Superheroes

If you know my husband, you know he's short, and while much more athletic than he gives himself credit for, is not known for his feats of physical strength.

Yet, BJ, is hands down the strongest man I know. Our marriage has not been paved with the smoothest of roads when it has come to life obstacles. We've honestly had more than our fair share of heartache between unemployment, having to live apart, surgeries, miscarriage, infertility and multiple failed infertility treatments, and a bat-shit crazy spouse (that was me, in case you were wondering). Yet, here we are, very happily married. I can't imagine life where BJ isn't my other (better) half.

I could write a bunch of corny things about how BJ completes me, is my lobster, the missing piece of my heart, and every single one is an absolute truth. BJ and I have been put through the ringer, and each time, BJ makes his way through it while remaining patient and guiding me back through some of the worst moments of my life.

We've seen people we love fall out of love. We've seen couples break under the duress of life's unfairness. Yet, for some reason that I cannot begin to comprehend, BJ and I have made it through each and every challenge put in front of us, thanks mostly to his strength and incredible patience.

When BJ looks at me, from the time we started dating, to seeing his eyes as I walked down the aisle, to looking up at him through tears after devastating news, to now as he looks at me as he rests his hand on my expanding belly, I feel absolutely cherished in a way I know I can never feel with anyone else. He loves me because he loves me, and even I, with all my self-doubt, cannot deny that. He is the one that soothes my soul. He is the one my heart chose.

More times than any human should, he's had to wipe my tears, remind me I'm lovable, held my hand through one procedure or another, taken care of me after yet another surgery, squeeze my hand as we receive bad news, and patiently wait for me as I navigate all the horrible emotions that come with infertility.  All of this while suffering from infertility, himself.  Superman has nothing on BJ.

And it's not just the big stuff...He puts up with all my quirks with the patience of a saint, such as helping me find my phone that I had in my hand 2 minutes ago, and now have no clue where in the house I left it. To my uncanny ability to create complete and inexplicable clusters, like locking my keys in my smart car that you are never supposed to be able to lock your keys in and various other mind-boggling conundrums. BJ laughs at me, figures it out, still loves me, and makes me feel like I walk on water.

BJ, you are truly the love of my life.  You are my wonderwall, the one that keeps me far from feeling stranded, my knight in shining armor from a long time ago...  BJ, you are my superhero, and I hope you know what an awesome father you are going to be.

Peace, Love and Happy Birthday, BJ,

Mary Katherine

21 Weeks and the Anatomy Scan

I have waited, dreaded and been so excited for this appointment for 5 long weeks. If it weren't for having access to fetal dopplers at work, I don't know how I mentally would have made it without seeing or hearing Pico for 5 weeks, but we did make it.

Pico is apparently advanced.  Like right now, in what is supposed to be the point in my pregnancy that the baby is lifted off my bladder...Pico is head down using my bladder as a pillow, and likes it there very much...you can't get zym to wiggle or roll away from it, so we have yet to see our baby's full face...ever...We also didn't see a stomach bubble, but that just means I get to have another ultrasound at my next appointment. Oh, the disappointment...

On the flip side, Pico has a "normal" spine, "normal" feet and legs, "normal" hands, "normal" bladder, "normal" kidneys, "normal" diaphragm, "normal' heart, "normal" brain, "normal" cord,  I just loved watching Pico take practice breaths, and wiggle.  Even though I can feel those wiggles, it's still so surreal seeing a baby...my baby...doing all those things inside my belly.  It's still so hard to believe all those things are happening for us. The heart rate was 132, and the estimated weight was 14 oz, which is 2oz ahead of schedule...Pico!!! I ordered a small baby!!!! I may have to start smoking...(I'm kidding...I think...)

We also didn't see gender, ever...which makes my boy theory a little more questionable...BJ and I didn't look away from the ultrasound, and our sonographer didn't purposely look for gender, so we just thought if we saw, we saw, but it would be unconfirmed.  Well, it's unconfirmed for everyone involved...Pico will remain gender neutral for the duration...

I am just so thrilled.  I'm not too worried about the stomach bubble...just means the baby has not swallowed any fluid at that time. Oh, and fluid, placenta and cord insertion were all normal, too, so go me.  Apparently it's only the conception part that's a struggle for me, and I'm very, very thankful.

Other than a little indigestion, everything seems to be going well for me, as well.  BP is good, even after not sleeping for 18 hours (I worked night shift before my appointment), so that's good.  I'm pretty much rocking maternity threads everyday except for my scrubs...

