Don't Ignore...Yourself!

As you can see, it is the close of National Infertility Awareness Week.  They sponsored a blogging challenge with the theme of "Don't Ignore...", and as I am always up for a challenge...I accept.

Obviously I picked "Don't Ignore...Yourself!"  Of the many things I learned on the crazy hell-ride that is infertility is that it is super easy to get consumed.  Infertility consumes your life, marriage, and happiness.  While undergoing fertility treatments, it is so easy to let your life revolve around your ovaries.  You forget how to enjoy life because all you can think about is am I eating the right things, doing the right things, taking my medication at the right times and hoping against hopes that this is going to be your cycle.  

Through the process, it is easy to ignore all the things that made you happy.  I know I let myself become too miserable to enjoy anything.  I loathed my husband's ability to live his life and enjoy things and people when what we were going through was just so sad.  I allowed myself to wallow in my pain.  I avoided things and activities that made me happy because I just didn't want to be happy for anything but having a child.  Trust me, infertility treatments are sad enough in their own right, you don't need to add to that.

Worse than that, I ignored the things in my life that weren't making me happy in the first place.  Infertility really has been a gift to me in a way, because I am forced to look at the things in my life that were making me miserable, and I am getting a chance to fix them.  I put those things aside, because I thought being a mom would make me care less about them. It wouldn't have, and I risked jeopardizing my entire family's happiness on the shoulders of an infant.  What a terrible burden to place on a child!

So, if you're seeking any advice from a thus far unsuccessful infertile, it is this.  Take a deep breath and seize the moment!  Take the opportunity to examine the current state of your life.  Are you happy? Fulfilled? Are you proud enough of who you are to say that to your child? If you can say yes, then proceed.  No matter what road to a child you take, you will be successful.  It may not look like what you thought or originally wanted, but if you are truly happy with everything else in your life...the details of how your child came to be won't be near as important.

If you can't, then I strongly urge you to take a little extra time.  Work on yourself and resolve those issues or at least figure out a way to be at peace with them without a child in the picture.  Afterall, don't you want to bring a child into a happy home?  I do.

Peace, love, and being otherwise happy despite infertility,

Mary Katherine

The Transfer

Yesterday I told you I got the call from my embryologist in the morning.  I was expecting an email, so my heart dropped, and I did that auto-pilot thing you do when you are expecting devastating news.  Fortunately, the first thing she said was "I'm calling with good news."  My heart resumed beating and she told me that all three of the morulas had made it to the early blast stage.  She expected them to be further along when we got there for our retrieval.  Apparently, the rest of the day, because I was the only transfer that day, she ran around telling everyone employed by the Fertility Center, LLC in Chattanooga that I had made blasts and showed them their picture.  It's part of the reason I love this place.  They are all so amazing and supportive.

BJ and I got to Chat-town a little early and decided to go Christmas shopping at the big mall that is not near as impressive as it was when I was 9.  What can I say?  Once you go KOP (King of Prussia) you don't go back.  As I said, we were Christmas shopping so, of course, we only bought clothes for ourselves.  I got a cute skirt and top in a size smaller than normal.  I believe in Murphy's Law and hope that I cannot wear it for a really long time...well, after a couple of weeks anyway...

It was time to go to the clinic and I was called back for an hour-long massage.  It's included in the IVF package.  So yeah I paid a lot of money for a wonderful massage with a hopefully happy ending.  At least that is the joke BJ and I've been telling each other...hehe...  Then they sent me back to the waiting room. Then they sent me to the lab for my progesterone levels to be checked.  (It's over 40 which is perfect!) Then they sent me back to the waiting room.  What was only like 5 minutes felt like an hour, but finally Susan comes to the door SMILING!  Yes, Susan, was smiling.  Last time, I don't even remember who called me back and then we had the parade of the team doing their death march to tell me, "Umm, your embryos aren't so good."

One of my embryos had become a genuine grade-able blastocyst.  It wasn't a perfect score, but it's in the category of 3AA- which is a high enough grade to consider a single embryo transfer. The three refers to the amount of the blastocyst's expansion, and it just had not had time to take on much fluid.  The first A means that the baby parts were perfect. The second A- refers to the trophectoderm, the part that becomes the placenta.  It wasn't a B, but they were lined up a little loosely.  Susan once again performed assisted hatching on them, and was thrilled to see that it was already starting to hatch itself out the hole she had made. Otherwise it may have been a 4...The other two had made progress, just not quite so much but one was still looking pretty good, so we went ahead and transferred the better of the two still early blasts.  7 other embryos including the early blast were alive and kicking. Two more had become early morulas which is what we had last time.

This is our embryo B in the morning.  It's an "OK"early blast. Its a couple hours behind  embryo A.

This is a Brilliant early blast that is also BJ's and mine. It should look like a rice cake...not bad, huh?

This is Embie B, again 3.5 hours later.  Isn't it neat how fast they grow?  It's still too early to grade but he's making progress and doing fine.

This is Embie A 3.5 hours later and she's a beautiful specimen of a blastocyst.  The outer cells (which are a little bit loose for a A, but an A- nevertheless) will become the placenta.  The cavity part that looks like crinkled paper is going to be the amniotic sack and the little ginger-bread-man looking thing in the low middle is Baby Roberts.  Best moment so far!!!! You can see at the top she's already trying to hatch out which is what you want because that's how they implant in my uterus.

