Hotwheels were his currency. We had been warned that going number one in the potty would come way before going number 2...Nope. Matt easily did both in the potty because he could have done it months ago if I hadn't bought into the "potty-training your toddler's way" philosophy. Before we knew what hit us, we were the proud owners of the entire 2019 fleet of Hotwheels cars, and the shouts of "I did it!" were making us cringe as fast as they once made us celebrate. All of which tells me the kid has been intentionally sandbagging us....I mean he hasn't even really been potty trained a month and makes a 6.5 hour drive w/out accidents if that tells you anything. I knew it...He had all the physiological signs he was ready to potty train at around 22 months...Good thing he's so cute...
In true Matt fashion, he's probably better potty trained at home than when in public, although he has not had any accidents when we've been out and about while we've been on vacation...so there's that. We've had a few public "outings" so it's fitting this is Pride month...Matt celebrates his victories by even telling the waitstaff that he potties. He tells everyone when I go to the potty, too, saying, "Mommy did-it! Mommy pottied! Gewd jahb!" *SIGH*
He's still not perfect, but it's more his accidents now are more often operational error rather than distraction. Pottying is still a spectator sport for Matt. I'm not sure what switched, but I guess he decided life was more fun with privileges. As soon as we got to our beach house, he dragged his Paw Patrol Potty out of the bathroom and stuck it in the middle of the living room...*sigh*...I'm picking my battles...
Matt is the sweetest little handful. He loves us, so we don't stay too worried about him running off by himself. Not that we aren't vigilant, but he just doesn't push that boundary like some children do. Perhaps it's the only child in him, but he really seems to enjoy our company. Bless him, we love him, too. Although when Aunt Kim, AKA Ki (pronounced KEE) is around, all bets are off. He is absolutely smitten for her. He will do almost anything for her including break a tantrum to comply.
He's a funny little goober. I never thought I'd have "Captain Safety" for a child, but I do. We can be getting his tricycle out of the garage and 20 feet from the road and a car drives by and he will stop and say, "Shoo, dat was close!" 'Huh?! OH!! Yes!! Very close!!' He was scared of Grammy's cake with 9 birthday candles because it was "Too hot!" from all the "Too fire!" His English is rapidly improving and he uses big 4 syllable words. Like early in his housebreaking he had an accident that was not a near miss. I expressed how "disappointed" I was. As I reached for the OxiClean just out of my reach in an overhead cabinet it tipped out and spilled onto the floor making a mess in the laundry room. Matt bee-bopped into the laundry room as I was sweeping to ask, "What hap-peened?" I said I was cleaning my mess up, and he looked at me, shook his head with all of the disappointment in the world and said, "Disappointing." I know, Buddy, I know...
He's obsessed with his Batman shirt with a cape. He would wear it everyday. He would also watch Batman cartoons 24/7 if we would let him, and it's adorable. He's my super-hero. He is kind, loving and delightful. He has moments of threenaging at random times over random things which is what threenagers do, I guess. And as frustrating as those moments are, I also secretly enjoy it as well. Suddenly, he won't want to wear the blue shorts, or he only wants the Batman pjs and everything else is beneath his dignity. BJ is absolutely amazing at working him through these things when Ki is not around. He can make him laugh, if he can't make him reason without fail. They both amaze me every single day. I'm a lucky broad, for sure.
Gaga also makes his world go round which absolutely melts my heart. June is a rough month for a 3 y/o with a January birthday in our family. I mean Mommy celebrates her birthday from mid-May to the end of June, Ki, Grammy, and Ga-Ga also have June birthdays. Matt (my brother) & Kim, my parents, and BJ and I celebrate our anniversaries as well. As Matt said with a pouty lower lip, "Been happy bertie, Mommy, long time." Well, that's true... But Gaga can fix it!
Now you may...or actually you've probably never wondered, 'What do all these grocery stores do with these decorated birthday cakes that nobody buys?' Well, apparently, the grandparents of IVF babies buy them for no reason...that's what happens to them. Gaga bought Matt-Matt a Batman Birthday cake, complete with a Batman "Helitocker" So we had a Happy [it's NOT your] Bertie, Matt-Matt celebration complete with a song and candle that he had us light, sing to him and let him blow out 3 times. You know, I pride myself on not raising the stereotypical IVF baby who's too much of a miracle to discipline, but then the grandparents literally take the cake...as they should. And not so secretly, I love it, all.
Peace, Love, & "I Did-it",
Mary Katherine
Matt Facts:
Height: 39"
Weight: 32 lbs
Clothing size: 18mos waist 2T for length 3T according to height/wt chart, but then it drowns him.
