Keep your head up.

This is a good one.  An infertility diagnosis is not only sad, it can be humiliating.  Something that comes so easily for what seems like all of your friends and family makes you feel like you should be embarrassed.  In reality, it does make it hard for a lot of people to relate and empathize with what you are going through, but that is no reason to be ashamed.  I've said this before, but it's one of the best things my mother ever said to me through this journey...You wouldn't be angry at yourself if you developed cancer.  You did not ask for this, but you have to accept it.  The sooner you realize that you have a disease, and it is something you have to deal with, then the more energy you can put toward resolving it.  

As for the heels, well, at my height [in the area of 5 feet above the ground], they are practically considered orthopedic. So yes, I wear heels a lot, even to my reproductive endocrinology appointments.  I know you may feel sad, want to put on sweats, and hide yourself in an over-sized hoodie, but I urge you not to.  You, not your husband or significant other, ultimately has to continue taking care of yourself.  Sometimes just going through the motions of putting on your war paint (what my daddy calls make-up) and your cute little outfit makes you feel sassy and battle-field ready. Even when you thought there was no way on earth you could feel that way!  From the MK school of counseling, there is a lot to be said for "Fakin' it 'til you make it!".  I certainly must encourage you, as you pursue fertility treatments, to keep a list in your mind of all of the things you have going for you and go over it every day.  I, personally, am thinking about making a poster and tacking it on my ceiling so I see it as soon as I wake up.  A list by the bed would work, dry erase marker on your mirror, I'm sure if you pinter-stalked around long enough you could find some totes cute ideas! 

I digress...don't forget what being dressed up does for you.  It's easy to be intimidated by a doctor with an alphabet soup behind his or her name of credentials.  Don't be intimidated.  Remember the doctor is on your team, and you are the team captain. So if it takes being dressed up to give you the confidence to speak with him or her, then definitely go for it!

Speaking of doctors and standards, let's talk about them.  Unless you live in a large urban area you may not even have a fertility clinic in your hometown.  Heck, I do live in a larger city with a teaching hospital, yet the closest clinic that does IVF cycles consistently is over an hour and a half away.  So, I urge you to start doing your research.  It may be that your problems can be resolved with medication prescribed by your regular OB/GYN, or it is a reasonable starting place for your given diagnosis.  If they are willing to do the monitoring and IUIs, make sure you find out what their protocol is and what they would do if you ovulate on a weekend. Also, don't be afraid to ask what their success rate is. If they are flexible, have someone willing to come in on off hours to perform the IUI, and have a decent amount of success with IUI's with people diagnostically similar to you, then by all means go for it and save yourself a commute.  That being said, you are probably going to be hard pressed to find a regular OB/GYN who does all of that.

When you start pursuing fertility treatments it is an investment, especially with IVF.  You deserve to know that your money is being well spent.  I encourage you to use resources like the Society for Assisted Reproductive Technologies (SART) published success rates.  Every IVF cycle is going to tell you more about your diagnosis.  So go back to this site often with your new information.  You can sort the data by your age group and diagnosis.  If there is a clinic within a reasonable amount of driving distance that has better results for your given set of conditions...get your hiney over there!  ESPECIALLY note that there are probably plenty of clinics that have just as good results as Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (CCRM) and Sher Institute of Reproductive Medicine (SIRM).  In fact, my little clinic in East Tennessee has better stats in some areas than Dr. Schoolcraft at CCRM.  You will probably be quite surprised at the number of clinics that do have as strong of stats as CCRM.  

So you bet the first thing BJ and I do is check out the new data when we are ready to resume our efforts before we make the first call to a fertillity clinic for an appointment.  As much as I love the Fertility Center, Pat, and Dr. D, another doctor may be having better results from a slightly different protocol that he has experience performing.  Another mark of a good clinic is that your choices will be supported, even if it means finding a new doctor.  I already know I have Dr. D's blessing to try somewhere else.  Ultimately, he wants the same thing as BJ and I very much do...a baby of our own.  

