Thursday, December 18, 2014

Merry Christmas, Dammit!

I'm beginning to really resent the holidays.  They are starting to become soul-sucking.  I'm trying to fake myself into being into them.  I've decorated, I've bought a few presents that are here and remain unwrapped.  It's just not fun to do something with so much pent up resentment.

I wasn't thankful on Thanksgiving, and I'm not merry.  I'm angry and sad.

I met with Dr. Donesky last week as I'm still having problems.  After reviewing my labwork and symptoms, he just told me this is the beginning of the end of my ovaries.  I'm officially in menopause.  I've known this, yet hearing it just made me sad.  Sad enough to be weepy, unhappy and throw pity-parties for myself.

I just have a hard time accepting the fact that someone can accuse me of looking like I'm 16 one day, and then finding out I'm in menopause the next.  I guess the age thing will catch up in a hurry now.  I've had the insomnia for a while, I have hot flashes, night sweats...I'm a childless hag.

I'm exhausted from trying to pretend like everything is okay when nothing is okay with this situation. As if I'm suppose to be grateful that I "still have options."  Options that cost around 30,000 dollars and aren't guaranteed.  I am completely ungrateful for infertility right now.

I feel like I'm just wallowing in life.  This is not where I thought I would be at all...I thought I would be finished having children by now.  Enjoying the life of a young, completed family.  I certainly didn't think I'd still be undergoing fertility treatments and that they would not be successful.  I'm fed up, but I can't let myself give up.

Everyone in my age bracket is prepping for their Christmas with their children, and I'm trying to figure out what to get my dog this year, again.  I'm just so over celebrating the birth of an immaculately conceived baby, when I can not even get pregnant using donor eggs.  The more I think about it the more I hate Christmas.  I just want it to be over, so I can stop faking it.

I used to love it's just another reminder of everything I don't have.  All I want for Christmas is a healthy child of my own.  Nobody seems to be able to help us accomplish that.

Peace, Love, and Bah-humbug,

Mary Katherine