Sunday, October 12, 2014


Well, days continue to pass, and it looks like life is continuing to happen whether I rejoin the living or not.  I'm not totally ready to rejoin and commit to life as we know it.  I evert my gaze anytime I see a stroller.  I ignore babies.  I hide in bathrooms and cry.  Occasionally,  I let the pain overwhelm me as it comes crushing down on my chest. I refuse to go out in public. I hide in oversize clothes as if they'll protect me from the barrage of "What did you expect?" and "Why don't you just adopt?". 

Other times I pretend I'm strong. The whole "fake it till you make it." Although, you'd know I'm faking because I'm not brave enough to try to wear contacts just yet.  That's always the dead giveaway.  

There are tons of books about infertility and how if you "hang in there" you'll get your happy ending. What they don't tell you is how to gracefully navigate through the infinite disappointment to find hope again.  They tell you to hold on to hope.  We do, then we lose our grasp and cling to whatever far off possibility we can find, only to find ourselves in the exact same situation...just that much further from hope and that much closer to despair. 

Sometimes I wish infertility was a terminal disease just so I know it would end. I have no plans for a life without children and as long as there is a chance, I cannot accept giving up.  I wish someone would tell me that I had to have a hysterectomy, and I just wish I knew how the story was going to end.  To the point that I don't even care how if I just knew this pain would be finite.  Where there are answers, there is peace.  Any answer...

Instead, we have to endure this pain, once again.  We have to fight our way back passed the existing mode and back into "living" mode.  Pretend we are ok with life the way it is in a world where 93% of people do not have the slightest clue.  Devise yet another plan, put ourselves at risk for a chance of our greatest joy or another round of absolute heartbreak and devastation.  

Right now we are just pursuing healing.  Trying to restore our strength so we can fake it through another day, week, month, year or years until we can have a family of our own.  Honestly, that's all it is.  Faking it in a world where precious few understand how difficult it is to not be able to do the one thing you were biologically designed for and your heart desired so much.

Peace, Love, and Pretend,

Friday, October 3, 2014


That's over.

I am not pregnant.  Even after using a healthy embryo.  Even after having more side effects from the hormones than I ever have had.  I wish I could understand why, how, and what happened, but we don't and won't ever know for certain.  There was only a 50% chance as with every other frozen embryo transfer performed with a day 5 blast.  However I seem to on the losing side of these statistics no matter what we do.

I have an appointment with Donesky on Thursday.  We have another embryo.  We have options, still, but none of that takes away the disappointment or the pain in the immediate moments.

We keep "pulling out all the stops", and none of it seems to really matter.  I don't know why.  I hate not knowing.  I hate being told "there is no reason you aren't conceiving" when here I am inconceivably not pregnant.

Well, let the healing begin...

Peace, Love, and Onwards and Upwards.