What's New?

Being unconditionally, happy.  That is what's new.

I wake up, and I have an amazing husband, silly pets, amazing family, amazing friends and a lot more perspective. I'm a helluva lucky lady.  I enjoy each and every day that I am very blessed to have.

I've also been blessed with the ability to go back and do what I should have done 10 years ago now.  I have always been fascinated with medicine...like don't try to talk to me while I'm watching Discovery Heath & Fitness Mystery Diagnosis...and occasionally yelling something 5 minutes into the show like, "it's Marfan's Syndrome you ignorant buffoons and I have a degree in counseling." I just never really had the passion to give up 8-10 years of my life, and if I had I would have never met my Lobster, BJ.   I, more than anything and still holding true today, wanted a family and a life, which while I have some friends that are clearly able to balance their MD and having a family, it's still not really what I want.  If I had endless money, time and no husband, I'd go back in a heart beat.  I don't...so I did something else.  As I have always been forthright about, I picked school counseling for the "Mommy hours." Only, it turned out those didn't really exist, nor would being a Mommy come so easily for me.

When I started having to go to the doctor practically every day in Winter 2011, I had to fight the urge to follow the nurse with my blood sample back into the lab (well, when I had my pants on, anyway).  Not because of wanting my results, but having this absolute compulsion to know what she was doing, why she was doing it, how she was doing it, and what it would mean for BJ and I, or anybody else for that matter.  Sometimes, I think I come off as being nosy, but it's more that I can't stand not knowing the why's and how come's.  I want to know absolutely everything there is to know about a situation so I can understand it. I blame my parents for hardly ever saying, "Because, I said so." I had my brother's Funk & Wagnall's Encyclopedia set so I could look it up back before the days of Wikipedia, anyway!

Anysomewho, after some soul-searching, debating and taking in a good dose of practicality, I've decided to go to nursing school.  Since I already have a Bachelor's in Exercise and Sports Science (aka human performance) I didn't have to do too much to qualify for an accelerated BSN program.  I thought about a degree as a physician assistant, BUT, to be honest, I've never had a good experience with one.  Plus, I'd really like to go into women's medicine, and I've never seen a PA in a OB/GYN office. I HAVE seen several Nurse Practitioners.  Not to mention  that I can work as an RN while pursuing my MSN.  It will also enable me to return to the "pursuit of family" before my already scrambled eggs go bad with age.  Ultimately, I'd love grow up to be a Pat Whited and work in a fertility clinic to help other people in the horrible predicament of infertility.  I'd love to be somewhere like my fertility clinic where they are very forward thinking and oriented to the latest research.  They seem to have hired several former patients, so hmm... 

I realize I'm still in the throes of infertility, but ultimately, I know that BJ and I will be parents.  I have no such clue as to how that is going to happen, but for once I can honestly say, "I don't care." We still have so many options that we are blessed to have afforded to us.  Whether we pursue domestic infant adoption, foreign adoption, pursue IVF again, embryo adoption, use an egg donor, we are going to get the same result, eventually.  I've accepted that it's not going to be on my timeline, but as it turns out...thank goodness.  Sometimes I think the Man upstairs knows what He's doing after all...;).

So back to reality.  I've got a couple months before I'm eagerly pursuing a degree in Nursing, and I'm really getting excited. In the mean time, I'm just sitting back, reading like I'm about to not be able to do so for pleasure for 18 months, helping my dad close up his law practice, drinking coffee again, and just enjoying everything for the sake of just enjoying it.  With everything that has happened, it's still pretty good to be me... ;)

Peace, Love and the Pursuit of Self-actualization,

Mary Katherine Roberts
Stupidly Happy Person for No Good Reason, Future Nurse Ratchet
 

Mother's Day Blues

Today was the first rough day I've had in a while. BJ and I are approaching the end of our second year trying to conceive which is kind of amazing in a bad way. Our chances of conceiving are essentially negative at this point...that's disregarding the multiple failed fertility treatments we've undertaken. If you factor that in, we have a better chance of winning the next mega million lottery, literally.

