4 Weeks 2 Days

That's how far along I am and it's the furthest along I've been by miles.  BUT, it's not very much at all. Certainly, it's not enough.  It's still pretty devastating.  All this waiting around for bad news is pretty exhausting, actually.

Besides single-handedly ruining Thanksgiving at multiple house-holds this year, I've pretty much done nothing.  The more I move, the more I cramp, so I just don't move.  The cramps are getting pretty painful and low which can't be a good sign.  Add to that my still huge and super-achy boobs, headaches, a sour stomach, chest pain and dizziness, and it's just a regular parade I'm having. 

I pretty much feel like I've hit the wall.  I'm done.  Maybe I'll feel differently after talking to someone next week, but I'd almost rather just be told there's nothing else they can do for us. Then I don't have to wonder 'what if?'.  I could sign up for option number 3 "Have a hysterectomy" and be done with it.  Yes, I'm feeling that bad right now.  I wish I could just crawl in a hole somewhere...

Maybe becoming a heroin addict is in my future...I'm getting pretty good at the whole needle thing.  Plus, they seem to have babies pretty easily.  Did you know that heroin-addicted babies that survive tend to have higher IQ's than the general population?  How's that for fair?

As much as it kills me to take a break, because you always wonder 'would this have been our month?' I think that is what's in order.  It breaks my heart.  This whole process breaks my heart.  I keep wondering what lesson I'm supposed to be learning from all of this...patience, suffering, humility, fortitude?  Did I do something wrong to deserve this?  Am I that terrible of a human being to not get a chance to spawn?  Am I that horrible looking? (I guess my already shotty body image took this last blow kinda hard, too.)  I certainly don't want to become one of those crazy ladies that goes through 10 IVF cycles back-to-back, but if I had the means, I'm sure I would.  So, I need to hit the brakes, now.

Having children did not seem like it was a lot to ask a year and a half ago...

MK

Thanksgiving

This has honestly been the hardest 18 months (WOW, 18 months, now!?...) of my life, but I do have things to be thankful for.

1. My rock, partner, and number one fan (and I am his), my husband, BJ.  I love you, BJ, and I would never have gotten this far without you! Thank you for choosing me!
2. My family which has been such an amazing support.  Never doubting, never questioning and always just asking, "What can we do?"
3. Friends that have texted, called, commented just to say they were thinking about us.  I cannot emphasize to you enough how much that helps us, especially me.  I've cherished every single one.
4. Emma Grace our awful, terrible, no good, but completely lovable golden retriever puppy.  She is everything I could ever ask for in a companion.  She snuggles, she kisses, she doesn't chew on us as much anymore and she loves us to the point of pain.  It's amazing.
5. Fuzzy socks for giving me some sense of security during all these compromising procedures.  They're awesome for bed rest days, too.
6. Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup...My comfort food and easy on tummies that are upset due to emotional trauma, hormonal surges and what have you.
7.  Leggings which are great for wearing when your tummy is sore and bloated from stimulation medication.  Please stay in style at least until after I have a baby!!!
8.  Parlodel - the medicine that at least gave us a fighting chance.
9.  The Fertility Center - for being the most amazing medical practitioners I've ever met.  The caring, compassion, empathy and hope you've shown me is above and beyond any I've experienced in a medical practice.
10.  Hope, it's always there as long as I have breath.  I am thankful that I have hope.

So, it's with this post that I tell you our news...

Until today, I thought that nothing could be worse than a negative pregnancy test.  It turns out there is.  I am pregnant, but my numbers are miserably low, and I should expect to miscarry at any time.  Right now, though, there is a baby inside me that has implanted.  I'm supposed to be happy that I know I can conceive, but it's sure a bitter pill to swallow.

