It Just Got Real

If you haven't read the previous post, I'd recommend reading that before continuing.

I'm known for being an emotional man. I cried at my wedding rehearsal, much to the horror of my wife and mother-in-law and the surprise of the gathered family and friends. I cried at the final episode of Lost. I cried watching Marley and Me (but honestly, who didn't??).

But only once, before today, have I cried since this whole journey began. I forget what the context was (after one of the failed IUIs, I think), but MK was really upset and I might have allowed myself a tear or so in front of her. I waited until I was alone that I let the rest out. I never wanted to cry in front of her. I needed to be strong for her.

Today, it got real. This might not work. When they told us that none of the embryos may be frozen, it hit me. We weren't expecting this. Not at all. All of them? Why? How? It was a wave of emotion when I saw the disappointment in MK's face.

I held it in through the procedure. I saw the picture of the two proto-babies they were inserting and said a silent prayer.

It was when we got to the recovery room and we were left alone is when I looked down at MK and couldn't hold it any more.

I always said that I wouldn't be upset until we were out of options and the Doc would finally say "That's it. We're done." It's when we were done with all the natural/science options is when I would be upset. Until then, there's options. There's hope.

Now, knowing that there's a chance that those embryos might not make it to freezing, it got real. I am hurting for those dozen or so almost-babies. I'm hurting for MK. She's been a real trooper through all this.

So just the two of us. We cried together for the first time. After a minute or two, I realized that there's still hope. There's two bundle of cells that might become the next little baby (or babies) Roberts. As long as there's hope...

Introducing me, the control freak...

I'm a bit of a control freak. I had to know when I was going to be proposed to. I wanted to get married in June...we booked the reception site before BJ had proposed! In MK's world where everything is perfect and there is a lot more pink, the master plan had been to be married for two years and then conceive a child in June, tell everyone I was pregnant in October, give birth in April, take the rest of the school year off, and have the summer with my precious little boy. Four years later, my little girl would be born and the Roberts family complete.

Sounds a bit over the top, right? Well, my mom conceived both her children the first month she tried. My mother-in-law conceived both her children the first month she tried. My brother-in-law has a beautiful little girl. My cousins all have children. As far as we know, there is no family history of infertility. Well, if you think about that, duh! How could you have a family? Fertility treatments have come a long way since even 15 years ago. My RE told me that the clinic he was doing his fellowship with had a 19% success rate with IVF in 94. They were really proud of this! That would be considered horrendous by today's standards where they expect over a 50% success rate with women under the age of 32.

Anyway, I had no reason to think that I would have any trouble conceiving. With that in my head I started researching the whole pregnancy thing in February 2010. I read What to Expect and You:Having a Baby cover to cover before we officially started trying. I had to know every detail of everything that could possibly happen. I started pre-natal vitamins in March 2010. I quit drinking caffeine or ingesting anything with artificial sweeteners in May. I wouldn't eat foods heated in plastic. From June 2010 to June 2011 I maybe had 5 servings of alcohol. This baby was going to be exposed to no toxins! June came and I had my yearly scheduled with my gyno. He gave me a plan based on the number of days of my cycle for the best days for BJ and I to get busy. How could we fail? We had a plan! BJ and I were ready to go. This was going to be a piece of cake. Well the Powers that be had an alternate plan...

So, anyway you can imagine the disappointment when it didn't work out. We followed "the plan" religiously. Every other day on the days we were advised, and we still failed. Which is how I took it. It was a personal failure on my part. BJ was not worried, in fact I'm sure BJ was just fine with having to try again and again...

Well enough about my neurosis...

Until we meet again,
MK