While we are here, let's look at some numbers...The numbers are up to 1 in 8 couples will struggle with infertility. That's about 125 out of 1000 women. If those 125 seek fertility treatments, 81 will have children. The vast majority (about 68) of those women will only have utilized drug therapy or corrective surgery (yes, I realize I just said only surgery, but that has been one of the easiest things I've been through on this journey). In fact, less than 3% of the 125, or about 3 women will undergo IVF. Of those three women, 2 will have a baby and one will be me, the .8%. What luck I have!

In the past 2 years, 97 babies have been born or are on their way to my friends and acquaintances. I know of about 6 miscarriages including my own. I wouldn't be suprised if there were quite a few more, but most people don't set their Facebook status to "Having a miscarriage, thanks for asking", so it's harder to know for sure. Ok so I've indirectly admitted to being a Facebook stalker, but I spent the first couple of months we were trying to conceive looking for a creative way to announce our happy news. Then the next 6 hoping, praying and thinking I'd be one of the next ones, and then I just kept counting because I could...because at some point I'd be sure to fall on the right side of the numbers game. I mean I've never been that special in other areas of my life, so why this?

I used to really like statistics, until I ended up on the wrong side of them. It's so hard for the greater majority of people to understand how truly awful this plight is. It's especially hard this holiday. I never planned for a life without children. I never expected to not be getting breakfast in bed, a piece of jewelry, or flowers yesterday. I never thought I'd want to kill the next person who tells me a story about how someone they knew "was told they couldn't have kids, but they had them anyway." That's not inspiring, that's statistically lowering my odds that much more.

Anyway, as a representative of the 3.4% of women to the 96.6% of people who will have children, I hope you can truly appreciate how blessed you are. Love that baby extra hard for us and remember that you have a miracle no matter how much you did or didn't struggle.

Peace, love, and remembering the babies that were too perfect for Earth,
MK

Don't Ignore...Yourself!

As you can see, it is the close of National Infertility Awareness Week.  They sponsored a blogging challenge with the theme of "Don't Ignore...", and as I am always up for a challenge...I accept.

Obviously I picked "Don't Ignore...Yourself!"  Of the many things I learned on the crazy hell-ride that is infertility is that it is super easy to get consumed.  Infertility consumes your life, marriage, and happiness.  While undergoing fertility treatments, it is so easy to let your life revolve around your ovaries.  You forget how to enjoy life because all you can think about is am I eating the right things, doing the right things, taking my medication at the right times and hoping against hopes that this is going to be your cycle.  

Through the process, it is easy to ignore all the things that made you happy.  I know I let myself become too miserable to enjoy anything.  I loathed my husband's ability to live his life and enjoy things and people when what we were going through was just so sad.  I allowed myself to wallow in my pain.  I avoided things and activities that made me happy because I just didn't want to be happy for anything but having a child.  Trust me, infertility treatments are sad enough in their own right, you don't need to add to that.

Worse than that, I ignored the things in my life that weren't making me happy in the first place.  Infertility really has been a gift to me in a way, because I am forced to look at the things in my life that were making me miserable, and I am getting a chance to fix them.  I put those things aside, because I thought being a mom would make me care less about them. It wouldn't have, and I risked jeopardizing my entire family's happiness on the shoulders of an infant.  What a terrible burden to place on a child!

So, if you're seeking any advice from a thus far unsuccessful infertile, it is this.  Take a deep breath and seize the moment!  Take the opportunity to examine the current state of your life.  Are you happy? Fulfilled? Are you proud enough of who you are to say that to your child? If you can say yes, then proceed.  No matter what road to a child you take, you will be successful.  It may not look like what you thought or originally wanted, but if you are truly happy with everything else in your life...the details of how your child came to be won't be near as important.

If you can't, then I strongly urge you to take a little extra time.  Work on yourself and resolve those issues or at least figure out a way to be at peace with them without a child in the picture.  Afterall, don't you want to bring a child into a happy home?  I do.

Peace, love, and being otherwise happy despite infertility,

Mary Katherine

Lessons of Emma Grace

Emma playing with her birthday toy!

Emma Grace turned 1 year-old this week, and I cannot imagine what I'd be doing without her wet nose in my face right now.  She has been a blessing to BJ and me.  It's so nice to have something to take care of that makes us laugh, brings us fun and obviously loves us back!  For me, personally, she's been a reminder of some invaluable life lessons.  I thought I'd share...