****I do not actually know the sex of these embryos...this is just my silly, sexist conjecture.****  

Dr. Donesky came in with a big smile on his face which has been an unfortunately rare appearance once he starts talking about technical things.  He said this is what we expect.  "We just need one good one and still expect to see some lower quality ones. One is all it takes."  So instead of  bawling crying going into this transfer, I was happy/excited.  So happy and excited that I forgot to ask for water to drink to fill my bladder...OOPS!  I took a quick swig of what I had which wasn't much and tromped down the hall in my shirt, socks, and sheet with BJ in tow.  It all worked out ok as far as my bladder, but one of my ovaries which is still ginormous decided to be a camera hog. (Makes me feel better about aforementioned skirt purchase.)

So, it's a good thing my bladder wasn't full because they had to mash down pretty hard.  I'm pretty sure Dr. D would be very unhappy if I'd had a completely full bladder. For whatever reason the whole transfer process was more difficult this time, but Dr. D finally was happy with everything and the embies were transferred.  The key word is transferred. No one can force an embryo to implant and grow up to make a fetus. I think people sometimes assume that with IVF if you put two in you get two out, or whatever.  But this is a clear case that science can only do so much.  No doctor in the world can make you pregnant, or else I'd have the next available appointment.  After the transfer I had a much easier 30 minute wait before I got up because my bladder was not near as full.  (Remember, ladies, if you ever have to go through an un-pregnant uterine ultrasound, I am living proof that you can cheat it a little bit and be a lot more comfortable.)

So now I've got until Friday around 4pm to be lazy and get up only when absolutely necessary.  As in bathroom trips and eating.  It's a rough few days of trying to not drive myself crazy. Every twinge, and after seeing my ovary I understand why, makes me wonder 'is it happening?'  'Are these implantation cramps?' I keep reminding myself that I'm not an insane person, and that it's not normal to have symptoms this early.  Although I am still on a million hormone supplements, and my ovaries are still acting weird so even if I did, it could simply be residual effects from the stimulation.

It's not all wonderful news, unfortunately.  Susan called me later this afternoon to tell me that none of the rest of my embies could be frozen.  The blast from yesterday did progress a little futher, but the quality wasn't there.  One of the early morulas made it to blast today for a total of 4.  So, no matter what happens, this cycle was 400% better than last.  It was definitely worth trying again.  Susan reiterated that she felt good about the embryos she chose for transfer. One of my online cycle buddies found out she was pregnant this week after having nothing left to freeze out of 23 embryos.  Basically, I've put all my eggs in my one basket. So now it's just praying, hoping, praying, hoping.  And once again, let me take the opportunity to thank everyone!  I would be nowhere without all the love and support I've gotten the past several months. I am forever grateful!

Peace, Love, Prayin' and Hopin'!

Mary Katherine

Random thoughts...

So everything is hunky-dory at Casa de Roberts on what has been a nice fall weekend, aside for another football loss, which we are unfortunately getting pretty used to in this part of the country...

BJ's getting psyched to start his new job. Unfortunately/Fortunately, his new job starts exactly when our IVF craziness gets hectic, but he met with his new boss this past week and found out he can take a couple of days off his first month working [SHEW!].  I have a great husband who has made a lot of sacrifices for me.  I think it took a lot of guts to meet with his new boss that he hasn't even started working for yet and tell him our "situation". Once again we've been blessed with employers who are as forgiving as they can be.

The only bummer about the timing of this cycle is my parents will be in Italy.  I'm so happy for them, and I hope they enjoy every minute of the trip.  It's just going to be different not being able to call my mother 2, 3, 4 times a day when things are scary, stressful, or just sad.  Sure, I have friends I could call, but who will listen to someone incomprehensibly sob into the phone for a half hour without telling you things will get better if things go poorly again? Who just listens to you lament without offering a fix?  Logistically, what do you do with a 6 month old 50lb frolicking puppy when you are on modified bed rest? I can do all these things, in fact I get paid to listen to other people suffer, but I've never been good at using my friends when I need them.  I truly hate being a burden.  I super hate for people to see me when I'm sick or incapacitated.  I just don't feel like myself and don't want to be seen.  So my options are to kennel my dear Emma, ask for help, or maybe both...AGH!

As for me, I'm trying to not be too preoccupied with this cycle.  I've had fun this weekend hanging with my husband, my mom, and a close friend.  It's been nice to just be "normal" despite running off to swallow a pill or shoot up occasionally.  I'm still trying to eat more organically, and a nazi about taking my drugs at the right time, but that is all I can and have to do.  It doesn't take up my whole day.

The Lupron has been pretty easy.  No side effects at all (told you I didn't believe in them...) The only issue is the needle.  These are super tiny insulin-sized syringes I'm using.  They don't hurt at all, except when the needle is blunt.  Then you have to go all kamikaze soldier on yourself.  I'm 2 and 2 on sharp and blunt, and visually they look exactly the same..ugh!...or maybe my skin is that tough (FINALLY)!