There are three possibilities.  One, I am pregnant with a miracle of modern medicine, and that I make it until Monday and my HCG levels have sky-rocketed.  Back in reality-world the best case scenario is this is an ectopic pregnancy which means it implanted somewhere outside of my uterus, usually in a Fallopian tube.  If this is the case, it means that we had a healthy embryo that just wound up in the wrong place.  All I have to hope for is that I don't bleed to death if it ruptures. Not likely to occur since we are monitoring it so early and it takes weeks for the embryo to become big enough to do damage.  (Still, helluva best-case scenario, huh?)  Or, and most likely, I'm having what they call a chemical pregnancy.  Due to whatever factor, be it my body rejecting the embryo, or a congenital abnormality, it's a doomed pregnancy.

What is this doomed beta level you ask?  Well, anything over 5 is considered positive, but they are wanting to see it over 50 at this point in my...well, it is what it is...pregnancy. Mine is:
...
...
...
...
8.67
That is eight point six seven.  Not eight hundred and sixty-seven.  It is abysmal.  It is nature playing a cruel joke.  It's beyond unfair.

It's rather uninspiring to think that there is something genetically wrong with this embryo considering it's the best we've ever had.  It's frustrating beyond all get-out to know I won't know anymore until after Monday.  I don't know when I'll be able to discuss anything with Dr. Donesky due to the holiday. So basically I'm just waiting for my baby to die.  I hope that sounds as awful as it feels.  It hurts like Hell.  The only thing I can say this time, is that at least I can honestly and legitimately say I have had a miscarriage.  This is a lot easier for other people to sympathize with.  I was told by someone that I should not be upset about my failed cycle because, "It wasn't like I'd lost anything." Clearly the money, time, hope, angst, and 17 embryos that started out the same way you and I did, don't count for anything. Sigh...

As one IVF expert says, chemical pregnancies are the dark cloud with a silver lining.  I'll be the first to admit that I've always said, 'At least I would know it could happen.'  Well, check, that's out of the way.  I can officially say I've been pregnant.  It's the best result we've gotten so far.  Not near as comforting as I thought it would be.

There was a fleeting moment this morning when I was over the moon.  I thought I was going to be somebody's mama.  I thought that I had a viable little one that I would be holding in my arms in August.  I AM thankful that I had a taste of it.  I'm going to need that feeling to get me through the next while, I guess.

So despite my tragedy, I'm planning on being thankful for what I do have. I still have options.  I'm thankful that my friends don't have to suffer through this Hell. I'm thankful that Dr. Donesky will be there for me next week to come up with a plan.  I'm thankful for my parents who'll let me come home and cry without telling me  to, "move on." In spite of it all, I'm thankful for the baby I have inside me now.  Thanks for giving me a chance. I'll love you forever.

Peace, Love and Thanks to my little one,

Mary Katherine

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life.  It turns what we have into enough, and more.  It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity.  It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.  Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow."

~Melody Beattie

The Hardest Part

I would gladly take shots everyday (actually I am doing that...) wait by the phone for daily embryo reports, get a root canal, fill out Student Support Team paperwork, anything but this part.  The wait for the truth is absolutely the worst part.  I spent most of yesterday crying as I was sure I'm not pregnant. I don't know why, I'm as symptomatic as I was, although my ears have stopped hurting.  I'm still not right in the digestive system situation.  I'm just not right, but I don't feel pregnant either.

All this progesterone messes with me.  It makes me cramp, it makes my boobs feel like burning bowling balls.  I have to catch myself so I don't walk around holding my boobs in the hallway at work.  I could take a pregnancy test, but I'm scared.  Petrified actually.  Whoever thought a $6.99 piece of plastic that you pee on would be so terrifying.  I think I may dress up as a negative pregnancy test for Halloween next year.  I spent three months peeing on those damn things and coming up empty and heartbroken.  They intimidate the hell out of me.

If it comes out negative, I know I'll be ok...
...
...
...
eventually.

In some ways, it's more devastating than last time.  We had a strong blast and took a different cocktail of meds.  It seems like a bigger failure than last time because we had a strong chance this time.  Last time was devastating because we had no clue that all this embryo development stuff was a problem for us.  Chances were already against those slow-developing embryos.  I'm over the shock of having embryo issues...as much as we can be, anyway.  I've read stories, blogs and articles about people with similar issues, and they all got pregnant when they had a blast.  So, please, tell me how can I not be devastated?