1. Enjoy the moment, they go fast...

First day home!

It's hard to believe that this cute, little 6 lb. ball of fluff grew into our currently 63 lb Emma. She was and is absolutely adorable, but I can't say that I got enough of this sleepy little fuzzball in my arms.

Sleeping in BJ's arms @ 7 weeks

2. No matter how much you love someone(thing), they screw up.

"The kitty did it."

As much as we try to teach, guide, help our loved ones, they goof up.  I'm sure Emma had her reasons which she has tried to share with us about why this happened, but she knew it was wrong at the time.  She did it anyway...When I took this photo I hadn't stopped laughing to scold her, but she knew it was bad and took refuge in her "shame corner." As much as BJ and I didn't enjoy cleaning this up, we did it anyway, and we love  her just the same...well maybe more...

3. No matter how consumed with yourself you are, you have to remember those that depend on you.

I was an absolute wreck the morning of my blood pregnancy test after the 2nd round of IVF.  In our haste to leave, we left a gate open that allowed Emma to run around freely in our house unsupervised.  It went something like this...

          Oh newspaper...I love tearing you up!!! YAY! 

          Oh yummy smelling candle, do you taste good?  NO, MUST DESTROY!!!

          Oooh shiny blue liquid ink pen! My favorite thing, I will take you upstairs to my bedroom with nice soft carpet!

          Uh-oh ink tastes yucky and got all over the floor and my paws? AHHH!

          Uh-oh, evil kitty saw me and is going to tell...I shall chase kitty!

          Kitty is not in the hall...Kitty is not in the bonus room...Kitty is maybe downstairs?

Suffice it to say we came home to a mess including a trail of blue ink all over our off-white carpet...

I have this spot in my bedroom as a little reminder of the day I was too consumed with my own woes to think about Emma-Grace.

4. Yes, shit happens, but you still gotta clean it up.

Don't worry, no poo pictures!  I know Emma Grace did not mean to have diarrhea in the middle of the night.  She was so ashamed she hid under the covers with daddy...who "slept" through the ordeal. I wondered if we gave her too much canned food. I wondered if we should have made sure she had eaten more before we gave her the medicine.  I wondered if she should not have gotten canned food at all since she was on medicine, maybe it just happened and had nothing to do with anything... Well none of that wondering cleaned up the mess. Good old-fashioned elbow grease did. (Thank you Woolite Pet!!!) So even if we accept that shit happens, you're still stuck with a mess, and nobody is going to clean it up for you. You have to do it yourself, even it's hard.

Evidence that everybody poops...

5.  Cats are evil.

Gaius demonstrating Schadenfreude

Cats are genuinely awful... They have claws.  They pretend to want you to pet them but then they try to amputate your paw/hand.  They knock objects off the counter and what's a poor puppy to do but help get rid of said object. They jump over gates and leave you stuck in the kitchen all by yourself.  They drink your water.  Just when you are questioning your sanity about why the hell you have these vermin around...they head bump you, purr and snuggle in next to you.  They are the yin to our yang, and certainly keep us entertained and make those sweet, snuggly moments that much more special.

6. Anyone(thing) can put their big girl panties on.

Emma and her "Princess Bloomers"

All of us have "stuff" we have to deal with.  All of us have days where the stuff gets to be too overwhelming and we have no idea how we'll get through it, but I've found that every time I've "put my big girl panties on", I've made it through.  Never count yourself out.  Do what you gotta do to get yourself into the panties and then wear them proudly just like Emma. 

Emma tackling her day in her "Big Orange" panties!

7. Be simple.

What you can't see in this photo of the dog bed debacle is her tail wagging back and forth. Even though she's full of guilt and remorse, she's still happy that I was finally home (I was gone for less than 2 hours, but who's counting...).  Those may be conflicting and complicated emotions to express at the same time, but Emma Grace is a dog and she's not trying to hide it. I can deal with complicated if it's presented as complicated in the first place.  Emma is nothing if she's not upfront.  It gets really hard, however, when we try to cover up what we are actually feeling by trying to assume the emotions we think people want to see.  So when I say be simple, I don't mean simple-minded, just be what you are and feel what you feel. Don't complicate the complicated!

