Thursday, July 31, 2014

It's Tricky, Tricky, Tricky!

So yeah...back at it with painted toes...

I just thought I was a big wuss, when it came to "painless" procedures involving catheters being inserted through my cervix, but as I nearly lurched off the table, Dr. D explained that I had a very mobile uterus, and a very narrow and stiff cervix which "is a difficult combination." So when I say it feels like they are sticking a sharpened pencil up my cervix, I'm sorta justified...maybe...

Long story-short it's done. I have no fibroids! So the inside of my uterus is "baby friendly". Our next step is to rough it up so more lining accumulates. I will have not one, but 2/dos/a couple/a pair, double endometrial biopsies done in the next two weeks consecutively. Yes 2, and I'm hating my life thinking about it right now... 

Just thinking about having sex and getting have no idea how nice you have it! This is....well less fun than a lot... It's frustrating because the cramping doesn't just last "thirty minutes". It's off and on for the rest of the day and my cervix hurts for the next couple. Who feels their cervix? Apparently me...

Oh, and my narrow cervix has bought me another procedure. Because they can't use a tenaculum (sharp spiky forcep looking thing to hold a cervix in place) for an embryo transfer because it will cause cramping, I get to have stitch placed in my cervix a few days before the transfer so Dr. D can use that to stabilize my cervix. He can't do it the day of because it may guessed it, cramping.

I'm clearly a little bitter...but I'm very fortunate to have this guy to pamper me and be by my side every step of the way!
Well, here's hoping the next two weeks fly by, and I don't kick Dr. D! 

Peace, love, and one biopsy at a time...

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Two weeks of torture to commence...

No we aren't waiting for pregnancy test results...we are just waiting to go through all the testing in which they determine if my uterus is healthy enough to carry a pregnancy.  It's about as much fun as it sounds.  This Thursday, they are going to blow my uterus up like a balloon with saline, and next Thursday they are going to pinch off a piece of my endometrium to make it extra tacky for my embryo.

I'm not near as excited/motivated/anxious as I thought I would be.  I'm just resigned and scared.  Not of the testing...they never find anything wrong with me...Just not sure I'm woman enough to brave another failure/negative result.

UGH...I hate infertility...I hate everything that goes with it and, I really hate all this lead up before the biggest let-down of my life.


But what if it's not a let down?  Dare I dream?

Peace, Love, and Someone Needs A Nap...

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Vacation Blues

For most people, I would imagine packing for the beach does not seem such an arduous chore. I should be happy and grateful I get to go on vacation, and I enjoy it when I get there, but the packing...

Summer of 2010 and 2011, BJ and I were always like, 'this will be our last vacation without a baby!!!' My heart would swell, and I could not wait to struggle figuring out how to put a Pack & Play a stroller and the other 1/3 of Babies R' Us in our car on top of our stuff.  And every following year, I'd be disappointed. I'm so ready to share my love of the sun, water and sand with the next generation.  I'm ready to start new family traditions.

Yet once again, we head to the beach as a 2-person family unit.  No car seats, Pack & Plays, strollers, iddy bitty bathing suits, car tantrums, just...BJ and I.

The Pollyanna in me wants to scream this is it, this is your last summer vacation with no children, but the realist in me is very much aware that nothing is guaranteed to us. That makes me sad. We can only hope, which is what we always do, but I've learned that hope can be a real mean bitch if you try to give her deadlines.

I have no idea how this will turn out.  I know that right now we have 2 "excellent" quality embryos frozen and waiting.  I know that being frozen is not living, but it's not being dead, either.  I know that I'm currently growing pretty miserable everyday with my endometriosis, even with birth control pills, and that scares me.  What kind of environment can I possibly provide that would not harm them if I can't make it through the grocery store without ditching my cart and running to the bathroom?  All these things swirl in my head.

For this one week however, the only thing I'm going to swirl is a glass...and the Atlantic can swirl around my toes.

I have no clue what the tide will bring for us, but it will continue to ebb and flow and will be here waiting for us next year no matter how many failures, successes, or challenges we face in the coming weeks.  Perhaps, it's just a matter of  focusing on the consistencies I do have.

Peace, Love, and Saltwater,