I'm just happy.  Like blissfully happy...about everything...like a moron.  I'm enjoying the little projects around the house to get ready for Pico.  Next up is having the house ready for the flooring installers, then the chair rail in the nursery, and then we can start moving baby furniture into our "spare" room...which everyday seems closer and closer to being a nursery...which is still crazy in my brain. I swear I look at BJ, and I honestly got to the point that I thought this would never be us. I'm pretty sure he is sick of me asking "did you think we would ever get here?" I'm proof that even a pessimist can get pregnant with fertility treatments.  And God knows I am so very thankful. It makes me tear up when I have a moment to accept it. I'm really pregnant...

So at 21.4 I am...

...netting negative 7lbs for a gain of eight.

...feeling pretty great. Occasional bouts of indigestion, but easily resolved with just Tums.

...Craving...nothing

...Averse to nothing new

In love with feeling my baby move inside me. So much fun...and a little strange having this independent human moving around inside me. I find myself wondering what he or she is thinking/dreaming about all the time. I hope ze knows I dream about zym all the time, and already love all precious 14 ounces of Pico!

Peace, Love, and Grateful,

Mary Katherine

20.4

WHAT?!?!

Pico and I have made it past the half-way mark.  And, BJ has chosen to tolerate us and let us keep living with him.  So Win-Win.

It's been a bit of an emotional roller coaster if for no other reason than I am pregnant. We had a rough patch at work that involved a lot of sad outcomes and there is nothing like taking the tiny little body of a baby to a mom for one last time so she can say goodbye to kick you in the feels. Whether you have children, don't have children, pregnant or not, it's seriously the most humbling thing in the world.  As "just a nurse," I am honored to be there for those moms in these devastating moments.  It certainly has reminded me how thankful for every moment I have had during this pregnancy and every moment I will have.

I've been cleaning out the upstairs because we are getting ready to have our carpet replaced with hardwood, and I found a note attached to a can of soup that had rolled way under the bed and buried by Emma's toys that said "Eat this, and breathe."  It was my goal for myself in the days after my second IVF cycle that ended in a chemical pregnancy.  I distinctly remember the devastation, hopelessness, emotional exhaustion, self-disgust and loathing I felt. Breathing and eating were serious accomplishments for me while I was at rock bottom. Yet today, I stand in front of a closet-full of my friend's maternity clothes still in shock that I get to use them...that I NEED them!  So as dark as the days can be, there is more, much, much more...

On the up-hill side, while it's a tad early, my mother and I painted the nursery.  Again, flooring is being installed, so we chose to paint over the old carpet instead of waiting and having to be extra protective of the new wood floors.  People either think this is neat, or make a face like I'm raising a goth baby when they see the nursery decor thus far...but when you hate the colors brown,  pastel green and yellow, and are not finding out the gender of your baby, there is just so much gender neutral options left to you. We will accent with colors later, but here is our unfinished project...

Imagine white chair rail, and white nursery furniture, etc... The point is, I like it (I love black and white home decor), Pico can actually focus on it, and while I enjoyed Beetlejuice and Nightmare Before Christmas, Tim Burton is not the inspiration...although...wouldn't be the worst thing.

I've also felt the first movements that I couldn't blame on anyone else, but Pico.  I had felt them earlier, but I wasn't sure if it wasn't just my guts, but now I am confident it's my little Pico.  I've officially crossed over into the world of maternity clothes. It's so bizaare to have a belly.  Like if I rest my hand on my hipbone, my belly extends past it, because BABY!  I had my first 2 Braxton-Hicks contractions, which were kinda neat. My belly just got really hard, and then relaxed.  We are still reading Grimm's Fairy Tales, and I'm not sure we are learning many valuable life lessons, but if it was good enough for children in 19th century, I'm sure they are fine for Pico...or ze may actually grow up to be his or her generation's Tim Burton. I'm fine with that.

We have our big anatomy scan this week.  I'm still scared poopless.  I know Pico's heart is in good shape, or at least all the parts ze let us see thus far, but there are just so many things and parts and organs that need to be just so. My quad screen was normal, so that does help, but I can't help but worry.  And I worry that I've cursed myself by painting the nursery so early... I'm still an infertile after all...

