Parental Unit Celebration Days

I'm sad for BJ, who isn't really sad more today than any other day.  His bad days hit randomly when I write touching, honest blogs, or when he reads articles about parents losing children and the nurse that was kind to them.  But all-in-all, he's not really sad today because he is an optimist that envisions a future full of many Father's Days in which our babies will include some with slightly less fur.

I wasn't near as sad on Mother's Day 2 years ago when we were actually in the process of technologically-enhanced baby-making.  I was pretty sure I was curable.  I KNEW without a question of a doubt that IVF was going to work for us.  Simply because it had to if for no other reason. Alas, we know how that turned out...and so gave birth to the true pessimist that underneath it all is where I find my inner-peace.  Expect the worst, get better results, even if only slightly better, and come out of the situation elated because it could have been much worse.  It typically works for my mother, so in my wizened old-age I think I'm converting...  This sounds terrible, but sarcasm and optimism were never really a good match for me anyway.  I think all along I've been lying to myself that I'm an optimist.  BJ would probably whole-heartedly agree... It doesn't make me unhappier, it just makes me wiser, and removes ridiculous expectations I set for myself...which actually makes me happier.

These Parental Unit celebration days will continue to come and go, but our infertility is constant.  Somedays it's more on the forefront of BJ's or my mind than others, but it's always there. Gnawing.  So forgive me for being sad that I'm not able to celebrate a traditional Father's Day with my deserving husband.  It's hard to swallow that deserving means nothing in the land of infertility, but we both do, anyway.  Do we deserve a medal of honor for that? No.  A new gadget or tie? No...A hug? Definitely!

Anyway, I guess I'd just like to say Happy You Will Be Fathers One Day, Day to all the individuals who are living with involuntary childlessness.  And, of course, Happy Father's Day to all my friends who are fathers.  I'm so very fortunate that I'm surrounded by friends who know how blessed they are.  (Thanks for being shining examples to us!!!)

Peace, Love, and According to BJ There Will Be More Father's Days,
MK

I Have a Confession

So everyday since, oh, August 20th, 2012 I've started my day by blasting Kelly Clarkson's "Stronger". I ain't ashamed. I have an entire playlist of all the awesome breakup songs I never thought I'd have a need for again under the title "Infertility".

I've come to the conclusion that infertility is extremely close to having an abusive boyfriend.  So, yes, I've personified infertility which may seem a little One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, but actually it's very in line with Gestalt therapy.  I've always had a propensity towards Gestalt because a.) you can tell your clients what you think of them as their therapist (i.e. "You are driving me nuts, and make me want to hide under my desk") [*Please, note I did decide that counseling was not the best fit for me] and b.) you get to personify things about yourself and smack talk them....Well, with the idea that you'll apologize and forgive yourself as you hash that part of yourself out with your rational self.

ANYWAY...Another song on my almost daily playlist is Linkin Park's "Waiting on the End to Come" mostly for the lines:
All I want to do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

It's not as poignant as it once was at the beginning of this terror ride of fertility treatments, but I do still hold on to what I haven't got.  Anyway, it's a good song that, even though is sad in the true intention of the song, is empowering to me.  It's amazing what music can do for you.  Especially when you personalize it to your situations.  I mean I'm totally rocking "Stronger" with middle school girls going through their first break-up, with as much excitement and vengeance as any of them.

What are your power songs?  What is your go to song that helps you get excited for the day and fight your inner-battles?  

Peace, Love, and Rock & Roll,

MK

A Letter to My Child

My Dear Little One,

We haven't met yet, and I am still not sure how or when it is going to happen, but I wanted to tell you that Mommy and Daddy already love you so very much.  I believe in you, Baby, OUR Baby.  Your little soul is floating around somewhere, and we are doing our best to be patient in the meantime.  It's hard, but we'll make it, somehow.  You're too beautiful of a dream to even fathom giving up on.

I wanted you to know that Mommy and Daddy are working hard to make a life for ourselves so that you can feel loved, cherished, and supported.  We're getting there, especially your Mommy.  I didn't know how much I could enjoy living until I started enjoying living.  It was hard to be so focused on meeting you that I forgot that I had a life to live in the meantime.  It's hard to believe that I forgot how lucky I was to have your Dad!  Just wait until you meet Daddy.  He's the kindest, most faithful, and loving man you could ever meet.

