Picking up the Pieces

"We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope."~Martin Luther King, Jr.

Yesterday was hard, and today isn't exactly easy, but it's progress.  The hole in my chest is definitely still there.  The little reminders such as my med calendar, a prescription bottle, a wandering consent form still bring tears to my eyes.  I didn't go to work today.  I can't face my job, yet.  Yesterday the only thing I could do was breathe, so I didn't think I was ready to be counseling others.

I'm still suffering.  I locked the door to the woulda/shoulda/coulda been nursery.  I know what it looks like. I know what I want it to look like.  I don't need to go in there to be reminded of my failures.  When I am ready to work on it, I'll unlock it, but for now it's time to lock it down and move past. I just gotta let go a little bit.

I wonder when I'm going to be okay, again?  I'm not asking for great; okay will suffice. I wonder when my body will decide to expel my dead babies.  I wonder if "ass-hole" couple conceived. I wonder when we'll be able to try again.  I wonder when I'll be able to go out again.  I wonder when I'll be able to answer, 'How are you doing?' without breaking down.  I wonder when my husband and I will be content again. I wonder how many people think I'm absolutely crazy for not giving up.  I wonder why I still care about what people think.

Today, I've scoured the internet for a success story that matches my own. I cried when I thought there would be yet another family vacation without a baby.  Not just a baby, my baby.  My dream of having a child before I was 30 is officially gone *POOF*.  I laugh that just 16 months ago, I thought I was buying the last box of tampons I would need for a really long time. I bought the single pregnancy test, because I was sure that is all I would ever need.  I want to go back in time and shake that young woman.  I want to warn her.  I want her to not want so badly...I kinda want to kill her, but I guess she's already dead.

Then, I realized I needed to stop.

So here it is.

God,
I ask for the strength to endure your plan for me.
I ask for help accepting my future be what it may.
I ask for mercy.
I ask for forgiveness for being so conceited as to think I had any control.
I'm done with self-imposed deadlines and ultimatums.
I'm ready to hand over the controls.
In Jesus' name, Amen.

I really mean it this time.  I'm just gonna coast for a bit.  I'm gonna accept my family for what it is.  My husband, my parents, my brother, my siblings-in-law, my niece, my cousins, my aunts and uncles, my goofy cats Lucifer and Gaius, our beautiful puppy Emma Grace, and, of course, our friends.

But that doesn't mean I'm not gonna fight the battle.  BJ, myself and our little angel army are gonna keep our appointment with Dr. D in week.  We're going to let him do the research this time and he's planning on doing plenty.  I'm gonna let him do the worrying for me for a while.  I'm going to concentrate on being as healthy as I can. No alcohol, no caffeine (not even a chocolate chip), no artificial sweeteners.  Lots of water, protein, dairy and royal jelly.  Royal jelly is nasty, but it helps the queen bee lay thousands upon thousands of eggs and live up to 6 years while the rest of the worker bees live only 2 months.  It's thought to help egg and embryo quality in humans, so I'm gonna suck it up and swallow 2 dreadful teaspoonfuls a day.  It's not an herb, so according to Dr. D it falls in the "can't hurt, might help" category. I can exercise again.  I can catch up on chores. I need to go shopping to find something nice to put my precious babies' pictures in.

And so for the next week or so, that is all I can do, so that is what I'm gonna do.

Peace, love, and enduring hope,

Mary Katherine