While I'm not spending hour upon hour on fertility message boards I am following a group going through their IVF cycle around the same time.  It's easier to be more concerned for them, to share my experiences with the 1st timers, and to have a specific group to pray for and know they are praying for me.  Again, this is a very isolating experience.  It's seems even more isolating after a failure.  I don't know a single person personally who has been through an IVF failure, so a little time on a message board where I can find a few helps.  Unfortunately, thus far we've started this cycle with more consoling than celebrating.  If you would not mind, please throw in an extra prayer for all of us who are suffering through infertility.  Thanks!

Peace, Love, and a Prayer or Two,
MK

Ask and you shall receive...

at least some things.

Yeah, so my period finally started last Thursday so I made the call to my IVF Nurse Coordinator, Jan, took 800mg of ibuprofen and went about my day with increasing doses of ibuprofen every four hours.  The next day I received 3 phone calls back to back from Jan.

My period came too late, and as we hypothesized, I ovulate too late to wait to start my Lupron.  After a few phone calls to Dr. Donesky, his partner, and Jan, they agreed that I'll start on birth control pills.  This is a good thing because it may very well save me from the cyst draining procedure that does not require anesthesia.  Wednesday, as in 3 days from now, I'll start Lupron shots.  As the name long Lupron protocol suggests, I'll be on shots for a long time through November.  

I'm not gonna lie, I am not excited about this like I was the first time.  I'm more resigned to it. I hate that I can't make myself "think positively", and it does make me feel guilty.  It's just really hard this time to get pumped up for it.  I'm afraid I don't have anything to look forward to in the short-term.  The long-term...well I'm just up for a pleasant surprise.  It's the natural pessimist in me...prepare for the worst and be elated that you don't need anything you've prepared for.  

It's not like I think there is no chance, it's just that I don't really know what my chances are.  I know Dr. Donesky thinks it's totally a possibility.  He doesn't want his success statistics to go down any more than I want to have another failure.  So no, I don't think he's taking advantage or stringing me along as some have questioned. He's second only to BJ in men trying to get me knocked up. (If there's anybody else in that line, I'd prefer to not know about it.  Thanks! :))  There is just a ton of unknown, and if you know me at all, you know the unknown is not a place I like to spend a lot of time.  

So instead, here's what I do know.  BJ and I've really jacked up our supplement intake this past month and are continuing to do so throughout this whole process.  In addition to a new protocol, I have the whole bromocriptine-rebound thing I'm still doing which research shows has promising results.  I wouldn't be doing this again if it wasn't worth it.  I know what to expect, and all-in-all, medically speaking, nothing is too bad.  I have BJ, and he's still pretty damn amazing.

M:  Whatcha thinking now?

B:  I'm still nervous, why?  Are you interviewing me?

M: Mmm-hmm.  Do you wanna try again?

B: Mmm-hmm.

M:  What's our theme this time?

B:  "The Good Life"?

M: I think it's perfect.  I myself am trying to listen to "Jesus Take the Wheel"

B: Why?


M:  Simply for the line, "I'ma let it go."

B:  Ah...

M:  Tell me about the book you've been reading.
B: Clash of the Kings?  Or are you talking about Plastic Cup?


M: Hmm..Well let's use deductive reasoning skills...I'm pretty sure people aren't checking my blog to hear...
B:...hear about George R.R. Martin's very epic Clash of the Kings.  Well it's more interesting than my sperm count.


M:  You wanna start a blog about it and compare readership?
B:...You're pretty mean.


M:  It made me laugh.
B: Mmm-hmm


M:  So, about the much more boring book...Did you like the title?
B: How to Make Love to a Plastic Cup...mmm-hmm.  I've not read a lot, but it is helpful.


M:  Well, I thought it was funny...I love you a lot.
B:  I love you.


M:  I do think this time will be easier.
B: We'll I'm sure you're an old-hand at injecting yourself with God knows what, and I'm an old-hand at cowering in the corner while you do it.  


M:  I'll let you try this time.
B:  I tried. I didn't do well.


M:  That was years ago.
B:  Well nothing has changed on how scared of needles I am.


M: We could make an acupuncture appointment for you?
B: No!


Poor thing...the human race would have gone extinct long ago if men were left to themselves...

Peace, Love, and HERE WE GO!
MK

"The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering if something could have materialized - and never knowing."

~David Viscott

Ho-Hum

So more acupuncture, less fertility happenings...which is why I've not blogged so much because I hate to bore everyone.

Any-some-how, BJ and I are chugging along.  Good things are happening in some areas of our lives.  BJ is about to embark on a new adventure.  He has accepted a position at a small little university in town.  We are both ecstatic as this has been a 3 year job search.  Fortunately, (OK, extremely fortunately) BJ has been able to stay employed during this job search after an internship/possible career did not pan out back in November 2008.  Perhaps the tides are turning for us...

On the spawning front, the IVF coordinating nurse is patiently tapping her fingers waiting for me to call.  So yeah...I'm patiently waiting, too.  It's day 32 of this cycle and nothing seems to be happening.  I'm 99.9 sure a miracle conception did not occur, so I'm not rushing to pee on another $8.00 stick and be disappointed. It's not worth the $8.00.  I can't start shooting up for this cycle until after I start my period, so I'll continue to wait.

It's an improvement for me to not be panicking at this point.  The nurse telling me that this cycle is a go for us no matter the date it starts helps me not worry about that stuff too much.  And, they even have a December cycle if it doesn't, so it's not like I'll be waiting until January.  It's all good!

