Thursday, September 26, 2013

Beginning of the end...of nursing school

I don't talk about nursing school so much...It's not that interesting for the most part...
Sleep, class, clinical, study, take a test repeat...and weekends?  That term no longer has significance to me, as I'm likely to be in clinical or doing my preceptorship.  But I'm quickly approaching the end of this cycle and possibly replacing it with the hope, try, cry, almost die one.  In fact, I only have 56 more days of academic-type stuff (sheesh, I gotta lot of papers to write in 56 days...urgh...) and 78 days before it's officially over, I'm getting nervous.

I still have so much to do, like get hired, successfully navigate through orientation, and become competent at my job.

And I don't know what my life will be like past 2.5 months from now.  Will I have a job?  Where will the job be? When will I be working? How will fertility treatments and a nursing career work? Do BJ and I still want to go through fertility treatments?  Are we ready to just adopt?  Would we even make it through a home study with that damn glass coffee table I love so much?  Or maybe I haven't processed my own internal struggles with infertility enough...What if Emma hates the social worker?  What if the social worker hates us?  I think I already do.  I mean the thought of someone determining whether I would be a fit parent while we have an entire NICU in our area devoted to newborns withdrawing from drugs their mothers took...That's just one of the many big, bitter adoption pills I'll have to swallow.

I've nary a clue, and if you know me at all, I love this about as much as I love being infertile...

The scary thing is how much I've enjoyed the peace of not spending every waking moment lusting, toiling, trying and crying over conceiving.  Does that mean I don't care anymore?  Does that mean I'm ready to say I can live child-free?  I don't immediately break into tears when I think about that, anymore...what does that mean?

I'm scared.  That is all, just scared...Or maybe I'm just sad that it's almost time to hit the play button and finding out that the end of this movie is of me failing.

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear." ~C.S. Lewis

Peace, Love, & A Healthy Dose of Fear,

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