Tuesday, October 27, 2015


Er-mah-gerd!!!  There is a baby dancing in my belly which is getting huge...of course I thought this at 20 weeks, and I'm sure I'll laugh at myself in 10 more weeks, too.  Just in the last 2 weeks I've grown out of all my "junior fit" scrub tops...I don't mind at all.

People aren't at all scared to ask me when my due date is.  Fortunately, I haven't been told I'm about to pop or any hostility like that, so that's nice.  I catch myself doing this waddle thing, if I'm too relaxed or tired. I'm also really starting to struggle if I lean back too far or lay down...seriously...the struggle is real...

I managed to make it two weeks without listening for heart tones.  It's easier when I can feel Pico move.  I do get a little worried when things seem quiet, but like any human, we have hectic days and lazy days, and so does Pico.  So one day ze will be dancing all day and night, and then the next I'm like, 'what happened?'.  Usually just as I settle, ze squirms. But they were 142 last night...Still love that sound!

I have been amazed at how easy it is to just love this child as my very own.  I hemmed and hawed at the thought of egg donation even more so than BJ ever did 3 years ago.  I wondered if I would bond with a baby from egg donation, I wondered if I'd feel maternal to a baby I knew "wasn't mine".  I wondered if I could love a baby that wasn't from my egg.  It seems ridiculous now.  I was scared to love Pico when I saw the picture of zym as a blastocyst, because I was scared ze would not stick around for long.  But from the moment BJ and I heard "you're pregnant" I couldn't imagine loving Pico any less.  I hope one day, Pico, you can understand how many people rooted for you, and love you, and how truly wanted you've always been.  You are our miracle, and we love you very, very much.

The only thing I think about as far as the egg donor thing is what Pico will look like.  From what little we've seen, Pico is as cute as a button, but it is odd thinking I have nothing to do with his or her appearance.  It will be exciting, although I doubt in the first few moments after birth I'll be into anything but enjoying having Pico on the outside.
Some things are worth the wait, and you, Pico, have been worth every second, every tear, every anxiety attack, ever fear, and every moment of heartache up until your conception.  And yes, that process may have gone differently for you, but it was out of so much love, and so special for us.  We would not change a thing!

So, at 25.6 weeks, I am...

0 lbs heavier than the day of my transfer...
Feeling pretty good overall.  Some achiness is creeping in, but it could be the colder weather just as much as pregnancy.  
Craving Panera...specifically French Onion Soup...I think...I mean, I've wanted it for a week now, but I haven't had any yet...and I've survived, so does that count?
Averse to people with colds...stay away from me...so far I'm doing well, in that department, but I've woken up with a sore throat and throbbing ears, but it goes away relatively quickly. 
In love with listening to music with Pico...who apparently likes Jason Mraz and the Beatles...Or really hates Jason Mraz and the Beatles...I'm not sure how to translate the kicking...

Peace, Love, and Miracles Any Way Can Get Them,

Mary Katherine

Tuesday, October 20, 2015


It seems poignant that Pico has reached viability during the same week we celebrate the beautiful little spirits of those babies who could not stay.  We've come such a long way.  Pico has come such a long way...

This is when we knew we had a chance...and trust me I compared you to every other blastocyst I could find on the internet, but to think this is what you looked like before our dear embryologist and Dr. Donesky gave you back to me, and now I feel your little feet kicking me in the belly...How can anyone not believe in miracles? So much has had to go just right for BJ and I to get where we are today, so how can I not be thankful?

We sorta-kinda got to see our baby's face.  My placenta and Pico's hands wouldn't let us see the whole thing, but what we did see was beautiful.  I'm not saying that your blastocyst picture isn't cute, Pico, it will always be precious to me.  However, your plump lips and cheeks make my heart melt. In three attemtps or so, we finally have a complete anatomy scan that is "normal"!  We saw a stomach bubble and that the face was intact.  We watched Pico stretch out his or her little legs.  We still have no idea what the sex is even though we never looked away...For the record, neither does our sonographer...

I also passed my 1 hour glucose tolerance test with flying colors. So BJ and I immediately went to Waffle House, as is our tradition from our weekly ultrasounds before we graduated and had a celebratory waffle...mine with extra syrup, dammit.

I'm actually starting to get excited to meet Pico not through an ultrasound screen, as if a birth is in our imminent future.  Perhaps this is me finally believing this is going to happen.  I've started to have Braxton-Hicks contractions, but not everyday.  I do have them when I strain to lift something heavy or pull an 84 lb golden doodle on a leash, which makes me think, huh...I may need to start accepting help when offered.  I did purchase a belly support band for work as I start to get a bigger belly.