At 20.4 weeks I am...

at -8 lbs...I've gained 7, and I'm pretty sure it's all in my boobs which still are acting like I'm going through puberty.
feeling pretty darn good.  I sometimes feel like I need a hernia belt at work, but I think it's just my belly stretching. Sciatica seems to have backed off. And I enjoy every growing pain in my belly.
craving...nothing
averse to...nothing new...
in love with my belly and everything that is going on inside of it. But if a stranger touches it, in the words of composer/modern-day philosopher Fergie, "I'ma start some drama. You don't want no drama."

Peace, Love, and Growing Pains,

Mary Katherine

18.6

Okay, so I'm kinda starting to believe something is happening.  I have this bulge in my lower abdomen, that doesn't go away.  I don't know that I've felt Pico move yet, but I think maybe I have??? I'm seriously in that chub-chub stage...Like right now my elbow is resting on my hip bone, but there is more abdominal tissue touching my forearm....that's weird.  I also can't tell if I'm walking or falling forward because it does feel like I've got some extra weight up front.

I'm also down to 4 outfits.  I did have five, but being a southerner I'm going to have to hang up my white shorts until spring break.  I can't blame the Pico bulge as much as my boobs at this point...although Pico and I have outgrown my waistbands.  Seriously, I have all these super cute shirt dresses that I can't button...nor have I been able to.  I've never thought about accommodating my boobs before...this is totally a foreign concept to me.

I did buy a few tops for this fall, one of which was a maternity top, but I'm struggling with late summer wardrobe. The Belly Band thing is a joke...I'm sorry, I'm not comfortable walking around with my pants unbuttoned, and as soon as I lean over or move the thing comes flying in one direction or the other.

Today was also the first day where everything I did made me have to pee.  I bend at the waist, I have to pee. I take a drink...have to pee.  Pick something up...Have to pee...Basically, I've had to pee all day.  I don't mind, but it is funny.  I just hope I don't pee on myself...that I'm not going to appreciate too much.

I have gone over a week without listening for hearttones.  It's the first thing on my agenda, tomorrow, but still, I haven't freaked out about Pico.  I've been doing a lot of reading to Pico because ze (I went to the University of Tennessee) has been able to hear.  We are working our way through Grimm's Fairy Tales...the real ones.  So far, we have learned it's not okay to beat your wife, that manipulation will get you far in life, and that if you want to grow big and strong, you need a giant.  Pico may be disappointed when ze is born.  But it's so much fun to read to zer...Gaius doesn't like it as much, he prefers to sit on what I'm trying to read...

I can't wait to read to Pico on the outside one day...but, oh do we have so much to accomplish between now and February. Perhaps it is time to prepare!

So at 18.6...

I'm netting -10 lbs. I don't know how...I feel like my uterus weighs 20 lbs...
Feeling like my boobs have forgotten we're not in the first trimester, anymore. They are acting up a lot...very much like first trimester.
Craving random things, and then I don't want them when I have them...what sounds good doesn't taste good, and what tastes good is the stuff I've been eating the whole time...
Averse to Progresso Chicken Noodle Soup...
In love with this little bulge...my bulge...I feel like I can finally look at BJ and say, "We did it!"

Peace, love, and bulging,

Mary Katherine 

17.5...Baby, Maybe?!!!

So other than a little bit of normal aches and pains, Pico and I are just hanging out. I check for fetal heart tones randomly, if I have time at work, and he or she is staying strong in the 140 zone.  I LOVE that sound.  Truly music to my ears.

I have had a better week and half compared to the last.  Sciatica stuff is better, still there, but not a problem when I'm moving. I am very blessed to have this easy of a pregnancy considering how hard and long it took to get here.

As far as the bump watch, literally 3 nights ago, I was super achy in my lower abdomen and couldn't get comfortable on my side at all. I rolled over to my back, and there it was...a little bump.  It's like my normally soft belly hardened all of the sudden.  I love the idea of it being a baby, but I'm not so keen on the idea of just looking pudgier than normal.

My mom fussed at me because I don't like it when people tell pregnant women they "look pregnant." I just hear an insult.  Like the other day, everyone was commenting on my co-worker who is about 12 weeks ahead of me looking "really pregnant", "puffy", "swollen"....So tell me how that's a compliment?  I feel like you might as well say, "you look big and miserable..." I know I'm pregnant, cognitively, I'm not sure I've totally accepted it, but I don't need to hear that I "look pregnant" because I don't want to be told I'm puffy, swollen, bloated or fat...just sayin'... My mother says I'm being too hard on people.

