For 5 and a half years, this was my life. More than the hurtful comments, the unhelpful suggestions, the pregnancy announcements from people who either weren't trying or tried for 2 seconds, the pregnancy announcements from same-age peers for their 2nd and 3rd babies, nothing can touch the feeling of failing your husband.
Even when male factor infertility is the issue, you as the woman cannot carry that baby. You cannot bear your spouse's child. It leaves you feeling empty, sad, and worthless. You are barren. It feels as sad and lonely as that word sounds. It feels like failing, even when your husband doesn't see it that way. You feel like you are failing at being a woman.
I would pretend to not notice BJ playing with our friend's kids while at the same time taking in every moment. Letting it sear itself into my soul. I would tell myself this was why we needed to keep trying because he was just so wonderful with children. So patient, kind, appropriately fun at whatever age he was thrown and just plain good. He is the kind of guy you would meet for 5 minutes and not hesitate to leave your kid playing with him at the party while you went and fetched some food or something to drink. It's just so easy for him.
Unlike me, I just felt so awkward. I had no baby experience. When I held other people's babies I felt like I was being stared at, or worse, pitied.
Fast forward to this miracle:
I'll be honest, as amazing as BJ was with other people's children, I had no idea how it would translate into fatherhood. He by far has exceeded all expectations, and he's got it harder than a lot of working dad's. He works all day, and then comes home to be a single father when I work night shift. When I work day shift he has to single dad it again, and get Matt ready himself, drops him off, and pick the kid up to be single dad for a few more hours until I get home.
And that's just what he has to do... He continues to astonish me with just what a wonderful father he's become. His attention to Matt, his ability to soothe him leaves me jealous at times. I love listening to BJ read to Matt. I love the baby giggles BJ generates. He goes above and beyond for this kiddo. He doesn't just love Matthew, he cherishes him. And Matt's eyes light up when he comes home, and it melts my heart every.single.time.
BJ, Happy Birthday. This kid loves you to the moon and back, and so does your wife. I didn't think it would be possible to love you any more than I already did, but I do. You are an outstanding father and a better husband than I deserve. I hope your birthday was as happy as Matt is to see you.
Peace, Love, and Baby Daddies,