In Summary:

1.  I hope you never have to make these decisions.

2.  I hope if you find yourself in this situation, you never forget the blessings you already have.

3.  I hope you find a caring physician that you can work well with and a caring staff who is equipped to meet your needs both in experience and success rates.

Peace, Love and Keep That Chin Up, Lady!

MK

The Less-than-Optimal Fertile Christian

I haven't tackled how infertility effects or doesn't affect my spiritual beliefs, but I have had enough people attempt to explain my infertility away through their own beliefs, that I thought I deserved a turn.  I apologize if I offend anyone with this post even though no one has ever apologized to BJ or me for forcing their beliefs on us, or for telling us what God is trying to "do" to us.  I will never truly understand what it is about infertility that makes other people feel they get to give advice and judge our choices when it is something they've never dealt with.  It's a disease just like cancer is a disease.  Most tactful people don't go around the cancer ward telling the patients they don't have cancer because they do such and such.  It is EXACTLY the same thing!

That being said, this is my attempt to explain, through my own words how infertility has had an impact on me.  I am no biblical expert, and would never claim to be.  I'm not even attempting to debate anything with anyone.  I just want to take the chance to explain my thoughts and feelings on this matter through my spiritual perspective.

I am a proud "Cradle Episcopalian" and still consider myself one. Outside of church, I grew up in a very fundamentalist-rich environment and was frequently asked if Episcopalian was "even Christian".  Yes, it is....You remember Henry the 8th from World History?

That's us!!!  We were right there with Martin Luther breaking off from the Roman Catholic church.  Grant it,  the motives might have been slightly different, but none of us is Jesus Christ.  Am I wrong?  Anyway, if we are anything, we are tolerant.  This is probably the single most thing I enjoy about my church.  Our patrons are so diverse, and I feel very privileged to be part of that.  We are truly practitioners of the Golden Rule and "Judge not lest ye be judged." What all Episcopalians have in common is our Worship at the Episcopal Church which is a "creedal" church (See Nicene Creed) unlike most of the "confessional" churches that surround us in the Bible Belt.  Think of it as leading by example rather than words.  Let me reiterate I'm not saying confessional is wrong, it's just not what the Episcopal Church is.  I know some fine people that belong to confessional churches.  (But I know some that are annoying as sin, too!  I might even know an annoying Episcopalian or two...)  Episcopalians would never, ever say that our denomination (or religion, for that matter) is right or superior to yours.  Our "dogma" is simply the Apostle's Creed, and we NEVER add to this.  This is how the Conservatives in the front right pew of our church get along with Liberals sitting in the front left pew across the aisle.  

As for my faith and infertility, it is simple.  I have faith.  I know that I was made perfect in God's image even with infertility, just like my uncle who died of cancer was made perfect.  So I know that God did not "give", "cause", or "punish" me with infertility.  It is simply an unhappy circumstance that I must face during what I will one day look back on as a brief period of time of my life here on Earth.  If God just willy-nilly, "giveth and taketh away", and everyone who prayed for anything got it, there wouldn't be much point or need for religion would there?  For what reason would we have to sin if we had everything? 

I most frequently hear, "It's just not God's time for you."  Well, he sure picked a bad time for all the high school students I worked with that got pregnant.  Conceiving as a consequence of rape doesn't seem like an opportune moment, either.  For that matter, we as Christians are all really here because of a pregnancy with an extraordinary amount of bad timing for a young, unmarried virgin. What about when I or anyone miscarried(s)?  Are you saying that God made a mistake?  "It's your time. No wait, I changed my mind." I'm not honoring a debate on how a miscarriage wouldn't count as a "mistake" if you argue that life begins at conception.  God doesn't make mistakes, and I truly believe that.  God blessed me with this life, and I am working much harder at appreciating the one I am blessed with because I am realizing how truly blessed I am.

