Friday, April 11, 2014

Smell of Fear

Maybe it's the class I took on miscarriages and stillbirths...
Maybe it's because we're closer to trying to procreate than we've been in a long time...

but I'm scurred...

I'm really scared of not getting pregnant.  I'm scared of having no embryos to freeze.  I'm scared I can't handle any more bad outcomes. I'm scared of disappointment, which seems to be the only thing I've been guaranteed when it comes to reproduction.

But it's a double edged sword.  I'm scared of not trying.  I'm scared of looking back and thinking "what if".  I'm scared of never hearing a child call my husband "Daddy."  I'm scared of never giving my parents grandchildren.  I'm scared of looking into that empty spare bedroom and having to make it into something other than a nursery...and pretending to be okay with that decision for the rest of my life.
I'm afraid that I'll never be anybody's "Mama".

Unfortunately, I've been dealt a crap hand when it comes to fertility. I can only work with the cards I've been given.  That's really all any of us can do no matter the situation.  Play or fold.  Up to now, I've felt pretty good, but as reality sets in, and I really look at my hand, I know there is a 50% chance that this won't work, either.

My dilemma is how do I balance the happiness that I feel when there is hope, with the reality that there may very well be more disappointment ahead?

Living in the moment...Much easier to say, than to actually put into practice. But I can't live already defeated.  I tried that...and it was absolutely miserable.

So for now, I will try to keep smiling and appreciate that everyone in my house can use the potty where they are supposed to...mostly (well, when they are not punishing us for whatever indiscretion that causes cats to not use their well-maintained litter box).

I can be happy that for now, I have a lot to look forward to over the next few months.  We are taking more steps to help us find a conclusion to our quest for spawn.  We are happy with the choices we have made thus far.  And we have an exciting summer of shenanigans to look forward to on top of it all!

Peace, Love, and More Shenanigans...Less Worry,


  1. XOXO Here's hoping that quest is close to over! Balancing hope and reality is always a challenge. BUT like you said, the other way to live is miserable. Much love and prayers your way!

  2. Hello,
    I am a psychologist and a blogger ( I am currently conducting a survey of bloggers who post about pregnancy, fertility, adoption, pregnancy loss, and parenting. I would like to extend an invitation for you to complete the brief survey found here:
    (I am very sorry to leave this in a comment like a spammer!)
    Thank you so much!
    Dr. Grumbles