If it's positive...That will just be one more hurdle...the beta numbers have to double in about 2 days.  We have to have a pregnancy in the right place, the baby has to develop a beating heart.  The heart has to keep beating from one week to the next. It's not exactly a cake-walk, jump-for-joy moment, but certainly a much better step on the right track.

I wish they could put me in a medically induced coma until it was over.  I want to enjoy next couple of days being "more pregnant than I was last week."  I'm still not good at giving up the reigns.  I know I did everything I could, but up until this point in my life, doing everything I could has never, ever been not good enough.  This whole lack of control thing is a super scary place for me to be. 

And that's just me.  I have an amazing husband who's going through all of this, too.  OK, so maybe not the breast pain, but I do know it kills him to see me so upset.  He'd do anything (and has done) to make this better.  I feel so guilty about being sad because it's so hard on him.  I feel like I'm dragging him through Hell.  BJ is truly one of the toughest men, I've ever met.  I'm so very lucky and blessed to have him by my side. I'm so afraid of the day when we have to look each other in the eye and say, "enough." And 2 IVF cycles in feels like a whole lot closer to that point...

For now, I have to continue to keep my chin up, pray and hope!  It's still the only thing I can do at this point...

Peace, Love, and Hoping so hard,
MK

Freedom!

I'm officially free off of bed rest, but I've been advised to keep taking it easy, so I'm back on the couch, enjoying my spic-and-span house courtesy of the best mother-in-law I've ever had, with my husband.  Thank you, Gail!

I'm still trying to not drive myself crazy with operation symptom watch, but what's a desperate-for-pregnancy girl gonna do?  If achy ears are a pregnancy symptom, then I'm there.  My left ear has been hurting for a couple of days.  I'm not totally indigestive (I totally made that word up...) nor am I queasy, but I feel like I'm on the slow train to that land.  This of course is probably due to my sky-high progesterone levels.  My boobs ache occasionally.  My back hurts like crazy which is totally from lying around and doing nothing.

Sum it all up and it looks like I'm just gonna have to do what everyone else does. Keep on hoping, praying and wait it out...sigh...

Peace, Love, and Hoping and Praying!
MK

The Transfer

Yesterday I told you I got the call from my embryologist in the morning.  I was expecting an email, so my heart dropped, and I did that auto-pilot thing you do when you are expecting devastating news.  Fortunately, the first thing she said was "I'm calling with good news."  My heart resumed beating and she told me that all three of the morulas had made it to the early blast stage.  She expected them to be further along when we got there for our retrieval.  Apparently, the rest of the day, because I was the only transfer that day, she ran around telling everyone employed by the Fertility Center, LLC in Chattanooga that I had made blasts and showed them their picture.  It's part of the reason I love this place.  They are all so amazing and supportive.

BJ and I got to Chat-town a little early and decided to go Christmas shopping at the big mall that is not near as impressive as it was when I was 9.  What can I say?  Once you go KOP (King of Prussia) you don't go back.  As I said, we were Christmas shopping so, of course, we only bought clothes for ourselves.  I got a cute skirt and top in a size smaller than normal.  I believe in Murphy's Law and hope that I cannot wear it for a really long time...well, after a couple of weeks anyway...

It was time to go to the clinic and I was called back for an hour-long massage.  It's included in the IVF package.  So yeah I paid a lot of money for a wonderful massage with a hopefully happy ending.  At least that is the joke BJ and I've been telling each other...hehe...  Then they sent me back to the waiting room. Then they sent me to the lab for my progesterone levels to be checked.  (It's over 40 which is perfect!) Then they sent me back to the waiting room.  What was only like 5 minutes felt like an hour, but finally Susan comes to the door SMILING!  Yes, Susan, was smiling.  Last time, I don't even remember who called me back and then we had the parade of the team doing their death march to tell me, "Umm, your embryos aren't so good."