I simply pray for strength.  I pray to hold steadfast to my faith during this dogfight, to let God do His work through me as I face this battle, and to live up to my potential as a Child of God.  In a recent post I said something to the affect that God knew what He was doing in reference to me not having a child, yet.  This is simply my perspective on the current situation.  I don't really believe that God will "give" or "not give" me a child. I may or may not be blessed with a child, and yes I see that as different.  To be blessed with something is to have it as part of your journey on Earth.  We as humans will never understand everything we are blessed with as not all blessings seem "good".  Think about those that were martyred. I wouldn't call their lives happy, but they were certainly blessed. Yet, God blessed us with the means to endure the hardships and be humble, grateful, charitable and respectful of others during the good times, too.

The other one we get a lot is, "Maybe this is God telling you to adopt."  Did God tell you not to adopt?  This is such a personal decision, and I am grateful to have this option.  It is but just one option out of many that BJ and I have.  I am willing to share that we are talking to people who have adopted and are learning about their experiences, but we are also learning about other options as well.  So, my honest response to that is, 'No, I've not felt a call from God to adopt at this point nor have I felt a call to not adopt.'  The only call about our spawning journey I've felt recently, was from my husband when he said we've had enough for the time being.

I am proudly saying, that my journey with infertility has only strengthened my beliefs.  I'm finding happiness in life with what I have now.  I can honestly say that I truly have learned to appreciate what I have in the past year.  I thought I did a year ago, but, alas, no I didn't.  I had the idea, but now I got it I am getting it (definitely a process!!!). It's so much nicer to wake up knowing that I already have more than enough things in my life to wake up happy for. I believe that I am a loved child of God no matter what I face in this life, and that's why the Devil says, "Aw, crap!" when I get up each morning.  

Peace, Love, And Also With You,

Mary Katherine Roberts

PS. It would also be hasty of me, as a pierced, tattooed, sinning Episcopalian, to end this without saying, "The Episcopal Church Welcomes You!"

I don't know where I'm going, but I promise it won't be boring!

OK, so for a while now I've been thinking what should I do with this blog while we are on a baby-making hiatus? (Well, at least by artifcial means *wink, wink*.)  I've been looking at some blog challenges, but let's face it...I've blogged about long metal objects being shoved up my cervix.  I think we are a little beyond an acrostic for M-A-R-Y at this point.  Nor do I think anyone cares that my last meal if I were on death row would be Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup heated up by my mama.  (Nobody does it like my mama does it.)

I finally got a Pinterest account (I know, I'm always late to the scene. Story of my life!) Anyway, I'm obsessed. There is so much stuff and so many good ideas.  Even cooler, RESOLVE, the National Infertility Association, has it's own pinterest board with a lot of inspirational sayings and ideas that really hit home to the infertile-minded.  So, with all this inspiration, I came up with my own idea for a blog challenge...because once in a blue-freaking-moon I get all creative and such...

I've decided on a pinterest blogging challenge.  Pick a pin and talk about it!  Why is it significant?  How will it help BJ and/or I on our journey to parenthood? Some may be really short, and I think that is ok...some are totally random....I'm not sure how a picture of Damask cloth inspires a blogpost, but we'll work through the details of all that mumbo-jumbo later.  I'm just going to start with one of my boards and pick a pin.  Easy enough, right?  So here I go...

My mother has always said that I am, "certainly never boring", and I've accepted that this is probably my fate.  I will never quietly fit in with norms, even when I want to.  However, I always thought I knew where I was going, what I was doing, when I was doing it, how I was going to get there and what it would look like when I got there.  If infertility has taught me anything, it's that I do not have a %&*#ing clue!

As someone who tends toward the obsessive-compulsive personality type*, letting go seemed impossible.  It took a lot of change, and stripping away of all my plans to realize how much better life is when you just live it for this moment.  If there is any advice I can give to a fellow fertilly-challenged (I just made that word up because I'm amazing, and I can do that) person, it would be to just let go.  It's super scary, but it can let you live again and have a lot of fun, too. 

