I am officially done with all of my classes. I have 6 tests left, not including the NCLEX. Basically for me, nursing school is OVER! It's been nice already to have a taste of life before nursing school, before infertility treatments, before I worked nonstop, and before BJ and I were desperately seeking baby and just being us. It's been blissful this past week and weekend.
Isn't bliss the word people use to describe holding their newborn child? It's a word I've been afraid to use and ashamed to use because I haven't had that moment. Yet I feel it when my cat, Gaius, cuddles his head into my chin and falls asleep, purring on my chest. I feel bliss when my pup, Emma Grace rests her head in my lap. I love being entrusted with their care. I know they are not a substitute, but I love them as much as I can. I'd be devastated if I lost one...not to mention heart-broken. Is it possible that this is all I need?
I don't know where I'm at mentally as far as "trying again." When I first started nursing school I was counting down the days until we could try again... Now I'm just literally counting down the days until hazing (aka nursing school) is officially over. I can't recall a specific day that I woke up and didn't feel that aching desire, but it happened. All I know, is that I want the freedom of not being in nursing school. I want to enjoy my life with my husband. I want to enjoy my new career and all the people I will meet. I want to really enjoy life for a bit.
For a while, I couldn't decipher if this meant I wanted children, just liked the idea of having children, or was over the idea of parenting completely. So, I asked BJ if he still wanted to have children, and he responded, "Don't you?"
I did. I recall discussing wanting to have 2 children during our premarital counseling and Father Jay giving us the percentage of households that wanted 2 but had 3 children (it was pretty high). But this was all before I got to the point that I didn't care for anything but conceiving my own child.
I don't think I can separate that burning, heart-aching desperation, from wanting to be a parent. It's like I can't be happy and want children at the same time because I know I can't conceive.
I know I am capable of being a good wife, a good nurse, a good person, but I can't conceive. I can't; it's OK you don't have to preach that no one knows that for sure or that I have a 2 percent chance, blah, blah...but similar to a person diagnosed with a terminal illness, eventually they have to accept the inevitable. I don't think that means they don't pray for a miracle, but they come to terms with the reality of their situation.
I know I can live without children, so how do I justify reliving the pain of failed infertility treatments?
As the holidays creep upon us, as the 2nd anniversary of my miscarriage looms, and as I stroll through the toy department of our local Wal-Mart I have this tugging sensation. I want to build legos with my babe. BJ and I loved legos as children, and I want to share that. It's not just the newborn, or the bliss, it's everything that fits in-between. Yet, I have no clue how to get there.
One of the first questions on the adoption applications is "Why do you want to be a parent?" I have no clue how to answer it. I want children. Everything I think of is selfish. I want to raise them, I want to play with them, I want to take care of them, nurture them, teach them to be responsible contributing adults...I, I, I... It seems like an overwhelming question with no right answer. I'm pretty sure it's not on the list of things your OB asks you when you go in for your first prenatal appointment, yet if nobody likes our answer, BJ and I don't get to have children. No pressure, right?
I still don't really know what road to children we are going to take, but I know it's going to restart December 9th, with our first appointment with our reproductive endocrinologist, Dr. D. We aren't making any definite decisions one way or the other until we have our bases covered. We just want to ask questions and be informed of our options. It's been over a year (well, 2 now) since we've had any testing, so we have to start basically from scratch. I've aged, I've been diagnosed with migraines that I take anti-seizure meds for, and interstitial cystitis and take meds to control that. It may not be as simple as it was when I began 4 years ago...I may need to taper off these medications over days or months, have another surgery or forgo any chance of pregnancy and move on to adoption.
Maybe this acceptance of my situation is a good thing. If we never have children, I'll live. If we adopt, I'll live. If we adopt an embryo, and it does or doesn't work, I'll live. If we use an egg donor, I'll live. So pretty much as long as I don't end up with ovarian cancer or some other unpredictable life-threatening event, I'm going to live. I'm still going to be a good person, good wife, good nurse. All we have to do is explore our options and make a plan.
BJ and I have everything to look forward to in front of us, and nothing is gonna stop us...
Peace, love, and bliss,