One of my embryos had become a genuine grade-able blastocyst.  It wasn't a perfect score, but it's in the category of 3AA- which is a high enough grade to consider a single embryo transfer. The three refers to the amount of the blastocyst's expansion, and it just had not had time to take on much fluid.  The first A means that the baby parts were perfect. The second A- refers to the trophectoderm, the part that becomes the placenta.  It wasn't a B, but they were lined up a little loosely.  Susan once again performed assisted hatching on them, and was thrilled to see that it was already starting to hatch itself out the hole she had made. Otherwise it may have been a 4...The other two had made progress, just not quite so much but one was still looking pretty good, so we went ahead and transferred the better of the two still early blasts.  7 other embryos including the early blast were alive and kicking. Two more had become early morulas which is what we had last time.

This is our embryo B in the morning.  It's an "OK"early blast. Its a couple hours behind  embryo A.

This is a Brilliant early blast that is also BJ's and mine. It should look like a rice cake...not bad, huh?

This is Embie B, again 3.5 hours later.  Isn't it neat how fast they grow?  It's still too early to grade but he's making progress and doing fine.

This is Embie A 3.5 hours later and she's a beautiful specimen of a blastocyst.  The outer cells (which are a little bit loose for a A, but an A- nevertheless) will become the placenta.  The cavity part that looks like crinkled paper is going to be the amniotic sack and the little ginger-bread-man looking thing in the low middle is Baby Roberts.  Best moment so far!!!! You can see at the top she's already trying to hatch out which is what you want because that's how they implant in my uterus.

****I do not actually know the sex of these embryos...this is just my silly, sexist conjecture.****  

Dr. Donesky came in with a big smile on his face which has been an unfortunately rare appearance once he starts talking about technical things.  He said this is what we expect.  "We just need one good one and still expect to see some lower quality ones. One is all it takes."  So instead of  bawling crying going into this transfer, I was happy/excited.  So happy and excited that I forgot to ask for water to drink to fill my bladder...OOPS!  I took a quick swig of what I had which wasn't much and tromped down the hall in my shirt, socks, and sheet with BJ in tow.  It all worked out ok as far as my bladder, but one of my ovaries which is still ginormous decided to be a camera hog. (Makes me feel better about aforementioned skirt purchase.)

So, it's a good thing my bladder wasn't full because they had to mash down pretty hard.  I'm pretty sure Dr. D would be very unhappy if I'd had a completely full bladder. For whatever reason the whole transfer process was more difficult this time, but Dr. D finally was happy with everything and the embies were transferred.  The key word is transferred. No one can force an embryo to implant and grow up to make a fetus. I think people sometimes assume that with IVF if you put two in you get two out, or whatever.  But this is a clear case that science can only do so much.  No doctor in the world can make you pregnant, or else I'd have the next available appointment.  After the transfer I had a much easier 30 minute wait before I got up because my bladder was not near as full.  (Remember, ladies, if you ever have to go through an un-pregnant uterine ultrasound, I am living proof that you can cheat it a little bit and be a lot more comfortable.)

So now I've got until Friday around 4pm to be lazy and get up only when absolutely necessary.  As in bathroom trips and eating.  It's a rough few days of trying to not drive myself crazy. Every twinge, and after seeing my ovary I understand why, makes me wonder 'is it happening?'  'Are these implantation cramps?' I keep reminding myself that I'm not an insane person, and that it's not normal to have symptoms this early.  Although I am still on a million hormone supplements, and my ovaries are still acting weird so even if I did, it could simply be residual effects from the stimulation.