Letting go is not easy, but it does not mean quitting. It means just letting go of the idea of friskiness in bed sans the pill equals a baby. You and I, we just don't have that option. That does not mean we will never be parents (unless you make that choice). It does not mean you will never get to be a mother, father, co-parent, it just means that we have a different road to take. You can flagellate yourself for being on that road like I did, but, speaking from experience, it does not help. So now I'm choosing to strut down Infertility Lane with my pink sparkly pumps,

my head held high, and with BJ at my side in his bright pink bow tie.   

Letting go enables you to live your life in this moment, even when things seem impossible, beyond unfair, and make no sense what-so-ever.  Letting go has enabled me to not be bitter towards my friends who have beautiful babies.  It enables me to attend baby showers without ruining them for my friends.  I celebrate every conception, because I know how much of a miracle it really is.  I pray that my friends who are struggling get to their miracle before I do, because no one deserves this pain.  I have accepted that I have no clue when I will get to join my friends in Club Mama, and that is totally fine.  What they probably do not know, though, is that I'm studying them.  From every announcement to maternity picture and whatever other good ideas...I'm storing them away, because when it is my turn, it's going to be epic (Is epic still cool to say?...Whatever, it is if I said it!) My child is going to get the benefit of learning from some classy ladies as they figure out what works and what doesn't.  I am humble enough to appreciate that, and look forward to their help and guidance one day. 

Like I said, I'm clueless as to the how, when and what is going to make it happen.  I've let go of all of that and held on to the dream.  You know that saying...something about obstacles being in the way, or only seeing the obstacles when that is what you focus on, or somehow they, like, disappear or whatever if you keep your eye on the ball...err, well, you get the point...  All, I've got is a dream, and a rough sketch, and for now that is all I need.  It's time for me to let things fall in place at their appropriate time and not force it. I may be amazing, but I'm no god.  And however the plan unfolds, I promise it won't be boring!

Peace, Love, and Epic Non-Boringness,
MK

*This is actually Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder, but I prefer to use the term type because, I feel like it shouldn't be a disorder to have high standards! ;)



 

This is What Happens...

...when you have more time than you wanted thanks to infertility... I wrote the following letters to our dear friend that is house sitting for us when we go on vacation next week.

Here is the letter from our golden retriever, Emma Grace:

Dear Uncle B,
Thank you so much for staying with me while Mommy and Daddy run away.  We will have so much fun together, and I will be so happy.  I will be sad that Mommy and Daddy are gone, but happy you are here. Happy, sad, happy, sad.  I like you, but I digress...


Mommy and Daddy told me I should tell you what I like and need.  I said, "Everything!", but they said I needed to be more specific about what I need while they are runned away.  Mommy and Daddy said you have to "work" during the day.  I would like to come with you.  I'm a good helper!  What you mean, "That's not gonna happen?"  Sad...  Oh, hi! Over it...


So I want to be near you when you sleep, beside the bed, on the bed, in the bed...whatever you are comfortable with.  Mommy and Daddy close the gate in the hallway because I make "bad decisions" sometimes when given free access to the house.  Typically they don't let me go in the other rooms, either.


In the sunshine time, Mommy or Daddy, take me out to the backyard so I can potty.  Sometimes, I don't like to go because I want to be with you, but then I forget.  Sometimes I don't go potty right away, so Daddy potties outside and reminds me.  This helps...Will you go potty outside with me?  I play in backyard while they go swimming inside.  They come get me after they are all wet, and I hang out with them while they put their furs on.  I like to watch Ann Curry.  She pretty...


Mommy and Daddy say I have to stay in my kitchen when you go "work."  I have a laundry basket full of toys that hangs out on the dining room end of the kitchen or in the dining room.  I will be very happy if you check that I have it with me in my kitchen after the gates are closed.  Mommy and Daddy check the counter tops for things that I cannot have.  Sometimes I get upset and like to have things that I'm not supposed to have...I do not mean to do bad things but sometimes it happens.  So, if you like something, don't leave it on the counter...I can reach far...


