I believe in miracles. I have to.

"We must try not to sink beneath our anguish...but battle on." JK Rowling

Well, that did not go as planned at all...

I went in for my transfer this morning.  First they took a progesterone level and then took me back to the same prep room they use for the egg retrieval.  No drugs or IV's involved, all I needed was a full bladder (UGH).  It was the normal drill of "disrobe from the waist down and someone will be with you shortly."  This time the someone was supposed to be the embryologist.

A few minutes later, the embryologist, the nurse, and Dr. D came back to the prep/recovery area.  RED FLAG! Susan, the embryologist, told us that our babies were progressing slowly.  There was also some fragmentation.  Out of the 13 embryos remaining the two best looked like they were 4 day morulas instead of 5 day blastocysts.  She did not think any of the 11 remaining would make it to freeze, but she was going to give them an extra day change their fluids and do as much as she could for them.

This is a Day 4 Morula. (image from ivf.net)

These are my precious babies on day 5.  We could really use a miracle, right now. On the right one at about 2 o'clock you can see where Susan performed assisted hatching on the outer layer to help them that much more.  

A Day 5 blastocyst which is where my babies were expected to be. (image from ivf.net)

I tried to be brave and hold it together, but it is really disheartening.  They hugged me and told me not to lose hope, and I haven't, but it still feels like I've been shot through the heart.  I could be losing all 17 of my babies. That is just dreadful to think about.  It is such a strange place to be.  I never expected this and certainly was not prepared for this blow.  Embryo quality did not seem like it was going to be an issue for us.  Our issues were sperm morphology and low hormone levels in myself. Nobody warned us that this could be a real possibility.

It's so bizarre to be in this situation of hope through despair.  I've got to be the best possible mom-to-be to my premature wee ones, but also balance the reality that their odds are diminished.  It's really hard.  I want to scream and cry and have a fit, but I can't.  I want to be elated that I have two of the most beautiful living beings right where they need to be, but I can't.  

Dr. D told us, "It's not what we want to see, but we've seen uglier embryos go on to create some cute babies." I guess he's implying that my embryos are ugly.  I asked him if he'd transferred lower quality embryos and he told me he's done some where he thought the transfer was a complete waste of time and they ended up with twins.  He said not to lose hope.  I haven't, but I'm certainly not in the state of mind that I was hoping to be in for the next 9 days.  Susan also told me that I was a much better incubator than they could recreate in the lab.  So here's hoping.

We signed yet another consent to have both of those transferred and had to be told that the chance of miscarriage, stillborn, and maternal death all increase for multiple pregnancies.  That will just have to be Dr. B's problem if I'm so fortunate.  With a blanket wrapped around my waste and BJ at my side, I followed Dr. D, Susan and the nurse to the operating room.  The procedure was not bad at all.  I barely felt anything but pressure from having a full bladder.  I could see on the ultrasound screen where my two babies were deposited. My progesterone level was great and you could see I had a nice cushy lining for them to snuggle in to if they can hang on for a bit. Hopefully they'll stick around for a while. 

The worst part of the procedure is not being able to pee.  They want you to remain reclining for 20 more minutes.  They rolled me back in to the recovery area on the stretcher and closed the curtain.  That is when BJ and I both broke down for the first time at the same time since this whole process of trying to conceive began. It was an awful 5 minutes, but we realize as potential first time parents, we have a job to do.  I have to take care of the babies I have now and a blubbering jag is not going to help.  

The time creeped by but, eventually, they let me pee.  I got dressed, and BJ drove us home.  I don't think BJ or I said three words to each other in the car.  All you could feel, however, is the strength we have as a couple.  I love BJ so much.  I know we will survive this come what may, I just wish I could give him the family he wants.  

If this cycle doesn't work, Dr. D told us that this did not mean we'd have to use donor eggs or sperm.  If we do have to do another cycle, then, we have every reason to expect things to go well.  He said he would tweak a few things to help ensure my embryos were better quality.  I have no clue what that will involve, but I'm sure it's just more or less medication.

In the meantime we hold vigil for the two babies I've got and their 11 siblings.  Pray that they continue to grow and develop so that some make it to freeze.  I'll take any help anyone has to offer on the prayer side of things.  We've come a long way, but it still feels like we have a bare cliff-face to climb.

Dedicated to my only children.  Mommy and Daddy love you so much!

MK