It's not all wonderful news, unfortunately.  Susan called me later this afternoon to tell me that none of the rest of my embies could be frozen.  The blast from yesterday did progress a little futher, but the quality wasn't there.  One of the early morulas made it to blast today for a total of 4.  So, no matter what happens, this cycle was 400% better than last.  It was definitely worth trying again.  Susan reiterated that she felt good about the embryos she chose for transfer. One of my online cycle buddies found out she was pregnant this week after having nothing left to freeze out of 23 embryos.  Basically, I've put all my eggs in my one basket. So now it's just praying, hoping, praying, hoping.  And once again, let me take the opportunity to thank everyone!  I would be nowhere without all the love and support I've gotten the past several months. I am forever grateful!

Peace, Love, Prayin' and Hopin'!

Mary Katherine

Day 4 Update

We have 3 morulas.

It's not the 5 or 6 of my dreams, but the 3 that we have today, on day 4 are further ahead than the 2 early morulas they transferred on day 5 last time.

Susan changed their fluids to try to pep the others up and keep the morulas going, and we'll get an email tomorrow morning on all of the embryos progression.

I'm thrilled to have morulas on day 4.  That is a huge improvement for us.  Now I just need to hold vigil for the embryos that are still going.  I pray they make it to the blastocyst stage tomorrow.  I'd love to have one for the freezer, but  I won't be greedy.  In the end, all I need is one.  Just one good one is all it takes.

I love you my little embies!  Mommy and Daddy will see you soon!

Peace, Love and Praying for at least 1,
Mary Katherine

Fertilization Update

I'm sorry I meant to post this yesterday, but I was too stoned on pain meds to muster up the energy to blog last night.  I'm pretty sore this time for whatever reason, but frankly, I could care less about that...

Susan, the embryologist, emailed me around 9:00am to let me know that out of the 16 mature eggs 14 fertilized normally.  So as of now we are only down three embryos from last time, but as Susan says, these are "better quality."  Today on day 2 they are left alone to do their thing. Hopefully, they are between 2-4 cells and holding up better.

Tomorrow is going to be the real test.  Day three is when my last cycle's embryos showed significant fragmentation and general not-so-goodness.  They would ideally be 8 cells with anything from 6-10 cells being acceptable.

Here is a picture of my embryo babies as of yesterday...

You can tell they are fertilized by the two indentations (pronuclei) towards the middle.   One of those pronuclei is all of my genetic material and the other is BJ's genetic material.  In this picture they are getting ready to get it on and make a baby, so look away.  The stuff around them is not fragmentation but leftover cumulus cells from the follicle and egg. You have to remember we are getting a 2D version of a 3D cell so it's hard to tell what is on top of the embryo vs. what is in the embryo. They may not look like much now, but they can become pretty damn cute in another 38 weeks or so.  I think they are beautiful, now...but clearly I'm biased.  Susan says they are, "Very nice."  I'm so proud!

Peace, Love, and Quality Growth,
Mary Katherine

Egg Retrieval Update

It was a rough morning...

BJ and I got up bright and early for the egg retrieval this morning.  I was the only patient in this wing of the facility this morning so it was nice to have 3 people to talk to.  My luck apparently ran out with first attempt needle sticks today and it took a few to start an IV...oh well.  Similarly to last time I walked back to the Operating Room.  They gave me less medicine this time just in case it affected my egg quality.  So...ouch.  It kinda feels like I sat on a spear, which in a way...I guess i kinda did.  

As I was waking up, they told me they got 18 eggs.  I was devastated and had a meltdown. Jan, my coordinator, Susan my recovery nurse, and Susan the embryologist were not upset in the least.  They stuck around and comforted me.  They kept reminding me we were going for quality not quantity.  I'm so stuck on it being a numbers game.  Jan kept saying that my stimulation went so much better this time.  Embryologist Susan told me she would update me in the afternoon about the number of mature eggs.  So, out of 18...16 were mature and she used ICSI (Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection) to fertilize the eggs.  I'll find out tomorrow how many actually fertilized.  

As a frame of reference, people go through IVF all the time with only 3-5 eggs and have successful outcomes. It's just difficult for me because it's hard to not play the numbers game in my situation when I previously had 24 eggs with no success.

