Thursday, January 1, 2015

New Year

So, yes, it's a new year and that's fine and dandy, but it's just another day.  The only thing I'm resolving this year is to not make a resolution.  I've had enough disappointment this past year, that I don't dare set myself up for any more failures.  So this year there will be:

No Resolutions
No Deadlines
No Setting Myself Up for Disappointment

Everything in my type A personality screams 'But!'.
Nope! Nope! Nope!

There will only be moments. This moment, for instance, I'm writing and reinforcing my anti-resolution policy with my silly cat curled up beside me.  In this exact moment I am content and determined.  At this time, I am fine.

After 54 months/attempts to have the children we desperately want, we completly grasp failure.  To live in a community where there is a dedicated NICU for babies born drug-addicted, failing at conception is, well, at the very least, felt by every fiber in our being.

Every new year for the past 5 years I've thought, 'This will be our year!' 'Something will have to work by the end of the year'.  And every year we come up empty-handed.

To experience years of infertility is to know infinite disappointment.  When you think you can't be any more hurt, or any more distraught over a result, you can.  The pit of despair seems to grow deeper.

I will never be perfect, I'll probably never not hurt or have pain somewhere, and I'll never be any less or more than I am right here in this moment. But, at this very moment, I am good enough for my husband, so I'm going to start believing that I'm good enough, period.

I am not going to judge myself because I didn't meet a deadline, or I did not reach my goal.  I'm just going to focus on doing what I can today, to make myself proud of me.  I cannot conceive a child, but if completing 1 of the questions on 60+ pages of adoption application paperwork that I can barely stomach looking at counts, then I have accomplished something.  If it's agreeing to have another surgery before future fertility treatments, or if it's agreeing to go through some test cycles before we even try again, it's something, and something is going to be enough this year.

I am not setting myself for another disappointing year, month, treatment cycle.  I'm just going to be present.  It's not that I'm giving up, it's just after trying for 4.5 years, I've learned you cannot force it, will it, control it, or wish it into being.  But that doesn't mean you stop dreaming...

Peace, Love, and Presence

Mary Katherine