Mommy or Daddy fills up my bowls with kibble and water. (Not in the same bowl, but each in their own bowl.)  Daddy plays the radio for me.  I like Star 102.1.  Katy Perry pretty...Sometimes Mommy and Daddy throw a few Milkbones around for me to find.  I like Milkbones...


I can go all day without potty break, but I will miss you tons and tons.  If you would like to come home for lunch, I will babysit you.  Just let me out in the yard for a bit and then I come back and sit on the couch with you.  You pet me.  I love you.  If you don't mind to refresh my food and water supply if needed I would be much obliged.  I like Milkbones...


When you come back from work I will be so proud, happy, and give you hugs.  I go out and potty or you can take me for a walk.  I would love to go for a run with you and can go about 3 miles now if it's not too hot.  I love to swim.  I swim every day.  Every day I swim.  You can swim with me.  I will swim with you.  Once or twice while Mommy and Daddy are runned away I will need you to clean my ears.  This is an unlike for me.  I will cringe and cower, but it does not hurt.  Just squeeze some goo in my ears, rub them, and then runned away because I will shake my head.


Oh, and other medicine I may need.  My allergies make me itchy, so sometimes if I'm really itchy Mommy and Daddy give me 3 Benadryl tablets in a spoonful of peanut butter.  I like my medicine so much that sometimes Mommy and Daddy just give me peanut butter if I've been a super good girl.  Which I have been, so give me peanut butter, please!  If Benadryl does not seem to be enough, they have steroids I can take every other day.  I can take it with the Benadryl.  They make me nap real good.  I like peanut butter!


In the sun not shining time, I get one pouch of wet food in a different bowl or half a can of ALPO.  I love this very much.  I play hard but eventually wind down.  Sometimes you have to wake me up to go potty before you go to bed.


I go to Banfield Animal Hospital in PetSmart.  Mommy and Daddy said they would leave a credit card number for emergencies.  I love toys!  Is this an emergency?


I am a good helper, and I will help you around the house.  Mommy and Daddy water the ferns about 3x/week.  There is a water hose between the front porch and the garage.  I can go on a leash, but I also have a stake you can use if you stay in front yard and need both hands.  There is a plant on the deck that needs a cup full of water a day, too.  I will help you with that also.  I love to practice soccer, frisbee, and I have 66.67% of retrieving down pat.  I like Beggin' Strips...and Milkbones...and Peanut Butter...and Ice Cream!


Thank you again, Uncle B, for staying with me while I house sit for Mommy and Daddy.  I love you SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much!  I like Milkbones.


Love, 
Emma Grace


PS. I like Milkbones, Beggin Strips, Mommy, walks, Daddy, running, Uncle B, Frisbees, balls, swimming, peanut butter, kitties, ice cream and Milkbones.


It gets worse...This is a letter from our "Big-boned" cat, Gaius:

Dear Can Opener,
It has come to my attention that you will be temporarily, and I do mean temporarily, replacing our guardians, Mr. and Mrs. Roberts, for the week of June 30th  through July 6th in this the year of our Lord 2012.  I have spent the last four years of my wretched life training Mr. & Mrs. Roberts, so I do hope you learn quickly.  I will try my best to go easy on you if you displease me, but I cannot be expected to tolerate your ignorance for more than 5 seconds.  Am I clear?


My food bowl, there is to be food in it at all times, or I will bleed you.  This is not difficult.  Feed my brother, Lucifer, and I, and you will not be harmed.  If there is no food in our bowl...well, let's just not let that happen.  Our food bowls are to remain on top of the refrigerator away from the Goggy so she does not eat our food, and we do not have to dispose of her.  Conversely, if we choose to eat or drink her food and water, we may do so as we please.  Is this clear?  As much as I loathe Goggy, she does seem to keep Mr. and Mrs. Roberts out of our fur.


In the evening, preferably before you feed Goggy its gruel, you will give us our portion of canned food.  Lucifer and I split a quarter of a can.  You can give us more.  It pleases us when you do.  We also shall be given Temptations kitty treats.  I am to be given one more than Lucifer.  Do you understand?  I can count, and you will rue the day if I find out that Lucifer has been given more treats than I.  Is this clear?