BJ and I, in the meantime, just keep trucking and taking our horse pills.  We are trying to eat more organically because they say that's good for his swimmers and my eggs.  Emma has even joined the cause...

Emma Grace has expensive taste as that is an  organic honeycrisp apple that she pilfered as I  was putting up groceries...Gotta love retrievers!

I guess that is all for now...

Peace, Love, and Apples,

MK

"Adopt the pace of nature:  her secret is patience."

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

"And here we are again."

This is what Dr. Donesky opened our follow-up/debriefing/give me hope/whatever else you want to call it appointment after shaking our hands. 

*SIGH* Yes, here we are again.

It has been a long, terrible, and painful week.  This is the first day I've made it until 6:49 pm Eastern Time without breaking into tears.  [Pats self on back.]  You go into an IVF cycle full of hope.  You know things are going to work...Hell, it does work for 65% of couples.  Besides, would you really pay your child's first full year of college tuition if you thought, 'oh, there's probably no chance.' No, that would be absurd.  So you're so excited for your future, for your possible children, for your family.  You think this is going to be a cake-walk and then...

NOTHING. Notta, zip.  Not even a frozen embryo to try in a few weeks.

I still can't adequately describe the pain I've been in for the past 11 days. There is the physical pain, which I had a good 48 hours of excruciating cramping.  At one point I couldn't even sit up to take medicine because I was doubled over, and I couldn't bare to straighten.  Then, there is the emotional pain. I've been blessed enough to never have had a boy break my heart. [Translation:  I was an ice queen (ok, bitch) who never let a boy get in close enough for me to be attached enough to break my heart...until I met BJ :)] Well, I think I've caught up and surpassed that kind of broken heart.  Mine was/is shattered.  Everyday I seem to find a piece in something.  I totally thought I would have spent the last week staring at myself in the mirror thinking 'Gee, I'm pregnant.'  Instead it's been spent trying to accept the reality that I may never get to be pregnant.

As if it wasn't bad enough that the cycle failed, the problem we have with our ailing embryos is devastating news.  As Dr. Donesky says, "It's not what you want to see."  So, since the transfer, I've had to try to deal with the fact that this may not work, EVER.  I can't tell you what it's like to think that you may not be able to create a little being with your soul mate that has my eyes and his hair (or, hopefully, vice versa).  To not get a chance to see all the great things about BJ and myself made into a precious little being...  To not get a chance to roll my eyes at all the traits and qualities that we didn't really want to pass on...  This has been a huge blow, and no one can really tell you anything you want to hear because all you want to hear is "You're pregnant."

I've quit crying on my way to work as of yesterday, but after sitting through a student support meeting about getting homebound services arranged for one my pregnant students, and then listening to her complain about how awful she feels, how she wishes she could go back in time, blah, blah, blah...I lost it.  Ruined my record of the day before which was 11:30 am before I started crying.  Instead of keeping track of HCG levels, I've resorted to how many hours I can go between tears.  I've had to grieve, because I've had significant lost, but at what point do you say enough?

I don't know if I've been that harsh with myself, but I did come to the conclusion, that I can parent.  Whether it be a successful IVF cycle, using donor eggs, using donor embyros, or adopting, I still have plenty of opportunity to have a child.  I HAVE time, I have opportunity, and I have my beautiful husband.  Oh, and I've still got the best RE going, in my opinion, not to mention family and friends. 

So, today, we met again with Dr. D.  He opened with the above statement, and then we got down to business.  He said over and over, it just takes one embryo, and that we have it.  He's changing my protocol completely.  We're going to do a bromocriptine-rebound along with a long-lupron protocol.  He told me to keep taking a new supplement I started called coenzyme Q10 which is an antioxidant.  I'm back on the gluten free train.  BJ and I are both going to start a new supplement called Juice+ which is like eating 17 fruits and vegetables in a day, which, I'll be honest, I don't do, nor anywhere close.  Basically, we are trying to increase cell stabilization by reducing free radicals in our systems. 

I start taking Parlodel on Monday, which is the bromocriptine.  The idea being that it will supress my pituitary from making any prolactin (hormone you produce in large quanities while breast-feeding).  Then I'll stop taking it a few days before I take the stimulation medication, and my prolactin levels will increase to higher than they were before (hence, the rebound). Scientists know prolactin is in the fallopian tubes.  They don't know what it's doing there, but they know it has some affect on the embryos.  There have been a few studies that show improvement in overall embryo quality in patients who have had poor embryo performance in previous cycles i.e. ME. 

The long-lupron protocol will shut my pituitary down more than the birth control pills did.  In fact, I won't be taking birth control at all this time.  It does mean more shots, but this honey badger don't care. I'll start lupron shots some time toward the late middle part of my next menstrual cycle, which considering this is the first unmedicated cycle I've had in 6 months...should be exciting.

Actually it is exciting.  It's another chance for that one embryo which is all we need.  I believe BJ, Dr. D., Susan, and I can do it. We will do it.  Am I a little more fearful? Yes, but who wouldn't be?  Am I ready?  Definitely, you can't accomplish anything if you never make an attempt.  So here I am, AGAIN, holding BJ's hand, and ready to take down this beast which is infertility.

"Courage doesn't always roar.  Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow'."
~Mary Anne Radmacher

Peace, Love, and a Little Courage,
MK

Falling Slowly

Have you ever had a song on your iPod for forever and then something in your life happens and all the sudden the song strikes a whole new chord? So yeah, that happened...

