Sunday, May 12, 2013

Happy Mother's Day

So I woke up with a goal of celebrating my wonderful Mother on this Mother's Day and not feeling sorry for myself.  I got up, and made it 1/3 of the way down the stairs when I found a card from my mother for me on Mother's Day?!
OK, so it was from my Mom and my Dad, but lesbihonest...I love my dad, but this wasn't his idea.  He obviously supported it, though.

Anyway, my goal had been no tears.  None.  I don't want to be a brat because this day is for mothers.  So that lasted approximately 4 minutes until I read this card.  So I gave myself 5 minutes to mourn.  From 7:35am to 7:40am...and I only really needed 4 of them before I could pull myself together and think about how fortunate I am to have such a wonderful mother who would take time out of her day to celebrate to think about me.  I'm lucky to have a dad who cares enough about me to support those endeavors.

I'm super lucky to have a husband who has stuck with me for the last three grueling years.  He fulfills every vow he said to me nearly 5 years ago on a daily basis.  We may not be able to say we've stood the test of time just yet, but if I were a bettin' lady...I'd put our money on us.

But since it is Mother's Day, back to my Mama...

She is uh-may-zing.  From the time I was little, between acting lessons, piano lessons, ballet lessons and  of course gymnastics I was very blessed that she was willing to shuttle me back and forth so I could have so many opportunities.  From being my nurse, counselor, advocate, chauffeur, best friend, confidant, she's been there for me.  When life got more complicated she was still there being supportive and had my back.  When I had a miscarriage and it seemed all I heard was, "at least you know you can get pregnant," my Mother was there for me rubbing my back and allowing me to mourn.  Whenever the world seems cruel, my Mama has and will be there for me.

It's so bloody hard, infertility is.  There is no way I or even BJ could ever get through it without my Mother on our side.  So again, Mama, I can't thank you enough for still being here for us and all the strange places this journey is taking us.  Your support means everything, and your belief in BJ and I to become parents gives us the confidence to keep going when it would be so much simpler to quit.

So while this is yet another Mother's Day I can't celebrate being a mother, it is one I can celebrate for having such an awesome mom.  Although, while none of BJ and my living children are of the homosapien variety, I would like to acknowledge how proud and thankful I am to be Emma Grace's mother.

So Proud!!!!!
We also can't forget our fuzzy boys!


So who knows what next year will bring.  Maybe my goal will be 3 minutes to pull myself together instead of 5. But for now and the rest of the day, I'm going to go celebrate on what I do mother!

Peace, Love, and Happy Mother's Day!
Mary Katherine

Saturday, May 4, 2013


Well, the second semester of nursing school was anything but a breeze, and certainly left a lot of our class, including myself, emotional train wrecks.  Our retention rate for my class is going to be below 85% after this semester.  We lost several of our friends, as our professors decided to toughen up on us to improve our chances on the NCLEX.  

I know what it's like to have a dream that doesn't come to fruition.  I have been full of anguish and sadness for my fellow students that will not be able to continue in the program with us.  They were my friends.  But I do know, you can't sit still, you can't wallow, you have to move forward and you most certainly can't give up.

Honestly, as graduation looms, in the hopefully not too distant future.  I have started to realize that our family building journey must resume at some point in the not too distant future, also.  I'm gun shy.  I have not missed the pain.  I mean the physical pain really is nothing compared to the absolute mental torture that is relentless.  To go back to months of emotional cycles of hope, uncertainty, grief, repeat...well, it's not much to look forward to enduring.  I'm sure BJ is not exactly looking forward to it either, but, ultimately if we want children, what choice do we have?  

The uncertainty is what fills me with the most fear.  How long? What route should we go? What will our family look like in the end?  I do not know these answers right now, and I will not know until after-the-fact.  For a control-freak like me, that's very difficult.  

All I know, is that I want nothing more than to have a child. So, I have to resume my battle despite my fears.   For my friends, who will be great nurses one day if that is what they choose, you have to hold your head up and keep going.  There will be a way, it just may not be clear.  Stay open to opportunities.  You can fulfill your dreams.  You can.

"I have learned that faith means trusting in advanced what will only make sense in reverse." 
~Phillip Yancey

Peace, Love, and Faith,
Mary Katherine