Occasionally I will need a Swedish massage.  The times and places will be at my discretion.  I will assume the "Precious Kitty" position and you will rub my belly unless I bite your hand.  If I bite your hand, that means "no", or if I let you pet me for a while and then bite your hand, it means, "stop".  This will be my only form of communication with you.  At night, I may sleep with you, or I may not.  It's completely up to my discretion because ultimately I am the one with all the power.  I may let you pet me, but this is only as a reward for following my directions throughout the day.  The rest of the time you are to stay out of my fur and leave me be.  Is this clear?


Any further directions or communications can be made through my brother, Lucifer.  As long as you stay in compliance and keep the proper amount of food in our bowls you will not suffer any pain.  I do welcome you to our home, but I do not like you.  Are we clear?


Yours Truly,
Gaius Baltar


Oh, it's not over yet...our other cat Lucifer must say his peace also...

Dear Captor,
My dear brother, Gaius, has informed me of  your intention to reside, temporarily, with us.  This displeases me, but then again, much in life displeases me.  As you are well aware, we have remained in the captivity of Mr. and Mrs. Roberts for over four years.  I know, it disgusts me as well that my brother and I have had all our plans for escape thus far, thwarted.  One day...


My brother has also informed me that he has instructed you as to how to feed us.  Well, this is all well and good, sir, but you must remember that what goes in must come out.  We would request that you let us out of the house to use the facilities, but I would be a fool to think you were that stupid.  So we are forced to use our indoor outhouses.  We have 2 located upstairs.  One is in the Bonus room, and the other is in the guest bathroom.  Once a day, we expect that you scoop our $h!t.  Not doing so displeases me...


Just as you do with your own $h!t, you can flush it down the toilet.  We also have cat litter spray we expect you to use on the litter.  Just a couple of sprays does it.  Replace the lids and make sure the entrance/exit is turned where Goggy cannot get into it.  Honestly, I do not understand what Mr. and Mrs. Roberts see in that $h!t-eating, tail-wagging waste of protoplasm.  It displeases me...


Typically, I do not like to be touched.  Unless I give you explicit permission by sitting next to you on the couch do not bother me.  Do not confuse this act of affection with Stockholm Syndrome.  It is simply your reward for not displeasing me as much...


As part of the 12-step program for my recovery, I feel I should tell you that I am a rubber band addict.  I am approximately 12 days sober (Yes, I fell off the wagon recently. What of it?!), but I am now committed to a lifetime of sobriety.  It would be helpful if you were to remove any small rubbery object that I might swallow.  Since I am so newly sober (again), my sponsor, Goggy (I know...beggars can't be choosers), wants me to inform you of symptoms to look out for in case of an accidental overdose.  Refusal to eat, withdrawing, persistent vomiting are signs that I will need veterinary assistance.  My sponsor says you know where to take me.   Tell them I have a history of "pica" discreetly.  I do not need to be the subject of any more criminal investigations.  Most of the time however, I just vomit the forbidden object up, enjoy watching you writhe as you clean it up, and go on with my life as if nothing happened.  As long as I am eating, I am fine.  If I am not eating, then consider me displeased...


Only because I am up for a challenge, I will tell you to watch your back when you open doors to the outside.  As mentioned before, my brother and I have been trying to escape for years.  Typically, we stay by the house behind the bushes and surrender fairly quickly. I have been known to get trapped in our next door neighbors' backyard (the one without a cesspool).  This displeases me...


Lastly, between you and I, I am to be given Temptations kitty treats in the amount of whatever you give Gaius plus one.  Not receiving more than him...well it displeases me, and you do not want to displease me.  I think that this covers all pressing matters.


May you always live to serve me and my crown,
Lucifer


Yeah...so I'm quite pleased with myself...I wonder how you get to be a pet psychic...I think I've got a knack for it...

Peace, Love, and Yours Truly,
MK

What's New?

Being unconditionally, happy.  That is what's new.

