Friday, April 11, 2014

Smell of Fear

Maybe it's the class I took on miscarriages and stillbirths...
Maybe it's because we're closer to trying to procreate than we've been in a long time...

but I'm scurred...

I'm really scared of not getting pregnant.  I'm scared of having no embryos to freeze.  I'm scared I can't handle any more bad outcomes. I'm scared of disappointment, which seems to be the only thing I've been guaranteed when it comes to reproduction.

But it's a double edged sword.  I'm scared of not trying.  I'm scared of looking back and thinking "what if".  I'm scared of never hearing a child call my husband "Daddy."  I'm scared of never giving my parents grandchildren.  I'm scared of looking into that empty spare bedroom and having to make it into something other than a nursery...and pretending to be okay with that decision for the rest of my life.
I'm afraid that I'll never be anybody's "Mama".

Unfortunately, I've been dealt a crap hand when it comes to fertility. I can only work with the cards I've been given.  That's really all any of us can do no matter the situation.  Play or fold.  Up to now, I've felt pretty good, but as reality sets in, and I really look at my hand, I know there is a 50% chance that this won't work, either.

My dilemma is how do I balance the happiness that I feel when there is hope, with the reality that there may very well be more disappointment ahead?

Living in the moment...Much easier to say, than to actually put into practice. But I can't live already defeated.  I tried that...and it was absolutely miserable.

So for now, I will try to keep smiling and appreciate that everyone in my house can use the potty where they are supposed to...mostly (well, when they are not punishing us for whatever indiscretion that causes cats to not use their well-maintained litter box).

I can be happy that for now, I have a lot to look forward to over the next few months.  We are taking more steps to help us find a conclusion to our quest for spawn.  We are happy with the choices we have made thus far.  And we have an exciting summer of shenanigans to look forward to on top of it all!

Peace, Love, and More Shenanigans...Less Worry,

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Inexplicable Anger

Really, I'm not a very angry person...I've always had other pursuits. However, nothing makes me more angry than those stick figure family stickers. I cannot explain it.

I will be driving along, listenin' to my jams, all happy-go-lucky, and then I spot them.

I begin to feel it.  The kind of wrath that makes me understand why it's one of the 7 deadly sins.

My blood boils.  My face reddens.  I have to fight the urge to not flip the person driving the vehicle off all because of stickers. This started before I knew I was infertile, so I can't blame infertility for's totally unjustifiable.

Nobody cares how many children you have, what gender they are, what their hobbies are, and God forbid their names...

It's like you are a mobile advertisement for pedophiles and child-nappers...just sayin'...

The only other thing in my life that makes me this angry is Canada.  Also, inexplicable.  It's like an innate rage.  It is completely unjustified (well, ok, the Opening Ceremonies where they had a beat poet kind of begins to justify it, but other than that I have no justification).  And no, I don't hate Canadians, the country's simple existence just makes me angry...I guess I have issues.

I wish I could be angrier at things that would...I don't know...make a little channeled into something that could make a difference...But no...

I get asked if I'm angry at women that get pregnant, especially when they aren't necessarily pillars of the community.  "Doesn't it make you angry when crack-whores get pregnant?".  Not particularly...It has no effect on me what-so-ever.  There is no limit on the number of people who can get pregnant in a given month so it's not like I'm competing with anyone but my own broken damn parts.

If I've learned anything, it's that life is messy, complicated, twisted, unfair, but if you fight for's wonderful, too.  Today for instance.  It was 70 degrees, my husband was working in the back-yard, I was plotting out the grocery list and my sweet, golden retriever, Emma Grace, was swimming in our pool, and romping around loving every minute of our attention.  If this is the only family I ever know as a 30-something adult, it's pretty pleasant.  It's not my ideal, it's not perfect, but it's wonderful.  My heart swells when I think of our little family, that may or may not ever grow.

Peace, Love, & Forgiving Canada for Existing,

Tuesday, April 1, 2014



Sorry for the lack of updating in March...but I was too attached to heating pads it seemed to type much...and when I wasn't, I wasn't sitting down.

