Saturday, January 21, 2012

I'm not dead yet...

Infertility is a thief.

It steals hope.  It steals plans.  It steals ideals.  It steals dreams.  It steals marriages.  It steals whatever you let it have, and, I, have let it steal too much.

Oh, so much has happened, and oh, so much has changed.

"They" say things happen for a reason.  "They" say God never gives you more than you handle.  "They" say that which does not kill you makes you stronger. 

I introduce the question:  Who the Hell is "They" and what the crap happened to them that "they" had to make such quotes up?  Seriously, I think I've had it pretty rough, but no one is quoting me yet, so I must be doing just fine.

BJ and I are on an indefinite break from infertility treatments.  Oh, we'll go there again, I am positive, but this Maybe-one-day-mama-to-be has to find herself.  No really, I for too long have tried to skip that part.  I am so guilty of doing what was convenient, what was easy, and what I thought other people wanted me to do, so much so that I lost who I was and what was important. 

As one of my besties likes to say, I've lost my Happy.  A piece of me that I let get too big was mortally wounded the day last March that I found out I would not be able to have children unassisted.  It died when the first IVF cycle did not pan out.  I tried using life support to go through the second cycle and came out much worse. 

I was sooooo bad.  Two weeks ago, I went to the grocery store for the first time since November.  From mid-November, I would come home from work and cry on the couch until my husband got home.  I did no housework. I did not cook. I barely ate or drank.  I lost 23lbs if you count the puffy water weight in 2 weeks after my test results.  I was in my office when the black curtain started falling, and I realized I had only had enough water to swallow pain pills and it had been over 48 hours since I had eaten anything. I won't go into details about the number of showers I did or didn't take...

I found BJ and I settled.  I always thought you can't have it all, and I may still be right, in the end, but I settled in too many other aspects of my life in pursuit of motherhood.  From the day after June 21st, 2008, my future happiness hinged on an innocent child.  It's like I thought life was a checklist and only a checklist.  Boyfriend-Check, Grad School-Check, Engagement-Check, Marriage-Check, Baby-???

Holy cow am I so lucky to have found an extraordinary man that has shouldered the burden of me.  I've been a terrible wife to BJ for the past year and half of crazy baby quest, and for the sake of all things sane, do not know why he still loves me, but he does. So this little lady is going to sit back and be a good wife.  BJ deserves more than I'll ever be able to give him, but he's so in love, and I am soooooo in love with him.

I am also extraordinarily lucky to be infertile.  OMG if I had brought a child into this craziness God only knows what permanent damage I could have done.  Life is everything but a checklist.  A child cannot be your sole reason for happiness.  A child should be a product of happiness between two loving individuals...(who are old enough to vote and pay for diapers...go me's OK).  Clearly, I don't have that happiness part under control just yet.

I'm working on it though.  It may not be as exciting as counting down to beta HCG tests, but it's my whole life, and it is all a part of this journey.  I want to be happy, and I want to have a baby that can grow up and be proud of me from at least the tender ages of 2-7, after which I realize my simple existence will probably embarass them, but hopefully around age 21 or so as I hand them an aspirin and beer after their first hangover at home, they'll start to realize that I wasn't so bad again. (I may or may not be speaking from personal experience...)

So to all my friends...THANK you for still speaking to me through all of this!  Hell, looking back, I'm not sure I would have been my own friend...actually I wasn't my own strike that point!  I am so very blessed to have so much support from my in-laws, my out-laws, my friends and everyone who reads this blog. You are truly amazing people and I'll never be able to thank you enough for the kindness and support you have shown me.

To BJ...I LOVE you more than anything in the world, and I promise to never put anyone or anything in front of us, again. Thank you for being the strong one, the brave one, and the patient one.  Those things are way harder than sticking a needle in yourself any day. Never forget how wonderful and brave you are. 

To Emma, Lucifer and Gaius...Mommy loves you so much and you can expect more walks, cuddles and kisses...Yes, kisses, Gaius! Your favorite. You deserve to have two happy parents!

To "They", keep your damn quotes and quit complaining...I'm better off, anyway...

Peace, Love and the Pursuit of Happiness,
Mary Katherine Roberts