Rebuilding

I think I'm finding myself again.  It's been pretty awful at times, but it's also been normal at other times.  People want you to just be fixed, but that is a little much to ask, so I just expect myself to function, and that seems to be working.  I end up enjoying most of my days without having the pressure of having to be "happy."  It's too much to expect everyone to be happy all the time, especially when recuperating from a failed cycle and, lest we forget, still facing childlessness while the rest of the world populates.

I think I'm out of despair, and in the "angrily accepting" stage of grief.  I've had a couple of "Have you thought about adopting?" and "How many children do you have?" and the ever famous "My brother's friend's cousin's sister-in-law went through 'all that' and she finally adopted and 4 months later she was pregnant with perfect identical twins which she gave birth to at home with a midwife, flowers, and unicorns,"  (I may have embellished that last one a bit..) in the last couple of weeks.

Someone asked me the other day if I'd ever tried Clomid...after I'd talked about having IVF.  Don't piss on me and tell me it's raining!  Why did you let me waste my breath if you think Clomid is the cure-all for infertility???? 

I also love loathe any sentence that starts with "Have you thought about..."  All I do is think, and ask, and pray, and hope and plead for guidance. Honestly, you telling me about how your kin-folk "quit trying" and got pregnant doesn't inspire hope, it quite honestly inspires more emotional pain and despair. Because it is physiologically impossible for me to conceive my own child.  No...don't say, "but miracles happen." Hell, how anyone conceives is a miracle! Miracles happen for people who are not quite as infertile as maybe they were thought to be, but it's just not going to happen for me, because I am barren. So barren that I am officially being treated for menopause.  As in my ovaries have said 'nope, no mas, we are taking early retirement'.  Help me retain my acceptance, and don't make me feel like I've given up too soon.

Especially when giving up is the total opposite of what we are doing.  We've got some obstacles to face before we can try again, and we want to give ourselves enough time to build back up our emotional stamina. Not to mention, we don't want to ruin anymore holidays with another memory of loss.

So I guess the theme of this blog is we're ok, and for now that's enough.  We can live a life without joy. We can enjoy things, people, places and moments.  We can make do with what we have, but we can't expect to experience joy...and that's ok.  Not everyone has a perfect life, and not everyone who makes decision A will get outcome B.  No matter how much they want it.  BJ and I continue to weigh each decision we make and choose a path that will give us the closure we need, regardless of the outcome.

Peace, Love, and Kubler-Ross,
Mary Katherine