Tuesday, August 13, 2013

"It's Awful"

"It's awful." - Jimmy Fallon when speaking about dealing with infertility.

It does sum it up nicely.  It's not something I'd wish on my worst enemy. It's certainly not easy.  If anyone watched the True Life:  I'm Desperate to Have a Baby episode, it was a fair attempt to try to follow some relatable, non-celebrity folk through the difficulties of infertility.  But there is no possible way to wrap up years of struggle into an hour long episode and really understand how painful and desperate it is.  I've been reading Chris and Candace's blog, Our Misconception, the couple whose cycle did not take on the True Life episode, and you cannot even begin to imagine all the difficulties they went through for that cycle even though it was being documented by MTV the whole time.  Or all their difficulties before and new difficulties they are facing now as they continue on their quest to become parents.  Infertility is not simple, it's awful.

I can't thank Jimmy Fallon enough for his short, honest response.  Too often we get the post-baby sugar-coated 'we tried for years but with a good attitude and lots of prayer our dreams were finally answered.'

Well, shit.  How in the hell do you have a good attitude about having one of life's most basic properties denied to you?  I mean I can take 3 shots a day and not complain, be hopeful, pray every spare second I have and even when I don't have spare moments, and appreciate the opportunity to go through fertility treatments, not ruin other's baby showers, and love on my friend's children...but that is between the breakdowns, the hours of sobbing on the bathroom floor, the physical pain of endometriosis, the self-deprecating thoughts, the doubt, the questioning of God's plans, the stress on your marriage, the financial toil, the strange diets, the odd schedules, having to plan socializing against treatment cycles, the vitamin cocktails that have to be taken at all sorts of times, the anxiety of it all, the fear of loss, and the actual losses.

I don't like being different in this way.  I don't like not being able to have children. I don't appreciate being asked when I'm going to have children.  I don't like not being included in the "adult conversations" because I would never understand what it's like to have kids.  Or I wouldn't understand the expenses of children, because I'm sure figuring out how to pay for fertility treatments at costs of $15,000 a month simply can't compare to the cost of diapers and childcare.  I don't like being told that I'm trying too hard, thinking about it too much, and not recognizing that 'it's just not my time.'  I don't like being told that I should adopt, because "wouldn't it be simpler?" or even better "I know someone who got pregnant after they adopted." AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I think it's fair to assume most people you meet will not have difficulty starting a family, thankfully! But I urge you to use caution when asking about their family plans, anyway.  You know, not once when we've been told "God has other plans..." or "It's not God's time for you," have any of those people offered to pray for us.  I just find that odd...living in the Bible Belt and all...You'd be astonished at how many people I've met online have been told that their infertility is atonement for their or their family's sins.  Fortunately, we've never been told this to our face...

Time Magazine published this article about Jimmy Fallon and pointed out how it was ok in Hollywood to talk about your alcoholism, drug or sex addiction but admitting to the fact you used an egg donor is taboo.  Honestly, ask yourself how so many actresses get pregnant in their 40s?  I'm not saying it can't happen, but for women holding SAG cards and the ability to conceive in your 40s seems to be much higher than for average non-SAG card holding American women...

It IS awful.  Again, I can't thank people like Chris and Candace, and Jimmy Fallon, for standing up for our minority and breaking the silence that we've been expected to suffer in. Since when does not being the norm or not making up the majority of the population mean we deserve less consideration?

Peace, Love, and Dr. Seuss,


  1. Thanks for your awesome words! The rest of us in this painful community appreciate all who share their stories and feelings! Good luck and God bless <3

  2. It is awful, so horribly, all-consumingly awful. I have everything crossed that this next cycle will work out for you guys xx.

  3. I think you summed it up very well. I was nodding the whole time. It's okay to not have a good attitude - ask my husband I did not have a good attitude (and sometimes still don't - LOL). I am post-infertility, well post-primary-infertility, and I really try not to sugar coat it. While going through our infertility and getting treatments we were 'essentially' in the closet, but now I'm starting to come out to educate our family and friends about infertility. Anyway, I wanted to send you a virtual hug!