Monday, June 29, 2015


I'm in love!!!

We got to see our Pico today. He/she was squirming away...Doing the Carlton I think, with a heart rate of 174!!! Pico waved with his/her little arm bud, too!!! It was the most precious thing. It was almost as cute as Emma Grace as a puppy...

Dr. Donesky was pleased with everything. He said babies that are struggling won't be moving around as much as Pico was moving. That's probably the most affirming thing Dr. D has said to us at this point. My little dancer is just bee-bopping away. BJ and I are just tickled to death. Pico is still a day short measuring at 8.4, but everyone is fine with that. I mean let's face it...height is a losing battle in our family.

I feel so blessed to get to incubate this little miracle. I can't believe I'll be 9 weeks into this on Wednesday. We even got the go ahead to make our first prenatal visit with my regular OB!!!! It's crazy! It's not for a few weeks, but I'm just so thrilled to even get the chance to make a prenatal appointment!!! I seriously thought I'd be begging for a hysterectomy before I'd ever need prenatal visits!!!

I have been reminding myself that everyone who has a baby was at one time 7,8,9,10 weeks pregnant. You have to get through this first trimester to get any further, and that's what I've been doing. So far it seems to help. We're making it day-by-day, pill-by-pill, shot-by-shot. Pico is tough stuff!

Peace, Love and Bee-bopping!
Mary Katherine

Friday, June 26, 2015

8.2 Weeks

OK, I apologize.  I have all these grand plans for after I finish my 12 hour shifts and then I get home, and I just fall asleep eating dinner and end up drooling on my husband's shoulder.

But anyway... Monday I had an US @ 7.5 weeks and it went great. Our little tyke had a heartbeat of 158 and measured at 7.4 weeks.  As long as they are within a few days, and some people think a week, it's not a big deal.  We've been joking that since all the direct contributors to this child's make up are vertically challenged, it sure did not take long for our baby to start falling off the growth chart for height.

Dr. D even did a 3D Ultrasound, and it's kinda like...hmm...I can see an umbilical cord...and maybe an arm bud...but really...the baby looks more like a Picasso painting in 3D at this point.  I love my little Picasso baby.

We go back at 8.5 weeks for our next US. It's still nerve-wracking. I'm blessed to not have a lot of pregnancy symptoms, but the flip side, a little vomiting would make me feel slightly more confident.  It's still difficult to comprehend that I might actually have a child in 31 weeks and some change. So until Dr. D turns that volume up, or I see that gorgeous flicker of a heartbeat, I brace for bad news.  It's a constant reminder of just how grateful I am that I've even gotten the chance to get this far.

Anway @ 8 weeks, I am...

Still down 10 lbs...
Feeling overhwhelmed, like my boobs are full of acid, dizzy in the am,
Averse to Progresso cans...I can't even look at the can without gagging.

Peace, Love, and Doing much!

Saturday, June 20, 2015

I'm a little late...

Sorry, I've been working and traveling and sleeping in between!

I had my first scare early last week while I was at work with a bit of pressure in my lower abdomen and some bleeding. Of course because I was at work there was nothing to be done...the life of an RN...I got home put my feet up and BJ brought up some soup for me and next thing I know it was 2:30 in the morning and everything seemed better.

I think I've mostly ended the only sleeping for 3-4 hours streak. I still wake up like a start in the middle of the night but I can usually go back to sleep.

A week ago I got the ok to start working out again, but nothing new. I started doing prenatal yoga, since I've been doing yoga up to my transfer and I'm enjoying it.  The focus is always I love my body [scoff] I love my baby [very true] I trust my body [you've got to be kidding me] I trust my baby [mmm...not sure about that either]. 1/4 isn't too bad, right? Anyway I was feeling really good about things until I started bleeding last week. It tends to put a damper on your spirits real quick. Hands on your abdomen pleading with your baby to please, please stay.

So that wasn't fun, but I'm sure now, with a little separation from the event it was nothing but growing pains and being on baby aspirin. I'll be more sure tomorrow when we see our baby's beating heart again. 

I'm still a Nervous Nelly, but the people who are mom's that I socialize with and know my situation treat me as if I'm actually expecting a child and not a tragedy. That really does help build my confidence back up. I'm just too afraid to let my guard down completely. Still waiting for the shoe to drop.

So @7 weeks (and 4 days) I am...

Craving...tomato head Hummus (or just taking advantage of the situation...not sure)
Averse to Progresso canned chicken and noodle soup...which is tragic because that is my staple lunch when I work. I'll have to figure out something, quick!
Down 10lbs...before I went to New Orleans anyway, ;)
Feeling like my boobs are still on fire, achy hips, indigestion, and dizzy.