It's a love/hate thing with the showing.  I can hide behind a computer and tell people I'm pregnant, but I feel like telling people I'm pregnant in person is damning the pregnancy.  Like the odds of something bad happening increase with everyone that knows.  It's just infertility patient ridiculousness, but it seems real to me.  I'm still very anxious, worried, scared, and concerned that each day is the day the shoe drops, and I lose Pico.

So anyway at 17.5 I am...

up 3 lbs for a net gain of -12...so maybe it's not a baby bump...*sigh*
craving...nothing I don't have access, too.  So it's not much fun...I still haven't had to make a food run for something I just HAD to have...but I'm enjoying raw cucumber, when it's available...
averse to sleeping on my side apparently... I end up either flat on my back or face-down with one knee hitched up by my side so I'm not totally compressing my belly, but even with a body pillow, I'm struggling with the side sleeping.
in love with the idea that this could be really happening!!!

Peace, Love, and Bumps,

Mary Katherine

16.1

I am 16 weeks pregnant...I don't believe it. I seriously feel like I'm faking my own pregnancy with no belly, feeling movement, or symptoms. But then I hear that sweet, sweet heartbeat, and I'm satisfied that everything is going okay.  And then hours later, I have no clue.

I had a 16 week appointment, another ultrasound, and a quad screen drawn. We entered the age of my egg donor and alerted the lab this was a baby conceived from egg donation.  I really had almost talked myself out of even having it done, but things change.  My confidence has been rocked in the last couple of weeks. Not because of anything happening to me, so much, but I have a sister in infertility who showed up for her anatomy scan expecting to see her beautiful baby boy and to finally see her baby's face only to hear the words "multiple anomalies" thrown at her.  I just can't...I can't even imagine the horror she is being put through.  It's a horrible, awful experience to go through infertility and miscarriage, but to have to deal with possible serious birth defects after finally getting your miracle...it just seems all too cruel.  She, however, is a pillar of strength, and I hope she knows how much I admire her.  So if you have a spare moment of prayer, I'm sure she, her husband and her beautiful baby would appreciate it.

If you'd like to follow her story, her blog can be found here.

So pretty much, you go along feeling like everything is wonderful, but there is always that negative whisper saying "the shoe is about to drop at any time..."  So it's one thing to talk about genetic screening and a whole other thing to actually hold your arm out, feeling in even less control because this really isn't your genetics. I've pretty much felt sick all day. I should get my results next week, but I'm not sure I even want to know.

On the other side, my appointment went great.  Pico had an "excellent" heart rate. I'm pretty confident it was in the 140s, but they don't tell me these things, anymore.  I'm having to learn to be a "patient"...not an antepartum nurse, or a psycho infertility patient....*SIGH*

Dr. Bullen's medical assistant asked me when I was going to show, and I'm like 'you tell me!'  Dr. Bullen offers a gender scan to you at 16 weeks and then has the sonographer do some measurements on the baby's heart as well.  So we elected to skip the gender reveal.  We've had so little "good" surprises along this journey that BJ and I agree that this is something we can enjoy finding out the old school way when our doctor hands us our miracle.  So we saw a little more of Pico's face and he/she waved several times.  There were still only 5 fingers on that hand Pico showed us several times.  Pico cooperated a little bit better, but our sonographer was only able to check 3 out of 4 (I believe) views/checks of his/her heart.  All 3 were normal.  Pico got a little crazy at the end with the squirms.  Our sonographer reassured us she would check them again at our anatomy scan.  Which, by the way is not for 5 weeks.  I said f-i-v-e weeks...I'm seriously counting down the hours...I'm pretty sure I'm not going to make it that long without having a mental breakdown.  I mean, let's be completely honest, I am, at the bottom of it all, a super-intense, 5-year infertility veteran, miscarriage survivor who is finally pregnant...first you take away my drugs, then my weekly appointments,...we don't do "5 weeks".  So anyway...I go back in 5 weeks...

I can't say the last week and half or so has been fun and giggles.  I've had a couple of infections including a GI bug that wiped me out over the weekend, and when I finally started feeling better, I sat down to email my mother and couldn't stand back up because of hip pain.  I am guessing it's sciatica, only because my foot goes numb when I drive.  But it feels like I've pulled the majority of the muscles that surround my hip.  I've had sciatic nerve stuff off and on since my last few years doing gymnastics, so I have no clue if it's even pregnancy-related, but it's never been this all-consuming.  I can't stretch it out, work it out, ice or heat it away, so it's almost more frustrating than it is painful. However, I'll take this any day, all day so long as my "normal-hearted" Pico stays healthy.