Ladies and Gentlemen, Glen Hansards's song from the Motion Picture, Once: 

Falling Slowly

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You'll make it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice

You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing it loud

I also want to say thank you for the continued prayers and well wishes.  I'm a pretty lucky lady to have so many wonderful friends and family members sticking by my side through what has easily been the most difficult and painful experience of my life.  

To BJ,

I have no words to express how grateful I am that I have you in my life everyday.  You are my hero, and I could never have survived this without you.  I am so proud that I get to call you my husband.  You are truly an amazing person.  I love you so much and I want you to know that I still believe.

That is all,

MK

Survival

I laughed today.  I don't even remember in what context, but I laughed. It surprised me at how easily it came.  I was ashamed of myself for a fleeting moment, but then I let it go.  I don't need to wallow. I can mourn and live at the same time.

I couldn't sleep last night because I took medicine for the cramps that have been off the charts.  While the medicine takes the pain away it leaves me too jittery to sleep (I know, I'm strange).  So it was me, my sleeping husband, my snoring cat and my despair.  What if this never happens?  What if our embryos are just as poor of quality?  How will I live through this again?  What if we just stop? Should we stop? That's when my chest heaves and I can't breathe.

We can't stop.  Not yet.  Only time will tell if we are delusional or not.  I know some people think I'm crazy for wanting to go through this again, but I'd be willing to bet none of those have had infertility.  Look at Celine Dion who recently conceived twins on not her 4th, 5th, but 6th cycle of IVF.  Dr. Sher, who is one of the leading infertility doctors in the country said, "Statistically speaking, a woman under 40 years of age, using her own eggs, having selected a good IVF program is likely to have a better than 70% chance of having a baby within three completed attempts."  

The only people I knew personally who went through IVF were successful on their first attempts.  Now I know people who weren't successful until the 4th, 5th and 6th.  I hate it, I really do.  The thought of the stress and angst can be overwhelming, but again what choice do I have if I want my own child?  I'm not ashamed to say that adopting is not my first choice.  It's far from off the table, in fact I have an attorney on retainer (thanks, Daddy), but I do want to try for my own, and I can.  

Maybe that's the difference.  Maybe having a doctor that still believes that I can get pregnant, that wants to try something new, that is even willing to call other RE's and do some research makes a difference.  It could be my husband cheering me on.  It could be my parents and in-laws who've been so supportive and want me to try again.  It could be God whispering 'don't give up'.  

I cried a lot today, too.  I cried when people told me they were sorry.  I cried when one of my co-workers hugged me.  I cried when people just asked how I was doing.  I enjoyed working, though.  I enjoyed working with students.  I'm  not gonna lie, I stuck with mostly college planning and hopeful things, but I loved hearing the excitement and enthusiasm in my students' voices.   Everything was going swell until a student asked me if I was going to have kids after looking at a picture of my husband and I.  It took my breath away for a moment.  You think, 'oh sweet child, if you only knew'.  I looked at the picture she was looking at and I said, "Yeah, I think so."

Peace, Love and Thinking so,

MK

It Just Got Real

If you haven't read the previous post, I'd recommend reading that before continuing.

I'm known for being an emotional man. I cried at my wedding rehearsal, much to the horror of my wife and mother-in-law and the surprise of the gathered family and friends. I cried at the final episode of Lost. I cried watching Marley and Me (but honestly, who didn't??).

But only once, before today, have I cried since this whole journey began. I forget what the context was (after one of the failed IUIs, I think), but MK was really upset and I might have allowed myself a tear or so in front of her. I waited until I was alone that I let the rest out. I never wanted to cry in front of her. I needed to be strong for her.

Today, it got real. This might not work. When they told us that none of the embryos may be frozen, it hit me. We weren't expecting this. Not at all. All of them? Why? How? It was a wave of emotion when I saw the disappointment in MK's face.

I held it in through the procedure. I saw the picture of the two proto-babies they were inserting and said a silent prayer.

It was when we got to the recovery room and we were left alone is when I looked down at MK and couldn't hold it any more.

I always said that I wouldn't be upset until we were out of options and the Doc would finally say "That's it. We're done." It's when we were done with all the natural/science options is when I would be upset. Until then, there's options. There's hope.

Now, knowing that there's a chance that those embryos might not make it to freezing, it got real. I am hurting for those dozen or so almost-babies. I'm hurting for MK. She's been a real trooper through all this.

So just the two of us. We cried together for the first time. After a minute or two, I realized that there's still hope. There's two bundle of cells that might become the next little baby (or babies) Roberts. As long as there's hope...

And the waiting begins...

A person is a person, no matter how small. ~Dr. Seuss

Yesterday, after a nerve-wracking two and a half hours late phone call, I learned that out of our 17 babies, 4 arrested, or quit developing.  So we are down to 13.  I can't say I'm not disappointed, but realistically that is still an amazing amount to work with.  I guess it all depends on your philosophy of when life begins, but when all you've ever had is an embryo, each loss is difficult and leaves us with fewer attempts at a frozen embryo transfer, later.  Again, they only ever expect 30% of embryos to make it to day 5, so anything above 5 and we're beating the odds.