Tonight I start my estrogen patches and PIO shots.  I learned that because my follicles are aspirated during the egg retrieval procedure, there is no corpus lutea left to supply estrogen and progesterone.  That is why I have to pretend I'm getting ready for male to female gender reassignment surgery with all my hormone treatments.  If/when I get released to an obstetrician, he/she will determine if my placenta is functioning well enough to back off on the hormone supplements.  

I'm holding vigil for my embryo babies.  For all intents and purposes I'm going to assume I have 16 embryos to work with.  I cannot wait to hear how they did tomorrow.  I'm really anxious to hear how they do by day 3 on Sunday.  This is when things started to go south for my embryo babies last time.

Well, I'm still feeling pretty rough, so I'm going to head to bed.  Please keep my embryo babies in mind tonight.  They can use every ounce of support they can get! Grow, babies, grow!

Peace, Love, and Quality over Quantity,

MK

Trigger-treat!

Ok so it's a little late for that title...but I liked it...

I hit the wall this morning.  I'm finally completely uncomfortable.  My nurse patted my belly and said, "Your poor belly, that looks miserable."  I'm done...I feel like my ovaries are about to explode.  I tried on three different pairs of pants this morning before giving up and moving on to a dress.  They would button but it's really uncomfortable for anything to squeeze my abdomen.

I've been an emotional train-wreck today.  I almost came over the table over something a co-worker said.  One of my co-workers was asking around for garlic and wolfsbane to keep me away today.  She loves me, though!  (Yes, Whitney, it was your mother :) ) Lots of people and everything is really pissing me off.  I blame my hormones, and maybe a little anxiety over having to wait 9 hours for a phone call to hear if it was time...

...And lo, it was!

I was instructed by my IVF coordinator, Jan, to inject 10,000 units of HCG into my ass.  So, I did.  It's a simple process...

You start with your basic everyday around the house syringe and 18 guage needle. Oh, and your bottle of HCG that you can order off any crazy diet website even though all the paperwork says it does nothing for weight loss...which if you ask most pregnant women, they'll probably tell you the HCG in their system had the opposite effect...but I digress...

You mix 1ml of the skinny vial into the fat vial...

You hand it to your husband for an inspection.  Actually this is BJ's first time holding a syringe.  I'm really proud of him.  He's very brave...

Insert needle while husband keeps his back turned and your puppy at bay and move on with your life for a whole 36 hours of needle-free bliss.  YAY!  It feels great to be at this point.  I'm going to swell even more as my follicles get to their final maturity level, which means another dress tomorrow, but it's totally worth it!

Tomorrow night BJ and I will head down for the big needle in Chattanooga Thursday morning.  I get to meet Dr. Bird, Donesky's partner, for the first time face to fa...Oh, hell, let's face it...face to beav... Talk about an awkward first date...at least I'll be ruphied...  I've only ever talked to the man while sobbing, so I hope this goes over better...on the bright side, it will be Donesky doing the transfer next Tuesday...

Jan, the coordinator, emphasized the importance of not wearing any perfume or scented lotion.  Eggs and embryos are extraordinarily sensitive to it and not in a good for them kind of way. So BJ and I will show up steam cleaned and Eau de Naturale.

We are that much closer to the moment of truth.  I cannot emphasize enough just how grateful I am to have another chance.  I'm confident in my medical team.  I'm excited to see/hear how my embryo-babies do this time.  I kind of feel like I have to kick my future children out of the nest when they are -38 weeks old. Hopefully, if things go well, they'll use this against me one day. It's hard thinking about them having to fend for themselves outside of my body their first few days.  Susan, my embryologist, will take good care of them, though.  I know she wants things to go better for us this time.

Peace, Love and Praying for Strong Em-babies,
MK

Ho-Hum

So more acupuncture, less fertility happenings...which is why I've not blogged so much because I hate to bore everyone.