I have been thinking about you, my precious one, an awful lot recently.  It is getting nearer to the time where we will be re-embarking on our journey to meet you.  I was so angry and embittered last time.  I was so mad at myself that I just couldn't have you like a "normal family".  I couldn't accept that I couldn't have my cute roly-poly non-stop little boy just like I wanted, when I wanted.  I was so scared that I would get so close, and then lose you, forever.

I am still scared.  As I get closer to graduating, my fear builds.  But I am ok with being scared, and I am certainly excited, too.  I am not angry at myself, anymore.  I'm just me.  It's still going to be a hard road whether I choose to be angry at myself for something I had absolutely no control over, or I choose to be happy and thankful that I have the opportunity to bring you to us at all.  And you know who helped me learn this?  You did!  I will never be able to thank you enough.

I want you to know, that we will love you no matter how you appear, what you look like, and what gifts you do or don't have.  You don't have to be anything for us but your beautiful self.  You will be perfect for us.  So don't be scared, Little One.  Neither you nor your parents have anything but good things to look forward to from here.

Love,
Mommy and Daddy

Happy Mother's Day

So I woke up with a goal of celebrating my wonderful Mother on this Mother's Day and not feeling sorry for myself.  I got up, and made it 1/3 of the way down the stairs when I found a card from my mother for me on Mother's Day?!

OK, so it was from my Mom and my Dad, but lesbihonest...I love my dad, but this wasn't his idea.  He obviously supported it, though.

Anyway, my goal had been no tears.  None.  I don't want to be a brat because this day is for mothers.  So that lasted approximately 4 minutes until I read this card.  So I gave myself 5 minutes to mourn.  From 7:35am to 7:40am...and I only really needed 4 of them before I could pull myself together and think about how fortunate I am to have such a wonderful mother who would take time out of her day to celebrate to think about me.  I'm lucky to have a dad who cares enough about me to support those endeavors.

I'm super lucky to have a husband who has stuck with me for the last three grueling years.  He fulfills every vow he said to me nearly 5 years ago on a daily basis.  We may not be able to say we've stood the test of time just yet, but if I were a bettin' lady...I'd put our money on us.

But since it is Mother's Day, back to my Mama...

She is uh-may-zing.  From the time I was little, between acting lessons, piano lessons, ballet lessons and  of course gymnastics I was very blessed that she was willing to shuttle me back and forth so I could have so many opportunities.  From being my nurse, counselor, advocate, chauffeur, best friend, confidant, she's been there for me.  When life got more complicated she was still there being supportive and had my back.  When I had a miscarriage and it seemed all I heard was, "at least you know you can get pregnant," my Mother was there for me rubbing my back and allowing me to mourn.  Whenever the world seems cruel, my Mama has and will be there for me.

It's so bloody hard, infertility is.  There is no way I or even BJ could ever get through it without my Mother on our side.  So again, Mama, I can't thank you enough for still being here for us and all the strange places this journey is taking us.  Your support means everything, and your belief in BJ and I to become parents gives us the confidence to keep going when it would be so much simpler to quit.

So while this is yet another Mother's Day I can't celebrate being a mother, it is one I can celebrate for having such an awesome mom.  Although, while none of BJ and my living children are of the homosapien variety, I would like to acknowledge how proud and thankful I am to be Emma Grace's mother.

So Proud!!!!!

We also can't forget our fuzzy boys!

Lucifer

Gaius

So who knows what next year will bring.  Maybe my goal will be 3 minutes to pull myself together instead of 5. But for now and the rest of the day, I'm going to go celebrate on what I do have...my mother!

Peace, Love, and Happy Mother's Day!
Mary Katherine

Progress

Well, the second semester of nursing school was anything but a breeze, and certainly left a lot of our class, including myself, emotional train wrecks.  Our retention rate for my class is going to be below 85% after this semester.  We lost several of our friends, as our professors decided to toughen up on us to improve our chances on the NCLEX.  

I know what it's like to have a dream that doesn't come to fruition.  I have been full of anguish and sadness for my fellow students that will not be able to continue in the program with us.  They were my friends.  But I do know, you can't sit still, you can't wallow, you have to move forward and you most certainly can't give up.

Honestly, as graduation looms, in the hopefully not too distant future.  I have started to realize that our family building journey must resume at some point in the not too distant future, also.  I'm gun shy.  I have not missed the pain.  I mean the physical pain really is nothing compared to the absolute mental torture that is relentless.  To go back to months of emotional cycles of hope, uncertainty, grief, repeat...well, it's not much to look forward to enduring.  I'm sure BJ is not exactly looking forward to it either, but, ultimately if we want children, what choice do we have?  