Today, I've tried to rest some more as I've got some beginning of the year, raging sore throat megalo-virus.  I can't talk much to my husband's amusement. I've peed like 18 times today so far (still trying to get rid of all the extra fluid).  I gained 4 of the 8 I lost back the next day and now I'm down 5 for a net of 9 so we're trending in the right direction.  I've tried to get the house ready for Emma Grace's grandmother (my mom) to come doggy-sit since we are headed back to Chat-town. I think I've picked my prescious puppy up so many times today,she is getting sore, but today is possibly the last day that I can pick her up for a while so she's just gonna have to take it!  I also hit the elliptical for one last time for hopefully several weeks...(PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE).

I can't say I'm not a little hesitant about the transfer.  My wee ones have a lot of help and support right now, and I'm so scared that I'm going to fail them.  Again, I know I've been extremely compliant and have continued to take all my meds exactly as directed despite a near death experience with a vein and an IM injection (lots of blood, but everyone survived).  There just is not as much control on the implantation side of things. To exacerbate matters, I'm already feeling crampy and pressure in my lower abdomen like before a period starts.  Hopefully it is just the progesterone buffing up my uterus, but it still makes me nervous. I hate to think that there could be something else I could have done to ensure that my babies make it to 4 weeks and then 5, 6, 7....

In 10 days, I will either be the happiest I've ever been in my life, or at the lowest point of my life.  There is no inbetween.  I can't even fathom how I'm supposed to prepare myself if this doesn't work.  How do you get past the feelings of failing at one of life's most basic functions?

Well, it's time to finish packing and begin the next leg of this journey.  All I can do is take it one step at a time.  Give it up to Him and my medical team.  Pray that I'm strong enough to make it through whatever outcome this brings and remember how much I love my husband and how loved I am.

Peace, Love & Survival to day 5,
MK

The Husband Speaks!

Early on in my wife's blogging endeavor, she asked me to contribute. I, of course, said "Sure!" Trying to figure out what to contribute was easier said than done...

As MK has stated previously, we had a plan. Well, she had "the Plan"; I just chimed in with a "Yes, dear." It was a good plan: We'd be married for two years before we started our family. Though when we got to the point of starting to try, I was hesitant. I was ready to be a father, but I wasn't ready to be a father. I'm not sure why I was uncertain about it all, but I did get over it by talking to MK.

That's key: communication. Open communication.

We tried and tried, and month after month - nothing. It was frustrating for MK who was focused on "The Plan." Me? It didn't bother me that much, if at all. I knew for some people, they got pregnant happened immediately. For others it took time. Time and Patience.

That's key: patience.

I was focused more on my career and where I wanted to raise my family. These distractions kept me from focusing on the frustrations of how things were not happening according to "The Plan." I knew MK was frustrated. I tried to be as understanding as I could be. But it was rough seeing her so frustrated month after month. There's nothing you can say or do to make things better. This fact became more painfully apparent as things progressed.

After MK's surgery, things got more frustrating for her. After the first month - nothing. The second - nothing. We were told that the surgery could increase our chances of concieving. No such luck. I figured that the problem might be with me.

Dear readers: You may think that this is hard to admit for a man. Admitting that there is an issue with my...stuff would be difficult to some, I imagine. For me, it was just the next step in finding a solution. It takes two to tango, no?

We found a fertility clinic and an appointment was made.

Now going in, I did have some preconceived notions of what I would do. I would sign-in. Whisper why I was there to the nurse. Get my "collection cup" and go into a posh room full of visual aides and collect a sample.

I. Was. Wrong.

I was ushered into an exam room with a closed door in the corner. The nurse told me I could go behind the door and collect a specimen. The door to the exam room closed, and with cup in hand, I opened the door to what I imagined would be the clinical equivalent to the "Grotto" at the Playboy mansion.

What I found was a small bathroom. It was white and small. There was a radio in there playing some Elton John or some easy listening music. I thought that was appropriate. I noticed another door. I approached it hoping to find this fabled lounge that the media had taught me was in every fertility clinic. I opened it finding the hallway outside the fertility clinic.

Fast forward a week to MK and I going to the clinic to get our results. We met Dr. D and he explained the situation. I won't go into details of his analysis since MK has done so else where on the blog. I will say that Dr. D is fond of drawing graphs and diagrams as he is explaining things. This is helpful, and, to me, a bit amusing. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because his sperm diagrams remind me of the Gary Larson Far Side cartoons.

As mentioned, MK has described that initial meeting with Dr. D, but I would like to talk about my experience. As Dr. D described my sample, MK automatically teared up. I, on the other hand, took the news that my boys were shaped like Stewie rather well. I wasn't upset. I suppose I took the news with a "How do we fix it?" attitude.

I'm sure I'll blog more. I think the most important thing I could share with husbands, boyfriends and significant others that are dealing with fertility issues is to be patient with your female partners. They will be sad, angry, and feel worthless. You must support them! Keep them as optimistic as possible. Try to remember that there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel. Just be strong.

Until next time...

Attempt Numero 1: I hate Clomid...