8.  There is no such thing as too much happy!

Emma with the minimum two toys in her mouth...she's still working on four at once and getting close!

If happiness comes in a form that isn't damaging to you or your loved ones, then go for it.  By all means have fun, be silly and enjoy the moment.  According to Emma, happiness is wherever you are and there is bound to be something good around every corner.

Emma being herself.

So my dear, Emma Grace, thank you for a wonderful first year.  I can't wait to capture even more moments and to learn even more from you.  You'll never know how much your silly little self has meant to me this past year.  You are a pretty amazing ball of fluff!

Peace, Love and Adorable Puppies!

MK

I'm not dead yet...

Infertility is a thief.

It steals hope.  It steals plans.  It steals ideals.  It steals dreams.  It steals marriages.  It steals whatever you let it have, and, I, have let it steal too much.

Oh, so much has happened, and oh, so much has changed.

"They" say things happen for a reason.  "They" say God never gives you more than you handle.  "They" say that which does not kill you makes you stronger. 

I introduce the question:  Who the Hell is "They" and what the crap happened to them that "they" had to make such quotes up?  Seriously, I think I've had it pretty rough, but no one is quoting me yet, so I must be doing just fine.

BJ and I are on an indefinite break from infertility treatments.  Oh, we'll go there again, I am positive, but this Maybe-one-day-mama-to-be has to find herself.  No really, I for too long have tried to skip that part.  I am so guilty of doing what was convenient, what was easy, and what I thought other people wanted me to do, so much so that I lost who I was and what was important. 

As one of my besties likes to say, I've lost my Happy.  A piece of me that I let get too big was mortally wounded the day last March that I found out I would not be able to have children unassisted.  It died when the first IVF cycle did not pan out.  I tried using life support to go through the second cycle and came out much worse. 

I was sooooo bad.  Two weeks ago, I went to the grocery store for the first time since November.  From mid-November, I would come home from work and cry on the couch until my husband got home.  I did no housework. I did not cook. I barely ate or drank.  I lost 23lbs if you count the puffy water weight in 2 weeks after my test results.  I was in my office when the black curtain started falling, and I realized I had only had enough water to swallow pain pills and it had been over 48 hours since I had eaten anything. I won't go into details about the number of showers I did or didn't take...

I found BJ and I settled.  I always thought you can't have it all, and I may still be right, in the end, but I settled in too many other aspects of my life in pursuit of motherhood.  From the day after June 21st, 2008, my future happiness hinged on an innocent child.  It's like I thought life was a checklist and only a checklist.  Boyfriend-Check, Grad School-Check, Engagement-Check, Marriage-Check, Baby-???

Holy cow am I so lucky to have found an extraordinary man that has shouldered the burden of me.  I've been a terrible wife to BJ for the past year and half of crazy baby quest, and for the sake of all things sane, do not know why he still loves me, but he does. So this little lady is going to sit back and be a good wife.  BJ deserves more than I'll ever be able to give him, but he's so in love, and I am soooooo in love with him.

I am also extraordinarily lucky to be infertile.  OMG if I had brought a child into this craziness God only knows what permanent damage I could have done.  Life is everything but a checklist.  A child cannot be your sole reason for happiness.  A child should be a product of happiness between two loving individuals...(who are old enough to vote and pay for diapers...go ahead...call me judgemental...it's OK).  Clearly, I don't have that happiness part under control just yet.

I'm working on it though.  It may not be as exciting as counting down to beta HCG tests, but it's my whole life, and it is all a part of this journey.  I want to be happy, and I want to have a baby that can grow up and be proud of me from at least the tender ages of 2-7, after which I realize my simple existence will probably embarass them, but hopefully around age 21 or so as I hand them an aspirin and beer after their first hangover at home, they'll start to realize that I wasn't so bad again. (I may or may not be speaking from personal experience...)

So to all my friends...THANK you for still speaking to me through all of this!  Hell, looking back, I'm not sure I would have been my own friend...actually I wasn't my own friend...so strike that point!  I am so very blessed to have so much support from my in-laws, my out-laws, my friends and everyone who reads this blog. You are truly amazing people and I'll never be able to thank you enough for the kindness and support you have shown me.

