Dear Lillian,
One day you will ask how you came to be, and unlike your big brother, I don't have years' worth of blog posts to share with you. But don't take that to mean there is not another beautiful story of hope, love and miracles behind your conception. In fact Matt's story is your story. You see, the very same day God, Dr. Donesky, Susan, a very special young woman, and of course, your Dada worked together the miracle of your brother (yes, your brother is a miracle no matter how you feel about him on the day you read this) they also made you. You became one of many BEAUTIFUL blastocysts. On the day of my transfer with Matt, you were frozen.
And you waited, and we waited. I always knew I did not want two in diapers or extremely close in age. I wanted to relish all the phases of babyhood and early childhood before I diverted my attention. It is my hope that since Matt-Matt is a little older and almost 8% independent, he will allow me to give you as much as I could give him. Plus you'll have him to adore, too. He says he's really excited to meet you, by the way. I'm not sure how long that excitement will last, but at the moment, rest assured it was genuine. Your Dada and I cannot wait either.
Like your brother, once we got to a healthy blastocyst, you were no problem. In fact, I was in my office 3 days past my transfer when I sneezed and felt a sharp, stabbing pain that only has one etiology. That sneeze sprained my uterus as I like to say, or caused round ligament pain.
I guess I should insert that some things have changed since I blogged about your brother. I am now very blessed and honored to be a nurse practitioner at the Fertility Center where you and Matt-Matt were created. That being the case, Lillian, this blog is not meant to be taken for medical advice in lieu of seeing an actual provider. It is simply a means to relay my experience as your mother. If you were to need medical advice, I highly recommend contacting your primary care physician/pediatrician, OB/GYN, or going to resources such as ASRM.org and RESOLVE.org if you need more general information about infertility.
Anywho, there was the sneeze heard round the office, and I knew right then. So, I being the trained medical professional I am and having told numerous patients not to take a home pregnancy test this early, took a home pregnancy test. To be fair, I was under the influence of a co-worker who was using reverse psychology to get me to test early. (That is my story, and will always be my story.) I thought I had waited until the morning, but it turns out I only made it to 1:30am when I had to pee. So I braced myself and reminded myself that it was way too early to test and this was not going to be the best sample. Yet...there was the first evidence of you turning the lightest shade of pink before my very eyes. You were that strong, and that determined, and just that amazing.
I don't think I slept the rest of the night, which is a theme with you...but we'll get there. Your Dada, was so happy. This is the first time we found out I was pregnant before anyone else! I was a good patient and didn't cheat with Matt. I diligently kept up with my progesterone shots and by day 5 after my transfer, unlike with your brother, I felt gross. Like super gross with nausea but not bad enough to vomit, which honestly is its own kind of misery. So I asked for my progesterone level to be drawn to see if I could cut back on it, and Aunt Alishia accidentally ordered a bHCG in addition to a progesterone test. Muscle memory...it's a thing. And then, there you were...on record, in my chart, and official. I was definitely pregnant. And I also definitely got to cut back on progesterone...
A few days later, you had an amazing official start with an almost 300 initial bHCG. Forty-eight hours later, you more than doubled the numbers like a champ. We got to take a sneak peak at 5 weeks because the office bought new ultrasound machines, and we absolutely had to test them. We saw your little gestational sac. The next week you did all the things with a great initial heart rate and growing just as you should. Unlike with your brother, I was more keenly aware something was going on this time. Whereas without fertility treatments and frequent monitoring I would have never known I was pregnant with Matt. You, girlfriend, you were present. You even made me throw up a few times. Because of this, I knew in my heart of hearts you were a girl. I was resigned to the idea of being a boy mom. (I hope you like Hot Wheels, Lillian, because we have the entire fleet from 2018 onwards...). I expected to be a boy mom. It had been too long and too hard of a road to just assume I would have my version of the textbook family of a protective older brother to a sweet but sassy little sister that I always wanted to have.
You continued to grow and do all the things. Aunt Alishia talked me in to doing a blood test to find out your gender. I mean, it also checked for trisomies and some other of the more common chromosome errors, but lesbihonest, we did it for the gender. I don't know if you've officially been told this by this point in your life, but you don't have any trisomies or microdeletions based on this test, congratulations! We waited for reasons I can't even remember, to find out your gender until Aunt Alishia and Aunt Ericka decided to kick Dada out of the house and create a treasure hunt to find out..
We failed. To be fair, I still argue that where food gets cold is a refrigerator, not a freezer, but that's not the point. I also failed to video this adventure because of who I am as a person. This is why we do group activities, and I am not responsible for filming them. Anyway with 3 out of 12 clues found, we got to our final goal prematurely. We found the rest of the puzzle pieces over the next 5 days. (Remind Mommy and Dada that if the Amazing Race ever returns, we need not apply.)
