Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Playing with Fire

As the bills begin to roll in and the appointment schedule gets narrowed down I realized our "break" from treatments is officially over.  I thought I'd be more ready to come out of the box swinging, but it feels more like walking into the lions' den.

Call me a defeatist, a pessimist, a negative Nancy, but until you've been on the other side of the phone where you get the answer to whether or not the last several months spent dieting, abstaining, praying, medicating, 15,000 dollars cash, and all your hopes and dreams not to mentions your families' hopes culminate with the answer in a single lab value that goes in the wrong direction...Until you've known the pain of simply drawing in that first breath after the words "I'm so sorry, but it looks like you are not pregnant, " or worse "Well, you are pregnant, but you are losing the baby."  You simply cannot judge.

I so desperately want to have children, yet not get my hopes up.   I want to enjoy my life the way it is, but there is definitely always an elephant in the room.  I want Emma Grace to chase a toddler.  I want my cats to have something else to loathe.  I want my parents and in-laws to be grandparents.  I want to move on with my life and on to other pursuits mainly being a mother...

We've never had much luck with fertility treatments.  We've had 47 negative outcomes and 1 positive that turned negative within days.  So it's easy to understand why I might be a little hesitant.  But as a patient of mine reminded me, that one measly positive puts us at a much better chance of carrying a pregnancy than if we'd never conceived at all.  Which is to say...I guess we better give it the old college try...

As one of the famous philosophers of our age, Alecia Moore, wrote:
Where there is desire there is gonna be a flame. Where there is a flame someone's bound to get burned. Just because it burns doesn't mean you're gonna die.  [You] gotta get up and try...
(FYI Alecia Moore is AKA Pink)

So try, BJ and I will.  We'll try something different because we aren't insane, but I can't say I have all the boundless hope and optimism I did going into our first IVF cycle.  It's more like 'Meh, we'll see.' The first step will be actually getting healthy embryos to the blastocyst stage and freezing them.  If that happens...I can relax again and enjoy the rest of my summer before the torture resumes at the end of it...but like I said, IF we get to that stage...IF...

Peace, Love, and Playing with Fire,

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