To BJ...I LOVE you more than anything in the world, and I promise to never put anyone or anything in front of us, again. Thank you for being the strong one, the brave one, and the patient one.  Those things are way harder than sticking a needle in yourself any day. Never forget how wonderful and brave you are. 

To Emma, Lucifer and Gaius...Mommy loves you so much and you can expect more walks, cuddles and kisses...Yes, kisses, Gaius! Your favorite. You deserve to have two happy parents!

To "They", keep your damn quotes and quit complaining...I'm better off, anyway...

Peace, Love and the Pursuit of Happiness,
Mary Katherine Roberts

In-Law Christmas

Today (yesterday) was day 4 of muscle relaxers and Christmas dinner with my in-laws. Perfect! Actually, muscle relaxers have never needed to be an essential part of staying with my in-laws. They are amazingly easy and totally supportive. They are just one of the ways that I have been blessed. It's hard to hang on to these blessings in the wake of such a loss, but the best part about my blessings is that they are all waiting with me with open arms as the storm passes.

It's safe to say that I hit rock bottom this week. I've been there once before, but this time I had my amazing husband, two amazing friends, and my wonderful mother who were right there beside me. I didn't have a chance to make any other decision but to grab ahold their patient hands and stand back up.

It's not easy that this is all occurring around a holiday about an immaculate conception when I now know that I have <1% chance of conceiving and carrying a baby to full term without medical intervention. It's going to take a miracle for us to have a child, and it's extremely frustrating that I don't know what that miracle is going to look like.

 I do know that I've got quite a ways to go. I'm still considered a "young" woman in infertility land. We've still got every option we've had before. Through our loss we have more reason to be optimistic according to Dr. Donesky. We have lots of opportunities left as long as we are willing to try.

As I stewed in my own despondence these past few weeks I realized I was going to be a terrible mother. I cannot put the pressure of me being happy on an infant. How unfair is that? I may have lots of shortcomings, but when it comes to my baby, I'm ready for the challenge. I know I'm doing all I can medically, so the only thing left in my control is how I feel about myself. So as my body continues to heal, I'm going to use the time I have to work on being nicer to myself. It's a daily struggle for me to comprehend that bad things happen to good, undeserving people everyday. No one deserves cancer, cystic fibrosis or infertility. This includes myself. Shoo, I said that for the first time. We would love to believe that if we work hard, do the "right" thing, and be good and courteous human beings that good things will come our way. It's simply not true.

So in addition to my quest for spawn, I have accepted a new quest to search for my own happiness. Starting yesterday, despite the pain in my neck, I allowed myself to enjoy In-Law Christmas. I enjoyed being a terrible aunt to my 8 year-old niece who is now concerned that Santa won't come because her missing teeth are clearly evidence of her addiction to crystal meth. (It doesn't help that a property near her house recently "mysteriously" burned to the ground.) Ahh, I should probably feel guilty that she whispered these parting words to me when she hugged me good-bye, "MK, I promise I don't take drugs. My teeth will grow back. You'll see." Just melts your heart, doesn't it?

So far I've had a Happy Christmas. Even though no one can give me the one thing I desire most, they can't take away what I do have in my amazing friends and family. My Christmas wish this year is for everyone to take a moment to appreciate what they do have. I certainly will.

Peace, Love and Drug-free nieces,
MK

I'm Not Crazy

So this past week I've been in increasing amounts of discomfort.  I feel like my body just hates me.  It obviously started with the miscarriage which caused extraordinary cramping...No wait...it didn't...It started before my egg retrieval with a tooth that began to ache that hurt all the way to my temple, but there wasn't really anything I could do about it.  Plus, I was on IV antibiotics and taking tyelenol which kinda worked. It did kinda get better, but THEN I had a miscarriage and was miserable on all fronts. This includes suffering from liver poisoning (Not really, but then again, maybe...) and puking whenever I thought about taking ibuprofen.

When that sort of settled my mouth kicked it into high gear, but I had antibiotics, tylenol, and ibuprofen so moving on...

