Sunday, June 16, 2013

Parental Unit Celebration Days

I'm sad for BJ, who isn't really sad more today than any other day.  His bad days hit randomly when I write touching, honest blogs, or when he reads articles about parents losing children and the nurse that was kind to them.  But all-in-all, he's not really sad today because he is an optimist that envisions a future full of many Father's Days in which our babies will include some with slightly less fur.

I wasn't near as sad on Mother's Day 2 years ago when we were actually in the process of technologically-enhanced baby-making.  I was pretty sure I was curable.  I KNEW without a question of a doubt that IVF was going to work for us.  Simply because it had to if for no other reason. Alas, we know how that turned out...and so gave birth to the true pessimist that underneath it all is where I find my inner-peace.  Expect the worst, get better results, even if only slightly better, and come out of the situation elated because it could have been much worse.  It typically works for my mother, so in my wizened old-age I think I'm converting...  This sounds terrible, but sarcasm and optimism were never really a good match for me anyway.  I think all along I've been lying to myself that I'm an optimist.  BJ would probably whole-heartedly agree... It doesn't make me unhappier, it just makes me wiser, and removes ridiculous expectations I set for myself...which actually makes me happier.

These Parental Unit celebration days will continue to come and go, but our infertility is constant.  Somedays it's more on the forefront of BJ's or my mind than others, but it's always there. Gnawing.  So forgive me for being sad that I'm not able to celebrate a traditional Father's Day with my deserving husband.  It's hard to swallow that deserving means nothing in the land of infertility, but we both do, anyway.  Do we deserve a medal of honor for that? No.  A new gadget or tie? No...A hug? Definitely!

Anyway, I guess I'd just like to say Happy You Will Be Fathers One Day, Day to all the individuals who are living with involuntary childlessness.  And, of course, Happy Father's Day to all my friends who are fathers.  I'm so very fortunate that I'm surrounded by friends who know how blessed they are.  (Thanks for being shining examples to us!!!)

Peace, Love, and According to BJ There Will Be More Father's Days,

Sunday, June 9, 2013

I Have a Confession

So everyday since, oh, August 20th, 2012 I've started my day by blasting Kelly Clarkson's "Stronger". I ain't ashamed. I have an entire playlist of all the awesome breakup songs I never thought I'd have a need for again under the title "Infertility".

I've come to the conclusion that infertility is extremely close to having an abusive boyfriend.  So, yes, I've personified infertility which may seem a little One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, but actually it's very in line with Gestalt therapy.  I've always had a propensity towards Gestalt because a.) you can tell your clients what you think of them as their therapist (i.e. "You are driving me nuts, and make me want to hide under my desk") [*Please, note I did decide that counseling was not the best fit for me] and b.) you get to personify things about yourself and smack talk them....Well, with the idea that you'll apologize and forgive yourself as you hash that part of yourself out with your rational self.

ANYWAY...Another song on my almost daily playlist is Linkin Park's "Waiting on the End to Come" mostly for the lines:
All I want to do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

It's not as poignant as it once was at the beginning of this terror ride of fertility treatments, but I do still hold on to what I haven't got.  Anyway, it's a good song that, even though is sad in the true intention of the song, is empowering to me.  It's amazing what music can do for you.  Especially when you personalize it to your situations.  I mean I'm totally rocking "Stronger" with middle school girls going through their first break-up, with as much excitement and vengeance as any of them.

What are your power songs?  What is your go to song that helps you get excited for the day and fight your inner-battles?  

Peace, Love, and Rock & Roll,

Thursday, June 6, 2013

A Letter to My Child

My Dear Little One,

We haven't met yet, and I am still not sure how or when it is going to happen, but I wanted to tell you that Mommy and Daddy already love you so very much.  I believe in you, Baby, OUR Baby.  Your little soul is floating around somewhere, and we are doing our best to be patient in the meantime.  It's hard, but we'll make it, somehow.  You're too beautiful of a dream to even fathom giving up on.

I wanted you to know that Mommy and Daddy are working hard to make a life for ourselves so that you can feel loved, cherished, and supported.  We're getting there, especially your Mommy.  I didn't know how much I could enjoy living until I started enjoying living.  It was hard to be so focused on meeting you that I forgot that I had a life to live in the meantime.  It's hard to believe that I forgot how lucky I was to have your Dad!  Just wait until you meet Daddy.  He's the kindest, most faithful, and loving man you could ever meet.

I have been thinking about you, my precious one, an awful lot recently.  It is getting nearer to the time where we will be re-embarking on our journey to meet you.  I was so angry and embittered last time.  I was so mad at myself that I just couldn't have you like a "normal family".  I couldn't accept that I couldn't have my cute roly-poly non-stop little boy just like I wanted, when I wanted.  I was so scared that I would get so close, and then lose you, forever.

I am still scared.  As I get closer to graduating, my fear builds.  But I am ok with being scared, and I am certainly excited, too.  I am not angry at myself, anymore.  I'm just me.  It's still going to be a hard road whether I choose to be angry at myself for something I had absolutely no control over, or I choose to be happy and thankful that I have the opportunity to bring you to us at all.  And you know who helped me learn this?  You did!  I will never be able to thank you enough.

I want you to know, that we will love you no matter how you appear, what you look like, and what gifts you do or don't have.  You don't have to be anything for us but your beautiful self.  You will be perfect for us.  So don't be scared, Little One.  Neither you nor your parents have anything but good things to look forward to from here.

Mommy and Daddy