Food: Oatmeal (sometimes pronounced "ought-meal"), Domers - aka Donuts, Chocolate Ju/or Chocolate milk which are completely different or the same depending on how hard we are threenaging (usually it's Instant Carnation)
Toys: HotWheels or any and most toy vehicles
Shows: Batman & Robin Cartoons, PJ Masks, Rob the Robot, Wally, Baby Einstein
Books: StarWars Goldenbooks, Curious George, My First Superman/Batman,
Expressions: "What dat noise?" "Shoo, dat was close!" "I did-it!" "I peed the potty." "Gewd jahb" "I wuv you, too." "____, where awr yoo?" "My name is Matt-Matt Robber!""Kiss awe better?" "Ees too hot!" "Matt-Matt dew it."
Fave Song: B-I-N-G-O!
Favorite Animal: Emma and the "kitties"
Nemesis: Actually "dewing" it. So we just do as much as we can while letting him have the illusion that he is helping all-the-while singing his praises for his "help". I should apologize now to his future wife for the monster I am creating. I'm pretty sure this is how men as poor housekeepers start.
Future Career: "Ashernaut" is still a possibility, but his affinity for safety and finding danger when there absolutely was no danger makes me think he'd be great JACHO inspector...
So Matt turned 3 in January, and because I'm awesome at the whole mom thing when I waited to schedule his three y/o appointment until March as requested it couldn't be scheduled until the end of April. On the plus side, he did break 30lbs by his 3 y/o appointment...granted he was 3 1/3 years old by then, but who is counting? I did not attend this appointment due to a work conflict, but since I always leave his well-checks feeling like DCS is going to be knocking on my door [I don't know how many calories he eats a day/he's not completed some major developmental task like threading a needle and sewing a button on a piece of cloth independently/he drinks too much Carnation Instant Breakfast, doesn't eat Brussel sprouts/doesn't cut shapes out with scissors (WHAT SAVAGE WOULD GIVE A 3 YEAR-OLD SCISSORS SHARP ENOUGH TO CUT ANYTHING?)/we didn't take him to a pediatric dentist-just a regular dentist, etc], I felt no remorse.
Interestingly, the things I was disturbed by - his lack of fluency, continence and overall lack of progress towards independent living did not seem to disturb anyone at his pediatric office at all. Seriously, what good is sewing on a button, when you can't even use the stupid button!!! I realize that our pediatrician and we maybe have different goals for Matt at the end of the day, but honestly I thought she'd be more on my side at least on the potty training bit. Instead we got the whole "They'll do it on their own time."
Well listen, Linda...It's not his time...it's Dada and Mommy's time and MONEY...Matt (and us pending an FBI investigation) got into a great preschool the kind where people with PhDs work with the littles even in the "lower school". Catch being he has to be potty trained...as in going potty independently. And we put a deposit down, and therefore he is going to be potty trained because WE SAID SO, not because he "feels" this or that way about going potty.
So anyway, I didn't feel the pressure of this in January when we knew he'd been accepted. However, April came around rather quickly, and nothing had changed. I had been reading up on the whole potty training thing for a while...I don't know what generation is responsible for today's parenting articles on the topic, but clearly, they didn't get their feelings hurt enough or something. I did try however...I tried talking it up, about how wonderful independence was...at some point in this time was when we had the whole "Don't you want to use the potty like Mommy and Daddy?" "No." "Why not?" "Cuz, volcanos." incident. I mean, you can't even argue with that logic, technically...
I guess I should go ahead and tell you that food is still not very high on Matt's priority list. So while I appreciated the approximated 1,347 people that told me all their children needed was M&Ms, when I say that my child is not food-motivated, I'm not lying. M&Ms do nothing for him. They do not melt in his hands or his mouth! I mean I tried. I tried everything...but it was as equally effective as training my golden retriever with raw spinach leaves. In case you're wondering, Emma has never eaten raw spinach, nor has she passed any sort of training course...She is, however, housebroken...
So I decided to schedule a diaper-pocalypse/naked weekend the first weekend of May. Grammy (my mother) was so very kind enough to be volunteered to take the first shift while I worked the first half of the day. We rolled up the carpet, bought fruit juice and salty snacks, and ripped off the diaper. And lo - this child used the potty three times Friday morning, but never in front of anyone...but there would be pee in the potty, victory shouts, and obligatory "potty prizes" which were any array of things from the dollar store that we put on the mantle out of his reach...the one useful piece of toilet training advice I did receive. So Friday started off great, and then it literally fell to crap from there. He peed on the floor more times than in the potty. He would start off as a good sport about helping clean up as much as you would expect a three year old to clean up. But as the day progressed, these became a battle of wills and time-outs. Luckily it was a nicer weekend so there was some outside time so the "accidents" weren't very tragic. Saturday he used the potty once while all the adults were distracted in the kitchen, and Sunday not once. I was feeling very defeated, thinking about all the diapers I could have bought with our non-refundable deposit...