Yeah so I woke up last Thursday, like, 'eww I slept wrong'.  Friday pretty much the same no worse. So knowing that I had to judge a gymnastics meet the next two days with a bad mouth and a wry neck I tried to be proactive, and I dug up the pain meds I didn't take after my egg retrieval.  I took one and got no relief.  It says you can take two at the same time, so I took another one.  Fortunately, I wasn't driving to Clarkesville, so I could lie down in the backseat and pretend I wasn't suffering.  Only I was getting more and more nauseous.  So I spent 10 minutes puking on the side of 40E while my carpool was like, 'Eww.'  So if you're wanting to count, I've been nauseous for a week, better for 4 days and now back to puking on the sides of highways.

So like a charm, my uterus decides to remind me that I have endometriosis that has been aggravated for the last 8 months so I'm also having cramps like a dehydrated football player.  Luckily I kept enough medicine down to only be aware of the pain, but not care for the rest of the car ride.  After googling on my phone, I decided that I probably wouldn't die if I took benadryl (Loratab makes me jittery...and sometimes so does benadryl), loratab, ibuprofen and amoxicillin and if I did, I wasn't completely convinced that it would have been a bad thing...so it was win-win.  Day time functioning was brought to you by crackers, ginger ale, tyelenol and ibuprofen cocktails.  Plus we finished way early so I got to add my narcotics at 8:00pm and try to sleep until Sunday morning.

I got home around 10:00pm Sunday evening and my neck and mouth were killing me.  I laid down on a neck roll, and it felt SO good.  I slept without moving which was great except I woke up not being able to move when I wanted to.  My neck is frozen.  I had to roll on my stomach and slide off my bed because I couldn't sit up.  I cried because I was at my wit's end, but I put my big girl britches on.  I made it to work without killing anyone due to my inability to turn my head.  Once at work, I took a boat load of pain meds and held a heating pad to my neck and head. I was also freezing cold, but so was  everyone else in the office so whatever.  Shivering only hurt my neck more.  Oh and my dentist's office was closed when I got the chance to call...so bah humbug.

To make my evening that much snazzier, I got an email from a local community college that offers dual-enrollment courses on our campus that they were cancelling them.  Due to changes they decided to make in October (nevermind that these kids were scheduled for the courses in June) I did not have enough qualifying students enrolled for the classes to make. This is after I spent 12 hours last week working with students helping them apply and complete the dual-enrollment grant  and changing their schedules to try to make the classes work out and had everything done a day ahead of schedule (all the while, clearly not aware of the new requirements that I was supposedly told over a phone call I don't remember having).

So now I was physically miserable, and now totally sucked at my job which was the one thing I had going for me.  So basically, I felt like everything I was touching was turning to shit.  I killed my baby, I screwed up 37 children's schedules, and I can't turn my head or sit up from a lying position.  So yeah, tell me how I don't suck at life?  I spent the evening crying to my mother who was staying with me while BJ went to Jackson, TN.  I took a cocktail of meds and got into bed.  I woke up, and it was like effing Ground Hogs' Day.  I can't move, I hurt like hell and feel like my head is going to fall off.

On my way to work, my dentist called and asked me to come in.  They determined that yes I was in pain and that I needed to be taking antibiotics and Loratab and to come back in the evening to determine if I needed dental surgery because they had done all they could do for this tooth with previous dental work.  (I have crappy English teeth that I got from my crappy English ancestors but my gums are super-healthy!)  So at least some things were being treated. At work, I was told that we could have one of the dual-enrollment classes because even in East Tennessee 17 children minus 2 who don't qualify = 15, the magic number to hold the class.  So that made me feel somewhat better about my job...well that and the pain medication.  However, at 4:00pm once again I was told that the class was cancelled...apparently 15 at Gibbs does not equal 15 at other places in Knox County...WHAT-THE-HELL-EVER...

My husband came home and took me to the dentist.  I took another dose of pain meds thinking it would help my neck, too, so I did not drive.  We made it to the dentists office without me getting carsick, but I wanted to.  My dentist did not think I had an abscess because I had been on antibiotics and I was still in a bunch of pain.  He though I had an occlusion injury which basically means I sprained my face.  It could have been caused by a crown being too large for my mouth even though I didn't feel like it was too big.  He filed my crown down and said I would hopefully see improvement the next day.  He also gave me a new prescription for Tyelenol 3.  While still making me nauseous, it knocks me out...I don't care about being nauseous if I'm asleep.

