So every year I seem to renew my vow to myself to continue to hope, fight and be thankful for whatever I have in this moment.
This is all fine and dandy, and honestly, it's been a much nicer holiday not having spent it in the hospital with Daddy having a MI...so in spite of the multitude of NCLEX questions I do everyday, I'm not trading this year for last, but I would like to take a moment to recognize an emptiness.
I felt it more this year than ever. I lazily scrolled through Facebook posts on Christmas Eve and giggled as my friends diligently updated Santa on their toy-finishing assignments. But it hit me that I was tired of having Santa still come for me. I wanted to be up putting a Barbie dream house together. So I did what any 30-sumpthin does when she is sad, and I laid my head in my mother's lap and let her rub my back while I whined about life not being fair.
It's hard to make use and appreciate time you don't want. Honestly though, I'm starting to resent not having children. I'm tired of being asked if I've traveled and seen what I want to see. Well, yes and no. I've seen what I want to pay for. As a closet miser, I hate paying for "leisure" activities. A piece of me literally dies when I think about paying for a trip when I could buy new counter-tops and have them forever. Plus I have the Travel channel, and a zoo. So what's the point? If you're paying...and I don't have to fly in a 40 year old germ canister...well, then different story, but I'm digressing...
Ok, so I really feel like I'm missing out more than ever right now. Emma doesn't need help opening her presents anymore, the cats don't give a rat's hind end. It's just BJ, me, and our fur-babes. We're more than ready for the next challenge.
So as we embark on what will become our 5th year trying to conceive a child, I get it that there are no guarantees. Simply, I toast this margarita to my empty uterus. You've brought me a lot of pain, tears, and despair, but you've also taught me what courage is. So instead of naming off the things I'm thankful for and how hopeful I am that this year will be different, I'm just going to say 'Bring it, Bitch.'
Peace, Love, and Happy New Year!