As soon as I was done crying over my previous failure (March cycle on 50mg Clomid), I started taking 100mg of Clomid to get ready for my first attempt at intrauterine insemination. I took it on days 3-8 of my cycle. The previous month, besides growing more emotional, I really didn't have too many side effects. By the third night of 100mg of Clomid, I woke up @ 2:00am burning up. I am generally cold-natured...like it was 94 degrees out today and I'm wearing a hoodie kinda cold...so this really threw me off. I woke BJ up and said, "I think I'm hot." His response..."Good for you." It was a bizarre sensation. My thighs felt like I'd done a thousand squats and were really burning from the inside out. It radiated through the rest of my body from the inside. It finally dawned on me that this was a hot flash. I never paid much attention to my mom when she complained of hot flashes.  I had no clue what it was actually like. Well ladies, let me just say we don't have a lot to look forward to. For the next couple of weeks, I would wake up in the middle of the night drenched while being hot and freezing at the same time. Oh, and the emotional side-effects...

True Story:
We were getting ready to move to our new house. I had bought a glass-top coffee table to go in my conceived, ultra-hip contemporary living room we were going to have. One evening after work, I saw my new coffee table and had a meltdown.  I stared at the coffee table and just sobbed for hours. Finally, I called my mother and bawled to her about how I'd never be able to adopt because we'd never pass a home inspection with a glass coffee table. There was no reasoning with me. I was adamant that I had ruined any chance of ever adopting because of this coffee table and there was no sending it back, because I had bought it on sale. My mother, who is a retired social worker, tried to console me by telling me social workers aren't worried about your furniture during a home inspection, but with dogmatic conviction I proceeded to argue with her that yes they did. I could never provide a safe home...At the time it all seemed to be a rational response and made total sense. So ladies on clomid, it's best to refrain from making any important decisions such as paint colors, furniture, or even what to wear without help because of its potential to induce nuclear meltdowns.

I went in for my first ultrasound (US) and bloodwork on the 11th day of this cycle. My right ovary was apparently taking the month off, but my left did have a few follicles.  Unfortunately, they were too small to be very promising. A few hours later (and this is how it goes from here on out) the nurse practitioner calls you and lets you know when you need to come back in again and what you need to do with your medications. Because of my lack of progress on such a large dose, my doctor wanted to try a step protocol, and he had me take 100 mg of Clomid for 8 more miserable, waking up in the middle of the night, behaving like a raving lunatic days.

I had my next set of labs the day of prom. (I'm a faculty advisor for the prom committee.) My right ovary was still on vacation, but my left had 2 large follicles. They measured between 22-25 mm, which is large enough to be considered mature. After a quick lesson on how to give myself my Pregnyl injection (medication to trigger ovulation), she sent me off and told me she would call me shortly with instructions. I drove back to help finish decorating absolutely elated. I was truly happy for the first time since right after my surgery. I felt hopeful.

But alas, the nurse called with not good news. My blood work indicated that I had already ovulated and they would not do the IUI because it would be a waste of my money. (You only have 24 hours after ovulation to fertilize the egg, and they had no way of knowing when exactly I had ovulated.) Dr. D's partner called me a little later to check on me and encouraged me to make a follow-up (a de-briefing would be more descriptive) appointment. So just like that, it was all over, and I had 0% chance of having a baby this month. Talk about emotional whip-lash. There I was with rolls of multi-colored mesh, seashells, and Chinese lanterns bawling my eyes out yet again...

Thanks to some amazing friends who just happen to be co-workers, I was able to pick myself back up and get through prom.  I even managed to not lynch the pregnant student who had sobbed in my office for a half hour because her prom dress no longer fit.  No lie...She even came over to show me how a seamstress used the material from the hem to increase the side seam. Thanks a-lot, MTV...

Having to cover up some red-eye, but blessed to work with these amazing people!

I got home really late that night and had a breakdown.  I was so angry.  I wanted to destroy something. (Mind you, I had taken Clomid that morning.) I threw a tantrum full-out with kicking, screaming and punching that would have made an angry 2 year-old stop and say, "You crazy, lady." I felt like such a loser because I wouldn't get to try to have a baby even with medical intervention.  I hated my body for being so damaged that it didn't even respond to medication correctly.  BJ was there the whole time holding me, soothing me, saying all the right things, and saying nothing at all when I needed him not to.  Even through all the darkness of that moment, it's hard to forget how wonderful it was to have my UH-MAZING husband right there with me.  Oh, the thrill ride of fertility treatments...

Until later,
MK

And now for something completely different...

I've thought I would do something different and introduce you to my super-hero husband with an interview...and so you could get a male's perspective on this whole make-a-baby quest...

M: BJ, tell me about yourself.
B:  28 year-old, I am 28, right?

M: Yes, why don't you just brag about it...
B: I work in higher education.  I enjoy it.  I'd like to be a communications scholar, news junkie...

M: I'm bored.
B: I know, right?  I'm not that interesting.

M:  I am beginning to think this was a bad idea...So, what was your master plan for life?
B:  I wasn't sure I was going to get married.  I lived in a small town, and I had pretty much tapped out the dating pool.  Then, I met you and I wanted to get married, have a family, and have a career in journalism.

M:  Why'd you marry me?
B:  Cuz I love you.

M: Why?
B:  We just clicked.  You're beautiful, smart and funny.  We just work together...we fit.

M:  You're ok with going on the record saying I'm smart?
B:  I guess it's too late.

M:  You bet!  When did you want kids?
B:  At some point...I didn't have a timeline.

M:  Were you ok with my master plan? (Married for 2 years, then have kids)
B: Um, yeah.