So apparently March Endometriosis Awareness Month was my body's chance to show how aware it really wanted me to be.  For the first time in my life I got to experience that 2 week cycle thing, ok it was actually 17 days, but still....I've heard ladies complain, but I normally live in 31-45 day land give or take another month...and this was friggin' nut-so.  I flat-out find it unpatriotic and unacceptable. AND it would be one thing if it was just "Oh, hello and goodbye" in 2 days of Hellful vengeance like it normally is, but this is still going.

As of tomorrow, this will have lasted 3x longer than any other period in the history of my life.  Ok so that may only be 6 days...but I feel like I'm bleeding to death.  Which I know, I'm just being a baby and there are people who normally bleed for 5-7 days, and things are fine.  At least by days 4 and 5 I can somewhat tolerate life.  Like it only hurts when I stay still for too long.  So sleeping is barely an option and sitting still feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus.  And if I hold still long enough I'm pretty sure my uterus is trying to turn inside out and fall out of my body faster than Mrs. Duggar's.  At least that's just what it feels like.  So I just keep moving as much as possible.

Oh, the even more funner part (yes, I said more funner) of this story is that all this has happened while on the 2nd week of my active pills of my birth control.  Oh and before you say, "Oh that's just breakthrough"...NO, NO....I know what breakthrough is...this was full-out I'm showing you who's boss sending you to the bathroom, breaking you out in cold sweats, cramping so bad you can't get out of bed and do anything for 2 solid days, making you puke, making the curtains close over you eyes when you try to do stuff so you have to sit down or you will fall down, lose 6 lbs in a day from diarrhea, horribleness.  So, unless that's what breakthrough bleeding is like...

I got to see Dr. Donesky for all this and he said, "Huh? And you waited until after a period to start the birth control pills?"
This is like confusing Einstein on the theory of relativity...I've confused Einstein...

He did say that I have lost my period privileges, so I get to skip all the sugar pills from now until I conceive a child, need a special test, or have a hysterectomy!!! YAY!!!!! But we are just in a holding pattern to see what happens before we do anything more.  My estrogen may be low for whatever I may need a stronger pill if this doesn't stop, soonerish... 

All I know is I want more estrogen like someone wants more sunburn, so hopefully it will stop.  Short of it is...when your pregnancy is "chemically enhanced"...err..."chemically dependent" rather none of this matters because they'll just give me whatever hormone cocktail I need to fix it.  I just want to not bleed to death in the meantime...[I'm exaggerating.]

Honestly, I don't know how the "normal 5-7 days every 28 days" women live.  I mean all these feminine products are expensive...I can buy the big box and that's like almost a year supply for me typically...I spend more money on ibuprofen and heat patches...this is bloody ridiculous...literally...I seriously buy them so infrequently that I'm still embarrassed when I do have to buy them and usually send BJ to do it...Well, that secret is out...

In other more uplifting news...I saw Dr. Donesky on the same day for other reasons and he told me we were in good shape to collect some eggs in June.  YAY!!!  We got to see a social worker who thinks that we are a good fit to be parents...YAY!!!  I almost lost it when she asked if mental illness runs in our family..."Run? just flaunts itself proudly amongst us!"  Fortunately, I was interrupted before that left my mouth...I'll never make it through an adoption work-up... 

So things are getting semi-serious in the old Roberts' Household of Fertility Doom.  BJ's been sticking to his Vitamin Candy regimen.  I'm not gonna lie...someone gave me their gummie prenatals and they are way more fun...He'll have to send his swimmers to the Fertility Trials soon. YAY!!!  I've lost 20lbs since was another Freudian slip...but last June...I've lost 3.5 inches around my boobs to show for that so far...and like a millimeter or 2 on all the other places...but hey...

It's really bizarre to be excited about possibly having kids again.  Literally last week, I was telling BJ this wasn't going to work and he was pretty miffed at he should have been.  I hear that roller coaster of Joy/Grief/Joy/Grief roaring in the distance.  I don't know how to flatten it.  I know we wouldn't be doing this without more than an outside possibility that it would work.  Dr. Donesky would not string us along, and he has the stats to back himself up.  Well, it's not really going to matter too much for a bit because all of our embryos are going straight to the freezer... so I guess there is less pressure...we're good at making eggs, were good at fertilizing... it's touchy with the blastocysts... and we're taking the implantation out the equation, so at this point, I think it's okay to be a little excited.

Peace, Love, and Hopefully Not Exsanguinating,