I wake up, and I have an amazing husband, silly pets, amazing family, amazing friends and a lot more perspective. I'm a helluva lucky lady.  I enjoy each and every day that I am very blessed to have.

I've also been blessed with the ability to go back and do what I should have done 10 years ago now.  I have always been fascinated with medicine...like don't try to talk to me while I'm watching Discovery Heath & Fitness Mystery Diagnosis...and occasionally yelling something 5 minutes into the show like, "it's Marfan's Syndrome you ignorant buffoons and I have a degree in counseling." I just never really had the passion to give up 8-10 years of my life, and if I had I would have never met my Lobster, BJ.   I, more than anything and still holding true today, wanted a family and a life, which while I have some friends that are clearly able to balance their MD and having a family, it's still not really what I want.  If I had endless money, time and no husband, I'd go back in a heart beat.  I don't...so I did something else.  As I have always been forthright about, I picked school counseling for the "Mommy hours." Only, it turned out those didn't really exist, nor would being a Mommy come so easily for me.

When I started having to go to the doctor practically every day in Winter 2011, I had to fight the urge to follow the nurse with my blood sample back into the lab (well, when I had my pants on, anyway).  Not because of wanting my results, but having this absolute compulsion to know what she was doing, why she was doing it, how she was doing it, and what it would mean for BJ and I, or anybody else for that matter.  Sometimes, I think I come off as being nosy, but it's more that I can't stand not knowing the why's and how come's.  I want to know absolutely everything there is to know about a situation so I can understand it. I blame my parents for hardly ever saying, "Because, I said so." I had my brother's Funk & Wagnall's Encyclopedia set so I could look it up back before the days of Wikipedia, anyway!

Anysomewho, after some soul-searching, debating and taking in a good dose of practicality, I've decided to go to nursing school.  Since I already have a Bachelor's in Exercise and Sports Science (aka human performance) I didn't have to do too much to qualify for an accelerated BSN program.  I thought about a degree as a physician assistant, BUT, to be honest, I've never had a good experience with one.  Plus, I'd really like to go into women's medicine, and I've never seen a PA in a OB/GYN office. I HAVE seen several Nurse Practitioners.  Not to mention  that I can work as an RN while pursuing my MSN.  It will also enable me to return to the "pursuit of family" before my already scrambled eggs go bad with age.  Ultimately, I'd love grow up to be a Pat Whited and work in a fertility clinic to help other people in the horrible predicament of infertility.  I'd love to be somewhere like my fertility clinic where they are very forward thinking and oriented to the latest research.  They seem to have hired several former patients, so hmm... 

I realize I'm still in the throes of infertility, but ultimately, I know that BJ and I will be parents.  I have no such clue as to how that is going to happen, but for once I can honestly say, "I don't care." We still have so many options that we are blessed to have afforded to us.  Whether we pursue domestic infant adoption, foreign adoption, pursue IVF again, embryo adoption, use an egg donor, we are going to get the same result, eventually.  I've accepted that it's not going to be on my timeline, but as it turns out...thank goodness.  Sometimes I think the Man upstairs knows what He's doing after all...;).

So back to reality.  I've got a couple months before I'm eagerly pursuing a degree in Nursing, and I'm really getting excited. In the mean time, I'm just sitting back, reading like I'm about to not be able to do so for pleasure for 18 months, helping my dad close up his law practice, drinking coffee again, and just enjoying everything for the sake of just enjoying it.  With everything that has happened, it's still pretty good to be me... ;)

Peace, Love and the Pursuit of Self-actualization,

Mary Katherine Roberts
Stupidly Happy Person for No Good Reason, Future Nurse Ratchet
 

Mother's Day Blues

Today was the first rough day I've had in a while. BJ and I are approaching the end of our second year trying to conceive which is kind of amazing in a bad way. Our chances of conceiving are essentially negative at this point...that's disregarding the multiple failed fertility treatments we've undertaken. If you factor that in, we have a better chance of winning the next mega million lottery, literally.