So at 16.1 weeks I am...

feeling hip pain, cramping more frequently and increased anxiety.
down -15 lbs on my scale still -13 on my doctor's scale, but considering I couldn't eat for over 48 hours a few days ago, I'm doing ok.
craving...nothing in particular, I'm happy with just eating, thanks!
averse to GI bugs...very, very averse...
in love with sleep...Sleep is being mean to me again...3:30-4:00 seems to be my witching hour and I'm up and at 'em and exhausted by 11:00 am. Such is life, and I have so very much to be thankful for!

Peace, Love, and Normal-hearted,

Mary Katherine

Graduated...Like it's normal or something...

As someone who works in women's health, Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility patients don't have the best reputation when it comes to mental stability.  While this is earnestly earned because you're an outlier in the population if you need help becoming pregnant. People assume you are crazy until you are proven right, and then you're just allowed to be crazy because you are right.  As both an insider and patient, I feel I can support this theory as I am crazy.

So last Thursday, I had my blood drawn by Dr. Donesky and was given a sweet statuette.  He told me again to stop by when I had a "good belly".  I said I would see him next week...lol.  My bloodwork came back where it was supposed to be, so I've not been invited back :( .  I've managed to stay away so far, but I knew I had an appointment where I would at least get to officially hear the heartbeat in less than a week. Next week may prove more difficult...

I had my 2nd prenatal appointment with Dr. Bullen today.  I had no clue what to expect, except maybe they would use the doppler to hear the heartbeat.  So when the ultrasound tech came out and said, "Mary" I looked to see who also had my first name...Nobody did!  It was like my name got called on the Price is Right!!!  I got another ultrasound!!!!

So as I got ready, I realized I was husbandless and pretty confident Pico was dead.  Tears started forming in my eyes.  Refer back to first paragraph.  Am I cramping? No... Am I bleeding? No...On the other hand, am I showing? No,..Do I have any symptoms...No...so clearly, baby must be dead because zero symptoms means missed miscarriage...because I read that somewhere, on something that I'm sure is the scientific equivalent of my baby's size being compared to a peach, lemon, fist, or nectarine this week.  So with my eyes squinted  and breath held I waited for something to show up on the screen. Lo and behold, squirmy little Pico was doing his or her squirm thing.  The heart rate was 142, and Pico measured at 14.1 weeks.  I thought I was getting pretty good at interpreting ultrasound photos, but Pico has once again earned the nick name.  I saw an arm the opposite hand, a torso, and the back of his head...

Basically this, but from the back...photo from therubberboy.com

But I was too captivated by the little heartbeat to really pay much attention to the 3D happenings.  I was completely focused on that little flicker.  I mean, it's been a solid 11 days since I've seen it.  I am thrilled.

I met with Dr. Bullen which he looked over the ultrasound and said everything looked great. He then asked me if I had any questions, and I couldn't think of anything except 'when can I come back?' because I was all like "my baby is alive!" I did ask if he would order a progesterone level. He asked me if I really needed it, and I told him he could say no, 'but yes I need it.' He said, "No. [Stands up and walks away from computer.] We don't even know what it's supposed to be at this point, anyway." I'm sure I looked like I'd been hit by a brick, but he shook my hand and escorted me to the lab.  BJ really likes Dr. Bullen.  I do, too, in that he won't put up with my crazy. So that was that, and a few milliliters of blood later l was out the door. I'll find out if my vaccines have managed to work and my HIV status for like the 3rd time in a year (they're routine labs for us "crazy" REI patients, too).   Oh, I passed my drug test...I've become so jaded, apparently I find my own results thrilling.  NEGATIVE, YEAH!!!

Anyway, at 14.1 weeks, I am

Down another 2 lbs for a net gain of -13...Any other time of my life, and I would have gained 35 lbs by yesterday, lol
Feeling perfectly normal.  I mean I have migraines from all these weather fronts coming in, and I have an abscessed tooth again...so for me...normal...only I'm pregnant, so I can't do anything but takeTylenol and antibiotics, which are little to no use for a migraine.
Craving...NOTHING...I'm going to start making stuff up for BJ to get...
Averse to...I'm not sure I'll ever eat Progresso soup again n my life.
In Love With...paddleboarding with the pup-pup.  She's been my partner in crime the last couple of weeks, and I can't stand leaving her for work.  Perhaps she can be the floor's part-time therapy dog...Emma Grace, I lub-a-dub you!!!

Peace, Love, and Just Say 'No' to Crazy...apparently,
Mary Katherine