Peace, Love, and Anticipation,
Mary Katherine

Thursday, June 11, 2015

No Mini-Vans Required

We (as in the baby and I, not BJ, but he was there) had our first ultrasound today, and it was perfect. Despite my near meltdown in the elevator up to the office that our baby was gone.

Our little one (not two or three) measured perfectly at 6.1 weeks, and had a heart rate of 103. They want to see it above 80 at this point, so I have a little rockstar. BJ and I are just in shock.  I came out of the exam room still pretty teary, and scared the poor financial advisor.  Bless their hearts, they are all just overjoyed and rooting for this little one for us.  I've never heard Dr. Donesky be so upbeat.  Good news is just all too difficult to prepare for when you've only been disappointed before.

Today is the first day I feel like I might be someone's mother. I might actually have a baby of my own. I'm just astonished. Scared, of course, but hopeful, too. 

I'm six weeks and one day and that feels pretty legit as opposed to 4-5 weeks. I'm still too scared, excited, anxious and overwhelmed to sleep much, but eventually I'll crash.  Hopefully I'll sleep for 10 hours. It would be amazing!  

So @ 6 weeks I am...

Down 8 lbs since the day of my transfer
Craving (see above)
Aversions (none yet)
Symptoms - dizziness, boobs on fire, achy hips, insomnia and occasional queasiness. 
Favorite thing - texting Amy H. who understands what it's like to be a hopelessly infertile pregnant person driving herself nuts.

Here is a picture of what my dad thinks I should wear this summer.  You can tell he was raised in the 50s.  I'm pretty sure he'll send me away to one of those maternity groups if I disappear, please look for me "up north".

Peace, love, and heartbeats,
Mary Katherine

Thursday, June 4, 2015

5 Weeks

I made it!!!

So if you go by a 48 hour doubling time for bHCG levels, at 22 days after ovulation my bHCG should have been about 6,600.  Today I found out that I'm at 9,037.  So my embryologist said it looks like a "strong implantation."

I know, my mind is completely blown, too.

I can say I was never certain I would even get to this point.  It's just overwhelming.  I'll be having my first obstetrical ultrasound next week, but I might implode of anxiety/happiness/fear/joy before then.

Again, we are still super early, so anything can happen...but now I know anything includes me getting pregnant.  So if that's all this baby does for me, it's given me a real shot at motherhood.

So @ 5 weeks, I am

Wt.  -7 lbs since the day of my transfer (anxiety I think...)
Craving- see above
Aversions- None
Symptoms- Boobs on fire, dizzy, occasional crampiness, moments of queasiness, insomnia (maybe anxiety-related)
Favorite Thing - Sports bras

Peace, Love, and So Far, So, So Good!

Mary Katherine 

Monday, June 1, 2015

5 Years Today

We've been trying to have a baby for 5 years, today.  There is still no child in our arms, but there is possibly one (or two, Mother), snuggling in for 35 and some change more weeks, but nothing is ever a guarantee.  We're just further than we've ever really been before.  Whatever happens, this bean(s) has proven to everyone on my medical team and, most importantly, myself that yes, yes I can become pregnant, and for that I can never thank or love these one (two) embabies enough for renewing my hope.  

For the last five years it has been a struggle.  A struggle to cope with loss, heartbreak, feeling worthless, and feeling less than a woman.  The agony of despair is so overwhelming at times you lose all hope.  This is not an easy road for the weak-of-heart.

I have definintely grown stronger than I was 5 years ago.  You would assume more patient, but it might be better assessed as more stubborn. As much as my self-conscious berated me for not being able to carry a child, my heart was and is not willing to give up.  Even today I remain impatient as I am desperate to get to the time I can have an ultrasound, just so I know if this is a viable pregnancy or not and that my baby(ies) are safe.

Everyday, I struggle to relax and be patient.  If I feel less dizzy for a moment, I immediately think I'm miscarrying.  If I'm not having cramps/pressure I think my uterus is giving up.  I'm living on the edge of a panic attack constantly, but I'm loving having the chance to live there.

I don't know if you can say I'm enjoying this pregnancy, because, to be honest, I just feel I'm stuck on that Gravitron ride.  I don't feel "pregnant".  Again it's super early...Hell, it's not been a week yet.  I do get short of breath easily, and that's super weird.  I mean, I show up at work, and I'm out of breath walking from one end of our small unit to the other.  What is that about?  I mean those annoying apps tell me my baby(ies) is(are) the size of a poppy not exactly taking up lung space yet.

It has been hard going 3 days without having a confirmation from a beta HCG level that the pregnancy is still continuing.  I feel good about things the day I get my results until about 9:00 at night, and then I assume the worst all night long and until the next test.  I imagine this is going to be how it goes until I can feel the baby moving...This is going to be the world's longest pregnancy...

Peace, Love, and Elephants,
Mary Katherine