M:  Well, moving on. Tell me when you started to worry about our lack success spawning.
B:  A lot later than you.  It probably wasn't until I had my semen analysis with Dr. D.

M:  Makes sense.  Did you think I was insane for worrying?
B: No, I thought you were impatient.

M:  Well, thanks.  I thought you were que sera, sera.  Why do you think it's so different for us?
B:  Because you [women] are programmed to breed and give birth.  For you, in particular, I think this is one of the few times you've had a problem and couldn't just get it fixed right away.

M:  Try the only...Why do you think some people wait so long to get help?
B:  I don't know.  It could be a number of things.  They don't want to know something is wrong.  Or, they just don't think they have to have kids right away.  Not everyone gets pregnant on the first try.

M:  Our mothers did...
B:  Yeah, but they're not everybody.

M:  Would you encourage couples to get help sooner?
B:  Yeah probably after a year.  If you're older, probably sooner.

M:  (Smiling) You read my blog?
B:  No, it was from meeting with Dr. D.

M:  (Laughing) Ok, well, what has been the hardest thing so far?
B:  Watching you be disappointed month after month and that ongoing depressed state it has caused you.

M:  How about you? Were you disappointed?
B: Yeah.

M:  I'm sorry.  So, you had a test to check your fertility.  Do you wanna talk about it?
B: Not really.

M:  (Laughing) That is ok...
B:  It's not that big of a deal.  There's just not that much to talk about. I just wanted to make sure it wasn't just you or not you at all with the problem.

M:  Aww, you're sweet.  What were you thinking when Dr. D said you had abnormal morphology?
B:  I guess I just wanted to know if there was anything I could do to fix it.

M:  I was scared we'd have to use a sperm donor, and then I wondered how much Elijah Wood's sperm would cost.  Who's sperm would you want to use?
B:  Ben Affleck

M:  Yuck!  OK, to be fair, what celebrity egg donor would you want to use?
B:  Katy Perry, but only if we could do it the old fashioned way.

M:  (Mouth gaping)
B: What?!  She's on my hall pass list.

M:  Well, good thing you can't, then. How are you with the whole fertility treatment thing?
B:  Kinda taking it as it comes.  I'm both excited and hesitant.  I feel like this is the last chance if it doesn't work. (We are starting IVF this cycle.)

M:  That would be sad.  Can we not try another round?
B:  I guess so.  If we have the money.

M: (Sighs) I hate that part.  What's been the scariest thing so far?
B:  Probably the first IUI attempt that was botched and you had that freak-out.

M:  Yeah, I can be pretty scary.  Do you still like me?
B:  (Shakes head yes) You're alright.

M:  Just alright?
B: Yeah.

M:  I'm fishing for compliments. Try again.
B:  You're nice?

M:  That's better...Do you want a divorce?
B: No!

M:  Why do you think so many couples facing infertility end up getting divorced?
B:  Maybe some men just want to move on.  It's such an emotional hardship and some men can't deal.  Some women can't either I assume.

M:  How do you deal?
B:  Well, I don't have to grieve every month like you do.  I guess I have other things to distract me from it.  I'm not going to be real upset until they sit us down and tell us we have no more options.

M:  What would you say is the current theme song of our relationship?
B:  I don't know.  What do you think?

M:  "Hit Me with Your Best Shot"?  I would say that Sia song from the last Twilight movie because it sounds sad and pretty, but I can't understand what she's saying so I don't know what it's about.  Maybe "Keep Breathing" by Ingrid Michaelson.
B:  That works.

M:  So, why don't we just adopt?
B:  It's definitely an option.  but I'd rather keep trying until we can't.  I'm just not ready to give up on having our own child.  I don't mean adoption is a bad thing, I'm just not ready.

M:  I feel the same way.  I think that is something that has really helped us.  We may have different levels of anxiety about this whole process, but we are on the same page when it comes to our plan of attack.  Ok, who's worse?  MK on Clomid or Cruella DeVille?
B:  MK on Clomid, definitely.

M: How 'bout MK on Clomid or Leona Helmsley?
B:  MK

M:  Really?
B:  Yes.

M:  I guess I don't ever see it as that bad...
B:  It's pretty bad.  You are nasty and you snap, but not only that, you withdraw and want to be alone.  All unabomber like...

M:  Well, I do want to keep some of my friends, and they probably wouldn't tolerate raving lunatic bitch, MK as well as you.  I'm truly sorry that I've hurt your feelings.  It's just the Clomid talking.  It's kind of like being possessed.  Do you have any advice for dealing with raving lunatic bitch, MK, that you could pass on to other super-hero partners dealing with their hormone-crazed counter-part?
B:  Patience!  Alone time, too.  It's important to get away sometimes.  Infinite patience.

M:  You know I love you, right?  You're pretty amazing!
B:  (Smiles.)

M: Do you have any other thoughts or advice for other manly men doing the infertility thing with their partners?
B:  Have patience.  There really isn't a lot you can do.  Love them, support them, and try to keep things as normal as possible.

M:  God, I love you!  So, how am I as a journalist?
 B:  Not too bad.  You're no Lois Lane.

M:  Wow, I was totally having an "Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better" moment, and you just burst my bubble.  Anything else?
B:  No.

M: (Sighing.) Men!  Can't spawn with 'em, can't spawn without 'em.

And we're out,
MK & BJ