The uncertainty is what fills me with the most fear.  How long? What route should we go? What will our family look like in the end?  I do not know these answers right now, and I will not know until after-the-fact.  For a control-freak like me, that's very difficult.  

All I know, is that I want nothing more than to have a child. So, I have to resume my battle despite my fears.   For my friends, who will be great nurses one day if that is what they choose, you have to hold your head up and keep going.  There will be a way, it just may not be clear.  Stay open to opportunities.  You can fulfill your dreams.  You can.

"I have learned that faith means trusting in advanced what will only make sense in reverse." 

~Phillip Yancey

Peace, Love, and Faith,

Mary Katherine

Join the Movement...

This year's Blogger Challenge for National Infertility Awareness Week is all about how you can join the movement and break the silence whether it be a little way...ya know...such as a blog entry...or a big way...Change careers, for instance, get a nursing degree, and strive to work in a fertility clinic yourself one day *cough, cough*.  There is so much we can do to break the silence.  So many people suffer, and I mean suffer alone, heartbroken, humiliated and bereaved.  

I cannot emphasize how much infertility is like a thief.  It steals and takes and wipes out entire families. It steals friendships, marriages, dreams, careers, faith and hope.  It tests everything you've got, and if you're going through it alone, it's even tougher.  You have even fewer resources.  You can become so isolated and feel trapped. 

You aren't alone.  You have an entire family of out here who understands the pain you are experiencing.  Who've been told more times than they want to count that, "Maybe, it's just not your time."  They understand what its like to have dreams met with disappointment.  There are husbands and partners that know what it's like to comfort their crying loved ones month after month.

We're ready to lift our chins, speak up, and join the movement.  We're ready to be treated like patients with a disease.  Not like unlucky people "who can always just adopt."  We're ready to be treated.  We're ready to not have our finances hold us back from creating our families via whatever method we choose.  We're ready to have our legislators advocate for tax credits for fertility treatments.  Not just adoption and medical treatment deductions.  We're ready for newer protocols, safer drug regimens, and better outcomes.  

But most of all, we're so ready to be parents.  While we may not have our own child to take care of just yet, we certainly have other people that can relate.  So please, share your story, step up and reach out.  It could make all the difference to someone who is suffering alone. 

Peace, Love, and Roaring,

MK

Hola Bologna!

How did it go from Christmas to Easter?  How is it almost Easter and I'm still wearing a hoodie and Uggs is an even more pertinent point... Poor Emma Grace has only gone swimming 1.5 times so far.  This is a record low for her two early springs with us.  

Any some who...life goes on.  My family is all still here.  My dad still getting used to life post cardiovascular incident, which hasn't been easy.

I'm ticking the days off in nursing school one at a time, except right now, I'm on spring break (OK, I'm still counting...there are 259 days left until I graduate).  I had no idea how much I would love nursing  I don't think I even have a real preference what kind of patients I work with, so long as I get to work with patients at the end of the day.  I still want to eventually go on for my MSN in Women's Health, and with things going the way they are medically/economically I'll probably do a combo program as an FNP, as well.  It's all about the flexibility these days.  I still have a dream of working for Dr. D. and helping other women who've been through the agony of infertility, we'll just see how the wind blows.

As for BJ and I on that front...we are happily at peace just waiting the nursing school ride out.  It's not quite time to jump back on any supplements, diets, or really anything.  Besides, we still haven't made up our minds about what we are going to do completely, except blood tests for me as far as a multiple miscarriage panel.  I may have that done as my graduation present, haha.  It's been hard and relaxing at the same time, which makes no sense.  There is always the guilt of not trying.  Like maybe you missed your chance of that one good egg, but then there is the simplicity of just not worrying about it.  Of knowing you're going to live to fight another month.  Spending quality time with your dog, husband (ok, more like my textbooks, and patients) and knowing that bigger better things are out there waiting for me.  Of not just believing better things can happen, but knowing that everything is going to be better than had Plan A worked...

Anyway, I'm sorry I've been a nothing blogger, but I promise when I get my life back and have something to blog about other than how much paperwork I have to do, I'll get back on it in T - 259 days!

Peace, Love and Carrying On,
MK