So now I thought, 'OK I'm going to be in less pain and get a good nights sleep and everything will be better.' That evening I started getting a bad sinus headache...one of those leather band tied around your eyes kind of headaches.  I was also really cold, but again, I always am. The Tylenol 3 did it's job, and I fell asleep pretty quickly.  I once again woke up in terrible pain and not able to sit up without holding my head on so it didn't snap off.  My mouth was still sore as the anesthetic had worn off, my headache was still there, and my uterus decided it was not getting enough attention.  In other words, I was miserable.  I cried to my mother who told me I could go to work, or go to the ER.  I hate most doctors as they tend to be arrogant assholes up to and including my grandfather, but I loved him so I actually enjoyed his arrogant assholism.  Plus he had the added benefit of never being my doctor.  Anyway, I'm specifically thinking about the three doctors that let me be miserable for 14 years because it was "just part of being a woman."  So I went to work since my mother was yelling at me for being a pansy, but I did make an appointment with a Nurse Practitioner at a clinic close to my school.  I'm thinking if pain-relief isn't helping my neck, maybe a muscle relaxant would help me, and unfortunately I don't have any of those lying around so I must depend on a medical-type.

So 2 o'clock came around, and I waited and waited and waited and almost walked out, but they called me back before I had the nerve to walk out.  I swore to myself that I would not mention the headache, it was just sinus afterall, because I figured they would say, "Sounds like you're a woman with stress.  Try ibuprofen."  However, they would not be fooled as I was holding my head up by the bridge of my nose.  So I got the whole ordeal including taking my temperature.  The nurse looked at me and said, "Did you know you had a fever?" I responded, "No, I did not."  She said, "Well, you do."

OK, so in addition to losing 18 lbs in two weeks due to recurrent nausea. I have torticullis, an ear and sinus infection with a fever, a bad hair day, sprained face, a job assignment that requires other people being capable of counting to 15 when they can't, anxiety and adjustment disorder.  No wonder I feel like shit.  I'm actually sick.  Who knew?  So  in addition to muscle relaxers, I got a shot of Toradol which is an anti-inflammatory, a shot of steroids (hurt like hell by the way, and I'm no needle-phobe), a prescription for a stronger antibiotic, and more steroids in pill-form.

So this brings me to this evening.  With some home-made chicken stew (THANKS MOM, [even though you tried to kill me and made me go to school today with a fever]) and enough drugs to have a really good time tonight, I'm hoping to feel much better from the neck up really soon.  From the neck down...Oy vey...

*WARNING: If bureaucratic bullshit upsets you, don't continue reading.*

On the Lupron front so my uterus will shut the hell up, I received a letter from my prescription insurance saying your prior authorization has been approved. "Call this number for assistance with getting the prescription filled."  So I called the number, and was told that I needed to actually call another number.  So I called the other number and was told that my insurance had not approved the medication for me yet.  I'm all like, "but I have this letter," and they are like, "but it doesn't mean anything," and I'm like, "but it says it's approved," and they are all like, "It IS approved by the prior authorization department, but it has not been approved for dispensing to you" and, I'm all like, "That makes no sense. What the hell language are you speaking?", and they are all like, "We need information about why it was prescribed for you." and I'm all like, "That was what was on the prior authorization, no?" and they are like, "it did not have enough information," and I'm all like, "Well, what the hell more information do you need?"  And they are all like, "We need to know WHY it was prescribed," And I respond, "Because I have endometriosis, which is what the prior authorization that has been approved said," and they reminded me, "We are not the prior authorization department," and I nicely asked that since I was diagnosed with a condition that causes pain and currently in pain caused by the said condition if there was any chance I could get the medicine in the year 2011...and they responded, "Not if it takes that long to verify the prescription and diagnosis....At this point, I may or may not have said, "Go to hell you imbecile" and hung up.  You'll never know...

So this is a week in the life of the unfortunate infertile, the losing 15% that didn't get pregnant in two rounds of IVF.  The sad thing is, I'm really trying hard to be better...

Peace, Love, and prescription narcotics,

MK