Sunday, March 29, 2015

Lab Rats

Well, I can say that's a wrap on that "Mock Cycle with Endometrial Receptivity Assay".  It has been an interesting learning experience taking on the "crazy shots" without the emotional turmoil of 'Will this work this time?'.

One, they really make me tired. Super-tired.  I feel sleep-starved all the time, but I also wake up all the time.  I have thought before that they did, but I also did not know if it was just a way for me to avoid emotional turmoil by sleeping all the time...although to sleep all the time, one would actually have to be able to sleep...

I don't particularly feel bitchy or irritable, and if I come off that way, I can't say it's not sleep-related. I feel crampy and crappy and premenstrual with or without an actual transfer procedure.  So, I guess, it's a nice baseline.  I don't feel different.  I did not feel particularly different this cycle, my last treatment cycle, or the one before that where I actually had implantation occur. So, I guess what they always told me is correct.  You just don't know until you know.

Emotionally, I'm not particularly anything.  I'm happy to have the biopsy over with, but a little anxious that my results are going to come back comparing my uterus to Chernobyl.  Logically, I am doubtful because of the aforementioned implantation...but then's me.  I mean, on all counts thus far, I have fallen into the slimmest of statistics when it comes to infertility.

We did get BJ's results, and well, they tended back to the original SA he had 4 or more years ago...Not horrible, but definitely will still need to use intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI).  Too many immature and some other smaller issues.  Dr. Donesky said we would still qualify for the guarantee program, so it's not that horrible, but he did suggest BJ up his vitamin and antioxidant game.

So we just wait. We wait and a few more days, and maybe a few more until we know something. Everyday my logical side has to fight my Debbie Downer side a little harder.  But trudge on I must, because life doesn't give me any other option at this point.

Peace, Love, and Happy Waiting,


Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Every Sperm is Sacred...

So I'm playing lab tech, which I guess is a great experience since I would LOVE to work in a fertility clinic one day, but still...ew!

Droppers, test tubes, specimen cups and dry ice...this is supposed to be my day off, LOL...oh, and not to mention the stars of the show...

So this is BJ's fancy high dollar test, and next week will be mine if all the stars align. I will be taking progesterone starting tonight, just as I would for an embryo transfer, but I still take the delestrogen every 3rd day, too.  So that means up to 3 intramuscular shots in one day!  YEAH! I splurged and got the fancy designer Band-Aids that come in a black box...Nothing but the best for my ass... But's it's a good test run before May, hopefully, when we try our first possibly fresh cycle in 3 years.  

So all of this in the hopes that we will one day conceive our synthetic child... Really Dolce & Gabbana?  No, it's fine...I mean, your clothes are too runway and synthetic for real life, and I'll never buy Light Blue, again, so there you are.  Honestly, if you think IVF children are less loved and less appreciated because they were begotten by science, then there is just no hope for you.  Go crawl back to your cave... And if you want to adopt, that is amazing. Adoption is a wonderful option, it's just not for everyone or right for everyone at certain points in their lives.  

Well, I'm reaching hormone exhaustion levels. I went from 9 to 1007 in 10 days, but my lining only got to 8.2 which is kinda slim. Our goal is always 10. We shall see what happens in the next few days.

Peace, love, and ew!

Mary Katherine

Monday, March 9, 2015

This is 30...

To rip off one of my favorite Judd Apatow flicks...

So far, I've been told I have arthritis, gone into menopause, had a fibroid removed, gotten my first cortisone shot, and had a failed egg donor cycle.

Basically, 30s are my late forties...

Despite all that hoopla, BJ and I are moving on with our lives to the next venture in this struggle, which is this endometrial receptivity assay.  Speaking of high tech testing, BJ, too, gets to have another test done to make sure his swimmers, are indeed, as good as his last test said they were.

So I just took my third injection of delestrogen, which is similar to the progesterone in oil shots except they are given in smaller amounts.  We had to go this route because my body is so depleted of estrogen that I apparently metabolize all the estrogen from transdermal patches too quickly.  It will be interesting to see what my estrogen level gets up to next week.  My baseline was 9, which is low...but since we are using shots this time, it should shoot right up.

So once the tests come back, Dr. Donesky will be able to tell us if we are indeed candidates for a money-back guarantee program for egg-donation cycles.  Preliminarily, we are, and so we have started the egg-donation process again.

When people ask me, "have you though about adoption...", "Are you going to adopt?", or say, "You know you can just adopt"...when the black leaves my eyes, and I can see through the wall of rage that I immediately throw up in defense, I try to explain that I have been told many times, that my uterus looks fine. This ERA should give us a final answer confirming that, one way or another.  Egg donation is cheaper than adoption.  I get to experience pregnancy.  I get to carry my husband's genetic child.  I get to talk to my baby from the moment its little ears work.  I don't have to pay the egg donor's cost of living even if she drinks, does cocaine or meth, or otherwise partakes in harmful behavior and exposes our would be children, unlike adoption.  Nor can the egg donor say she wants her eggs back and keep all her money.  So please, tell me, tell me since you know so much more about my situation apparently, why I should "just adopt"?

With this money-back guarantee program, we pay a little more up-front, but if at the end of a determined amount of tries (potentially a lot), I do not end up with a live baby in my arms, we get our money back.  Money that we can put towards adoption, re-doing our house to make it cozier for just the two of us, or a really nice vacation.  Whichever, but my point is not that it costs more, it's that Dr. Donesky and his group are that confident we can conceive with egg donation.  He has told me from the beginning and numerous times since, that I am capable of carrying a pregnancy.

With my post-op appointment, we discussed how, in fairness to my uterus, it's only gotten one decent shot at conceiving all this time, and that was my last cycle.  So, I am excited to be moving forward, and getting the last of the answers we need.

Peace, Love, and JUST Not Killing You for Telling Me I Could "Just Adopt",

Mary Katherine

"Don't wish me happiness. I don't expect to be happy all the time... It's gotten beyond that somehow.  Wish me courage and strength and a sense of humor. I will need them all." 
~Anne Morrow Lindbergh