While we are here, let's look at some numbers...The numbers are up to 1 in 8 couples will struggle with infertility. That's about 125 out of 1000 women. If those 125 seek fertility treatments, 81 will have children. The vast majority (about 68) of those women will only have utilized drug therapy or corrective surgery (yes, I realize I just said only surgery, but that has been one of the easiest things I've been through on this journey). In fact, less than 3% of the 125, or about 3 women will undergo IVF. Of those three women, 2 will have a baby and one will be me, the .8%. What luck I have!

In the past 2 years, 97 babies have been born or are on their way to my friends and acquaintances. I know of about 6 miscarriages including my own. I wouldn't be suprised if there were quite a few more, but most people don't set their Facebook status to "Having a miscarriage, thanks for asking", so it's harder to know for sure. Ok so I've indirectly admitted to being a Facebook stalker, but I spent the first couple of months we were trying to conceive looking for a creative way to announce our happy news. Then the next 6 hoping, praying and thinking I'd be one of the next ones, and then I just kept counting because I could...because at some point I'd be sure to fall on the right side of the numbers game. I mean I've never been that special in other areas of my life, so why this?

I used to really like statistics, until I ended up on the wrong side of them. It's so hard for the greater majority of people to understand how truly awful this plight is. It's especially hard this holiday. I never planned for a life without children. I never expected to not be getting breakfast in bed, a piece of jewelry, or flowers yesterday. I never thought I'd want to kill the next person who tells me a story about how someone they knew "was told they couldn't have kids, but they had them anyway." That's not inspiring, that's statistically lowering my odds that much more.

Anyway, as a representative of the 3.4% of women to the 96.6% of people who will have children, I hope you can truly appreciate how blessed you are. Love that baby extra hard for us and remember that you have a miracle no matter how much you did or didn't struggle.

Peace, love, and remembering the babies that were too perfect for Earth,
MK

Don't Ignore...Yourself!

As you can see, it is the close of National Infertility Awareness Week.  They sponsored a blogging challenge with the theme of "Don't Ignore...", and as I am always up for a challenge...I accept.

Obviously I picked "Don't Ignore...Yourself!"  Of the many things I learned on the crazy hell-ride that is infertility is that it is super easy to get consumed.  Infertility consumes your life, marriage, and happiness.  While undergoing fertility treatments, it is so easy to let your life revolve around your ovaries.  You forget how to enjoy life because all you can think about is am I eating the right things, doing the right things, taking my medication at the right times and hoping against hopes that this is going to be your cycle.  

Through the process, it is easy to ignore all the things that made you happy.  I know I let myself become too miserable to enjoy anything.  I loathed my husband's ability to live his life and enjoy things and people when what we were going through was just so sad.  I allowed myself to wallow in my pain.  I avoided things and activities that made me happy because I just didn't want to be happy for anything but having a child.  Trust me, infertility treatments are sad enough in their own right, you don't need to add to that.

Worse than that, I ignored the things in my life that weren't making me happy in the first place.  Infertility really has been a gift to me in a way, because I am forced to look at the things in my life that were making me miserable, and I am getting a chance to fix them.  I put those things aside, because I thought being a mom would make me care less about them. It wouldn't have, and I risked jeopardizing my entire family's happiness on the shoulders of an infant.  What a terrible burden to place on a child!

So, if you're seeking any advice from a thus far unsuccessful infertile, it is this.  Take a deep breath and seize the moment!  Take the opportunity to examine the current state of your life.  Are you happy? Fulfilled? Are you proud enough of who you are to say that to your child? If you can say yes, then proceed.  No matter what road to a child you take, you will be successful.  It may not look like what you thought or originally wanted, but if you are truly happy with everything else in your life...the details of how your child came to be won't be near as important.

If you can't, then I strongly urge you to take a little extra time.  Work on yourself and resolve those issues or at least figure out a way to be at peace with them without a child in the picture.  Afterall, don't you want to bring a child into a happy home?  I do.

Peace, love, and being otherwise happy despite infertility,

Mary Katherine