We opened this cute black and white box and found pink ribbon, "it's a girl!" trinkets, and pink glittery shoes. I shut the box super fast. NO WAY! But very much yes way, you are my precious baby girl. My Lillian Leigh who's name I've held on my heart for 13 years.
Lillian, you are named after your great-great Aunt that your Grammy just adored AND your great-great grandmother Lillian that was also a nurse, like your Mommy. Leigh comes from the middle name of both your Uncles Matt (your brother Matt-Matt's namesake) and Christopher. Just in case you were wondering. I also really like the sound of LILLY LEIGH!!! GET YOUR HIND END BACK IN HERE!!! to the tune of a slamming screen door...we are from the south so these things are important...
Over the next couple of weeks I got to wean off the progesterone in oil injections which was fabulous because they do make your rump itch. And then my thighs...I didn't give the medication in my thighs, but nevertheless it must've been the progesterone.
Everything seemed great at my first OB appointment. And then I got COVID...at least a whiff of it...I was one of the blessed people who only had sinus symptoms and a cough. It was a nasty cough. And then with every coughing fit I started bleeding. Again, this is what I do for a living, so I knew the pressure of coughing combined with daily aspirin was likely the culprit, but bleeding while you're pregnant is not what one would call reassuring. The COVID cough, like all things COVID, lingers, but anytime I took a sneak peak by US, you were just doing all the things. You checked out fine, at your 16 week appointment.
We made it to your 20 week appointment for your big anatomy scan. They verified that "Oh, you are definitely a girl" with perfect hands, feet, abdominal organs, a beautiful 4 chamber heart. You did have a choroid plexus cyst, which is a normal finding when we know prenatal testing has been performed and there are no other defects. So this is where I will forever be grateful to Aunt Alishia for talking me into doing the non-invasive prenatal testing. That would have been the next step, and I cannot imagine how painful the two week wait for news would have been had I been made to endure it. On the upside, you bought us a repeat US at 28 weeks. Did I mention I was still itching?
I don't remember when I started having to get up multiple times through the night to go pee with Matt. It never stopped from the time of your transfer with you. Not such a big deal, except when I would wake up to use the bathroom, I couldn't get back to sleep for the incessant itching. It started on my shins, but then it would be everywhere. There was no rash, but it also wasn't my hands and feet at first so I wrote it off as some "pruritis of pregnancy"...It had been a problem as early as 14 weeks, but it would be a bad 2-3 nights and then a good 3-4 nights so I wrote it off. Sometimes Benadryl helped...sometimes it didn't...then it became 3-4 bad nights and a couple nights that may have been bad, but I was too exhausted to do anything about it so I mostly slept through it.
At your/our 24 week appointment, I did mention the all over body itching during the night because I was also driving your Dada nuts. We talked about contact allergies, changing my bedding, lotions (it was winter), avoiding scalding hot water, trying oatmeal baths...so I did all those things, and it seemed like things were a little better because I went a good run of only 2-3 bad nights a week.
Anyway, you looked amazing at your 28 weeks US. Your choroid plexus cyst had resolved. You had a perfect little belly and such a cute face. You already looked like your brother. We get to 30 weeks and all is grand...still itching, but making it. At 32 weeks things were meh - about every other night I was up itching for 2-3 hours. By 33ish weeks it was most every night a week, and so I mentioned it again. Labs were drawn and came back normal. Labs were drawn the next week and came back normal. Didn't bother with labs at 35 weeks, and then at 36 weeks when I was feeling confident it was just a weird non-rashy itch and annoying but not worrisome, I got diagnosed with cholestasis of pregnancy. So at the time that I am writing this, we are set up for 2 more appointments and an induction over the span of the next 6 days.
So even though you are not here to read this, Lil, I am asking that you hang in for a few more days. This thing is annoying to me, but for reasons we don't totally understand, it can be really bad for you. Mommy is going to be doing all the things. You seem to be trucking right along with all this, too. However, feeling you move now is the most wonderful and simultaneously relieving feeling in the whole world. So I apologize now, that you will likely be born exhausted because I don't let you sleep for too long without pushing on your back just to feel you move. Your hiccups are everything to me, so you just keep hiccuping away. You've waited too long, and come too far to give up now. So, Miss Thing 2, please hang in there. Your Mommy and Da-da can't wait to see you in a few more days.
With all our Peace, Love, and Hope,
Your Mommy- Mary Katherine