Our wise and wonderful babysitter who is full of sage wisdom told me we had to find his currency. So I thought about it. I also thought about what my mom told me from her time working as a social worker and the behavioral group homes for children. Those kids had to earn their sheets back. They had to earn the privilege of putting a poster on their wall. And for not all, but many, it gave them enough grounding that they were able to reconnect their control of their behavior back to outcomes. I thought, 'Well, if it works for children displaying antisocial behavior, maybe it will work for a strong-willed 3 y/o so he doesn't become antisocial.'
Matt-Matt, my dear, sweet, delightful, loveable, adorable, cute-as-a-button, silly boy is all of these things and more. But since the New Year, I've come to terms that my child is also of the "strong-willed" variety. I had a hard time seeing this, because I've only been around strong willed little girls with their hands on their hips shouting, "No!" at their Mamas. At least that's what my impression of strong-willed was. It took me a bit of time to come around to what strong-willed looks like on an other-wise very sweet-natured little boy. I mean, we already knew he was not a performer. All these Facebook and IG Moms pretty much have us beat hands down because Matt will not just break from something he's doing to sing the ABC song backwards so I can be like, "Look what my 1,253 day-old can do!" Even if he's been doing it since he was 18 months old. [He hasn't...at least not the English alphabet..Swedish is a possibility, however, but since none of use or speak it, we can't verify that.] So anyway...all this reading about how you should basically praise them for their accidents and give them participation trophies for thinking about potty training, letting them tell you when they are ready to go to the potty, or how damaging it is to even "force children less than age 4 to use the bathroom"... Don't get me wrong, I love Matt, and I appreciate effort, but I'm 99.9 percent sure none of his future bosses are going to be overly concerned with his "feelings." Nor are they going to be so very excited about praising his incompetence.
So this is what went down. Matt lost all his privileges. No TV, no iPad, no outside, no laughing, no talking, no crying, no cars, no diapers, no pants, no happiness, no joy, JUST HIM, ME and a POTTY. Well, there may have been some tears, but we just stared at each other for 20 minutes...which for a 3 y/o and a mother of a 3 y/o stuck in an 18 sq. foot half bath who just wants to take her work clothes off...IT IS AN ETERNITY. It was pretty grueling, and I kept thinking, I wonder if this is what Jeffrey Dahmer's mother did?
BUT I WON!!!! I broke him...and I did it to him again after gymnastics class. He had stayed dry during his class, so I put him in a stall on his potty adaptor and upon his request left. I checked him frequently, got him down from the potty occasionally, refilled his juice three times, but we did not leave until he peed on the potty. It only took an hour and a half after his 45 minute gymnastics class. Of course he peed his pants on the way home. Instead of telling him it was okay, because clearly he can hold his urine for at least 3-4 hours which is what happens when you wait until you are almost 12 years old to potty train, I told him I was disappointed. "Disappointing" was actually the word I used.
But, when he did go in the potty, we praised big. We got a potty prize, we got hugs, and "good jobs", and we figured out that Matchbox cars and Hotwheels were his currency. We had been warned that going number one in the potty would come way before going number 2...Nope. Matt easily did both in the potty because he could have done it months ago if I hadn't bought into the "potty-training your toddler's way" philosophy. Before we knew what hit us, we were the proud owners of the entire 2019 fleet of Hotwheels cars, and the shouts of "I did it!" were making us cringe as fast as they once made us celebrate. All of which tells me the kid has been intentionally sandbagging us....I mean he hasn't even really been potty trained a month and makes a 6.5 hour drive w/out accidents if that tells you anything. I knew it...He had all the physiological signs he was ready to potty train at around 22 months...Good thing he's so cute...
In true Matt fashion, he's probably better potty trained at home than when in public, although he has not had any accidents when we've been out and about while we've been on vacation...so there's that. We've had a few public "outings" so it's fitting this is Pride month...Matt celebrates his victories by even telling the waitstaff that he potties. He tells everyone when I go to the potty, too, saying, "Mommy did-it! Mommy pottied! Gewd jahb!" *SIGH*
He's still not perfect, but it's more his accidents now are more often operational error rather than distraction. Pottying is still a spectator sport for Matt. I'm not sure what switched, but I guess he decided life was more fun with privileges. As soon as we got to our beach house, he dragged his Paw Patrol Potty out of the bathroom and stuck it in the middle of the living room...*sigh*...I'm picking my battles...