I also had my first venture with swelling.  I sat all day Saturday while judging a gymnastics meet, and I did not even think about propping my feet up...but lo, by the time I got ready to go home, my Ugg boot was tight around my left shin.  My right foot was a little puffy but it didn't have anything on my left leg.  I wrapped an Ace bandage on my left leg, and it had completely resolved by the time I woke up (in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom).  The next day was shorter, but I wore compression sleeves and put my feet on a chair in front of me, and it wasn't a problem.  It was a bit unsettling to me because really I've not had many symptoms of pregnancy with Pico, so my sense of immunity from these things was dampered a little bit.

So anyway, at 24.5 weeks, I am...

Up to a 14 lb weight gain for a -1, net...I gain and lose this pound every couple of days so far.
Feeling fabulous, Maybe a little tired, but so long as I'm moving and grooving I don't swell, and I'm good to go...compression stockings and sleeves in tow.
Averse to golden-doodles who get in the shower with me.  (I'm baby-sitting my "little brother" that is 1 part doodle and 3 parts Muppet.)
In love with my interactive little Pico who dances to music (or tries to run away...)

Peace, Love, and Cheers to Being Viable, Pico!

Mary Katherine

Friday, October 9, 2015

23.2...and this IS special.

I shared an article on Facebook not long ago about how emotional it is to be a pregnant infertile. For years I idealized what it would be like to finally get that positive pregnancy test.  The relief and joy it would bring. How BJ and I would finally feel complete.  So the first time I had a positive pregnancy test and lost that baby as soon as I knew I had it was devastating.  That chemical pregnancy/early miscarriage stole the innocence of a positive pregnancy test from me.  So while it was an accomplishment to have that positive test after years of waiting, I couldn't really trust it.  Me being pregnant is still an enigma to my brain.

I thought seeing the baby and hearing the heartbeat would allow me to really accept it, but it didn't. I thought feeling the baby kick, having the anatomy scan, and now BJ seeing and feeling the baby kick would make this more real, but it's still very surreal.

I still don't tell acquaintances I am pregnant when they ask me how I'm doing. It's still a very foreign concept that I am having a baby, that this is working, and that I'll be Pico's mother in a few more months.  But I'm both happily and hesitantly getting to that point that my belly is betraying me.

I will never know what it's like to "just get pregnant." I'll never know what it's like to not have known struggle, sadness, and despair around wanting to be a parent, and that makes me and my fellow sisters in infertility a little different.  Not that it's better...I wouldn't wish infertility on my enemy...but it is different.  I know I am going to be a different parent than I would have been if I had just gotten pregnant 5 years ago.  This kid gets a break.  Five years ago, I would have been disappointed with anything less than a mathematical genius or gifted athlete.  I just want Pico to breathe, eat, open his or her eyes.  I just want Pico to be mine.  I long to be the one that soothes his or her cries in the middle of the night.  Even the nights where nothing else works, I want to be the one that suffers along with Pico as we try to figure it all out together.

I think BJ and I will be much better at not sweating the small stuff than we would have been 5 years ago.  We both have grown into our professional lives a little more while waiting for this miracle to occur, and we have new dreams and goals separate from being parents to Pico. But I think this, too will make us better and more balanced parents.

More than anything else, I just want to be this child's mother, whoever and however Pico turns out to be.  So while my body does all these strange things and my mind is still full of trepidation, I am still able to relish all these new experiences.  Everything from the kicks and squiggles in my belly, to the weird aches and pains, to the inability to digest food in a timely manner...It's a miracle for us, and I hope I am deserving.

So at 23.2 weeks, I am...

Up 9 lbs for a net of negative 6... WHOA
Feeling all the wiggles, kicks and punches and excited about feeling hiccups soon!
Craving...BJ will kill me if I don't say I craved a donut last week.  I wanted Krispy Kreme, so BJ took me to Dunkin' Donuts, where I was like 'Some old-fashioned glazed cake munchkins would be amazing'...But DD didn't have those...so I just had a mixture of mediocre Munchkins and then indigestion.  So now I am...
Averse to whatever I am "craving"...It just doesn't end well, and isn't worth it...
In love with that moment I'm drifting off to sleep and the little creature in my belly starts dancing the night away.

Peace, Love, and Belly Dances,

Mary Katherine