Any-some-how, BJ and I are chugging along.  Good things are happening in some areas of our lives.  BJ is about to embark on a new adventure.  He has accepted a position at a small little university in town.  We are both ecstatic as this has been a 3 year job search.  Fortunately, (OK, extremely fortunately) BJ has been able to stay employed during this job search after an internship/possible career did not pan out back in November 2008.  Perhaps the tides are turning for us...

On the spawning front, the IVF coordinating nurse is patiently tapping her fingers waiting for me to call.  So yeah...I'm patiently waiting, too.  It's day 32 of this cycle and nothing seems to be happening.  I'm 99.9 sure a miracle conception did not occur, so I'm not rushing to pee on another $8.00 stick and be disappointed. It's not worth the $8.00.  I can't start shooting up for this cycle until after I start my period, so I'll continue to wait.

It's an improvement for me to not be panicking at this point.  The nurse telling me that this cycle is a go for us no matter the date it starts helps me not worry about that stuff too much.  And, they even have a December cycle if it doesn't, so it's not like I'll be waiting until January.  It's all good!

BJ and I, in the meantime, just keep trucking and taking our horse pills.  We are trying to eat more organically because they say that's good for his swimmers and my eggs.  Emma has even joined the cause...

Emma Grace has expensive taste as that is an  organic honeycrisp apple that she pilfered as I  was putting up groceries...Gotta love retrievers!

I guess that is all for now...

Peace, Love, and Apples,

MK

"Adopt the pace of nature:  her secret is patience."

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

What can you do?

"The greatest oak was once just a little nut who held its ground." ~Author Unknown

What do you do when you are barely 3 days past a 5 day embryo transfer and you wake up at 5am with pain and bleeding? You scream.  Fortunately for my neighbors, I'm still too hoarse to scream so not a sound came out of my mouth but a faint strain. Then I got it together and called the emergency line at my fertility clinic.  I woke up my RE's poor partner.  He asked me if I was using Endometrin. I said yes.  Well, that is what is causing it.  Apparently it can be really irritating to the cervix and cause the cervical cells to ooze blood.  LOVELY!  Then you feel really stupid and email your doctor's nurse and ask if there is anything you can do for the pain.  Most people can't feel their cervix, but not so with me.  Mine HURTS.

This morning my nurse emailed me back and said to switch to progesterone shots twice a day.  GLADLY!  This Endometrin stuff is not for the faint of heart.  It's a nasty little pessary that kinda looks like a yeast infection treatment and is extremely messy.  'Snot fun.  So yes, I'll gladly switch back to two-a-day progesterone in oil shots with a 1.5 inch needle and large bore, thank you very much.

So aside from having a near death experience this morning, I'm doing ok.  I'm getting over the cold or whatever it was that made me so hoarse for so long.  I'm starting to feel a little queasy especially when my stomach is empty with all the hormones I'm pumped up on.  It's that kind of nausea where you feel like you might throw up, but it's not worth the energy to go to the bathroom and lean over the toilet.  I seriously have enough hormones in my body right now to support a man through a pregnancy.  The Promtetrium makes me a little dizzy even while lying down. I'll be supine and feel like I'm on a boat. My boobs hurt if you look at them too hard.  I'm achy from not doing anything. This all sounds good, right?  Except that it's all just potentially side effects from the hormones...but just maybe!

Mentally, well it's still a toss up between hope and fear.  Really though, what is hope?  If you weren't afraid of anything, then you wouldn't need hope.  Hope and fear go hand in hand and I have tons of  both.  I'm scared for my little ones. I'm scared about my genetics.  I'm scared of my results on Tuesday.  People keep asking me if this is the longest week ever, and you'd think it would be.  It's not.  It's going way too fast.  I'm pregnant until proven otherwise and Tuesday is the day we find out if it is the otherwise.

Until then, I carry on being the best a little bit pregnant mommy I can be.  Tomorrow I have my blood drawn to check my progesterone levels, then I head back to the real world.  I'm glad to have something to do, but I know I'm going to cry every time someone asks how it went.  I can't help myself.