Matt is the sweetest little handful. He loves us, so we don't stay too worried about him running off by himself. Not that we aren't vigilant, but he just doesn't push that boundary like some children do. Perhaps it's the only child in him, but he really seems to enjoy our company. Bless him, we love him, too. Although when Aunt Kim, AKA Ki (pronounced KEE) is around, all bets are off. He is absolutely smitten for her. He will do almost anything for her including break a tantrum to comply.
He's a funny little goober. I never thought I'd have "Captain Safety" for a child, but I do. We can be getting his tricycle out of the garage and 20 feet from the road and a car drives by and he will stop and say, "Shoo, dat was close!" 'Huh?! OH!! Yes!! Very close!!' He was scared of Grammy's cake with 9 birthday candles because it was "Too hot!" from all the "Too fire!" His English is rapidly improving and he uses big 4 syllable words. Like early in his housebreaking he had an accident that was not a near miss. I expressed how "disappointed" I was. As I reached for the OxiClean just out of my reach in an overhead cabinet it tipped out and spilled onto the floor making a mess in the laundry room. Matt bee-bopped into the laundry room as I was sweeping to ask, "What hap-peened?" I said I was cleaning my mess up, and he looked at me, shook his head with all of the disappointment in the world and said, "Disappointing." I know, Buddy, I know...
He's obsessed with his Batman shirt with a cape. He would wear it everyday. He would also watch Batman cartoons 24/7 if we would let him, and it's adorable. He's my super-hero. He is kind, loving and delightful. He has moments of threenaging at random times over random things which is what threenagers do, I guess. And as frustrating as those moments are, I also secretly enjoy it as well. Suddenly, he won't want to wear the blue shorts, or he only wants the Batman pjs and everything else is beneath his dignity. BJ is absolutely amazing at working him through these things when Ki is not around. He can make him laugh, if he can't make him reason without fail. They both amaze me every single day. I'm a lucky broad, for sure.
Gaga also makes his world go round which absolutely melts my heart. June is a rough month for a 3 y/o with a January birthday in our family. I mean Mommy celebrates her birthday from mid-May to the end of June, Ki, Grammy, and Ga-Ga also have June birthdays. Matt (my brother) & Kim, my parents, and BJ and I celebrate our anniversaries as well. As Matt said with a pouty lower lip, "Been happy bertie, Mommy, long time." Well, that's true... But Gaga can fix it!
Now you may...or actually you've probably never wondered, 'What do all these grocery stores do with these decorated birthday cakes that nobody buys?' Well, apparently, the grandparents of IVF babies buy them for no reason...that's what happens to them. Gaga bought Matt-Matt a Batman Birthday cake, complete with a Batman "Helitocker" So we had a Happy [it's NOT your] Bertie, Matt-Matt celebration complete with a song and candle that he had us light, sing to him and let him blow out 3 times. You know, I pride myself on not raising the stereotypical IVF baby who's too much of a miracle to discipline, but then the grandparents literally take the cake...as they should. And not so secretly, I love it, all.
Peace, Love, & "I Did-it",
Mary Katherine
Matt Facts:
Height: 39"
Weight: 32 lbs
Clothing size: 18mos waist 2T for length 3T according to height/wt chart, but then it drowns him.
Food: Oatmeal (sometimes pronounced "ought-meal"), Domers - aka Donuts, Chocolate Ju/or Chocolate milk which are completely different or the same depending on how hard we are threenaging (usually it's Instant Carnation)
Toys: HotWheels or any and most toy vehicles
Shows: Batman & Robin Cartoons, PJ Masks, Rob the Robot, Wally, Baby Einstein
Books: StarWars Goldenbooks, Curious George, My First Superman/Batman,
Expressions: "What dat noise?" "Shoo, dat was close!" "I did-it!" "I peed the potty." "Gewd jahb" "I wuv you, too." "____, where awr yoo?" "My name is Matt-Matt Robber!""Kiss awe better?" "Ees too hot!" "Matt-Matt dew it."
Fave Song: B-I-N-G-O!
Favorite Animal: Emma and the "kitties"
Nemesis: Actually "dewing" it. So we just do as much as we can while letting him have the illusion that he is helping all-the-while singing his praises for his "help". I should apologize now to his future wife for the monster I am creating. I'm pretty sure this is how men as poor housekeepers start.
Future Career: "Ashernaut" is still a possibility, but his affinity for safety and finding danger when there absolutely was no danger makes me think he'd be great JACHO inspector...
