Friday, September 27, 2013

Happy Birthday, BJ..

Oh, BJ...There is no way I'll ever top this post, so I'm not even going to try.

Nonetheless, I love you, evermore. I am so honored, loved, and humbled that you would choose me... and then stay with me...whoa!  Everyone says marriage is hard, and I guess we've had more than our fair share of struggles to face, but being married to you is still the simplest, most soothing, easy thing I've ever done.  If this is hard, you make it easy.

So without further ado, and in the fashion of my name-sake, and possibly inspired Saturday Night Live character, Mary Katherine Gallagher...

My feelings can best be expressed in a poem by the famous philosopher/songwriter Peter Cetera entitled "Glory of Love" which may or may not have also been the theme song to some 80s Karate Movie...but I digress..

Tonight it's very clear
'Cause we're both lying here
There's so many things I wanna say
I will always love you
I would never leave you alone

Sometimes I just forget
Say things I might regret
It breaks my heart to see you [see me] crying
I don't wanna lose you
I could never make it alone

I am a [wo]man who will fight for your honor
I'll be the hero you're dreaming of
We'll live forever
Knowing together
That we did it all for the glory of love

You keep me standing tall 
You help me through it all
I'm always strong when you're beside me [just roll with this line]
I have always needed you
I could never make it alone

I am the [wo]man who will fight for your honor
[You'll] be the hero
[I've] been dreaming of
We'll live forever
Knowing together that we did it all 
For the glory of love

It's like a knight in shining armor
From a long time ago   [the art in the simplicity of this line makes it my fave, btw]
Just in time I will save the day
Take you to my castle far away

I am the man who will fight for your honor
I'll be the hero that your dreaming of
We're gonna live forever
Knowing together
That we did it all for the glory of love

We'll live forever
Knowing together
That we did it all for the glory of love
We did it all for love

~Peter Cetera

Your Beautiful Wife

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Beginning of the end...of nursing school

I don't talk about nursing school so much...It's not that interesting for the most part...
Sleep, class, clinical, study, take a test repeat...and weekends?  That term no longer has significance to me, as I'm likely to be in clinical or doing my preceptorship.  But I'm quickly approaching the end of this cycle and possibly replacing it with the hope, try, cry, almost die one.  In fact, I only have 56 more days of academic-type stuff (sheesh, I gotta lot of papers to write in 56 days...urgh...) and 78 days before it's officially over, I'm getting nervous.

I still have so much to do, like get hired, successfully navigate through orientation, and become competent at my job.

And I don't know what my life will be like past 2.5 months from now.  Will I have a job?  Where will the job be? When will I be working? How will fertility treatments and a nursing career work? Do BJ and I still want to go through fertility treatments?  Are we ready to just adopt?  Would we even make it through a home study with that damn glass coffee table I love so much?  Or maybe I haven't processed my own internal struggles with infertility enough...What if Emma hates the social worker?  What if the social worker hates us?  I think I already do.  I mean the thought of someone determining whether I would be a fit parent while we have an entire NICU in our area devoted to newborns withdrawing from drugs their mothers took...That's just one of the many big, bitter adoption pills I'll have to swallow.

I've nary a clue, and if you know me at all, I love this about as much as I love being infertile...

The scary thing is how much I've enjoyed the peace of not spending every waking moment lusting, toiling, trying and crying over conceiving.  Does that mean I don't care anymore?  Does that mean I'm ready to say I can live child-free?  I don't immediately break into tears when I think about that, anymore...what does that mean?

I'm scared.  That is all, just scared...Or maybe I'm just sad that it's almost time to hit the play button and finding out that the end of this movie is of me failing.

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear." ~C.S. Lewis

Peace, Love, & A Healthy Dose of Fear,