I think people misinterpret my tears with hopelessness.  No, it's just fear and disappointment.  I totally believe in my two little fighters.  I, however, haven't totally wrapped my mind about how my other little embryo babies did not make it.  Again, no one was expecting this, so how could BJ and I expect to understand why or not be concerned?  We are grateful that we had 2 to transfer and praying for their continued development. [You got this, babies!  Just keep going! I love you!]

I was doing a little research last night, and read where they compare infertility patients second to cancer patients in fighting for a cure. It made me realize that I'm not crazy for feeling like I'm in a fight for my life, because I am.  It may not be my literal life, fortunately, but it is the life that I wanted and expected.  It's a fight for my dreams. It's a fight for my children's lives that just aren't quite here yet.  Why else would I stab myself with needles, spend hours exposed in stirrups, endure painful procedures, and subject myself to the worst emotional pain I've ever had again and again?

Because I so very much love the children I don't have in my arms just yet. Because I believe in my dreams, in my husband, and in my doctors.  Not trying is dying, and I'm not ready to let my dreams die.

Peace, Love, and implanting embryos,
MK

I don't know why.

"Hope is the companion of power, and mother of success; for who so hopes strongly has within him the gift of miracles." ~ Samuel Smiles

I don't know why I have to go down this path.  I know God has a plan for me and obviously is confident I can handle it.  Again, it's not a matter of wishing this were easier, or that I was someone else.  I'm just me.  Perfectly imperfect and blessed to have the resources to give it all we can medically, scientifically, spiritually and otherwise.  I can either choose to not try, or continue doing everything I can do to make my family happen.  All I know is there is nothing I want more than to be miserably pregnant, waking up in the middle of the night to the sounds of hungry babies, and to be cleaning up poo and vomit.  I know if I wasn't meant to be somebody's mother, there is no way I could love two balls of cells as much as I do right now.

As predicted, none of the remaining eleven were able to be frozen.  It was hard news to take but I know they fought and tried because none of them had completely arrested, but they just couldn't quite make it to the blastocyst stage, and, therefore, were not able to be frozen. My poor embryo babies, mommy thought about you every moment and is so proud of you for doing the best  you could.  Things happen for a reason, and I take comfort knowing they were well taken care of.  Susan, the embryologist, gave them until 4:30 staying beyond her normal hours to give them every spare moment she could.  Love you, babies!

Susan called me late this afternoon and said she was very sorry.  She did say that I did have the two very best transferred and told me to remain confident that they are in the best possible place they could be.  They were good looking morulas even if they were a bit behind. I asked her what they looked like on day 3. She said all the remaining embryos were still looking good at that point.  She went on to say that we had options, still, but she did not want to go into them at this point because there was still a chance I could be pregnant.  The odds may be a little lower, but it is still possible.

I know she is right.  I've scoured the internet looking for decent research.  The conclusion is they don't know why this happens.  If we have to go another round (IF, I've got two precious ones on board and Mommy and Daddy are fighting hard so I know they are, too) it could all go wonderfully even without any changes.  I've found plenty of stories where 5 day morulas have become beautiful, perfectly healthy babies. Some have even become twins.   Someone recently even got pregnant from two embryos that were only at day 3 development on day 5.  If it can happen for them, there's no reason to think it can't happen for me.

Even though I got bad (ok, devastating) news, the fact that the 11 were still going today tells me that I'm sure the two that were implanted are still going strong because they are where they should be.  There is every reason in the world to have hope.  And BJ and I do.  We are very hopeful and feel if there are any two morulas that can become beautiful babies, then we got 'em.

Please keep praying for my two babies.

Peace, love, prayers and implantation,
Mary Katherine

~To my 15 wee ones~

"I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge - myth is more potent than history - dreams are more powerful than facts - hope always triumphs over experience - laughter is the cure for grief - love is stronger than death" ~Robert Fulghum

May God welcome you home.  You were strong and brave and so very much loved.

Always with you,
Mommy and Daddy