Thursday, May 15, 2014

Silence is Golden

So a few weeks past was National Infertility Awareness Week, and usually I blog, use the badge, and write about something they suggest we write about while crying, 'woe is me and nobody understands'. 

This year the theme was "Resolve to Know More About..." and then there were options; a.) infertility advocacy, b.) infertility as a disease, c.) family building options, etc.

So I thought about the advocacy topic actually for a from the beginning of April because I'm beginning to be an old hand at this stuff, but nothing really inspired me. I mean so far wanting to learn more about advocacy through Resolve has just resulted in getting emails asking if I can drop everything I'm doing next week and go to D.C. Well, I'm just not in a place in my life where that is plausible, practical, or possible. 

As for the other topics...believe me...I am VERY AWARE of infertility as a disease.  I live it, breathe it, feel it, manage medication for it, and am reminded by the empty bedroom next to ours every day of my life. I don't want to know anymore about it. I sure as Hell don't want to blog about it.  I want to drink Margaritas with my toes in the sand. I want to live!

Look! I'm living!
Then there was Mother's/Poor Salt on Infertile Women's Wounds Day, and I had my moments, but as I was with a group of 4 other women on a beach vacation who are mom's to some of the most adorable children you've ever seen and who could have been no more gracious to me, I got to celebrate my first Mother's Day.  Honestly, it felt a little fraudulent.  I kept apologizing to BJ for having to include me, but he kept telling me, I was and will be a mother even if it had only been for 4 days. It's seriously a hard day.  It didn't used to be, but that whole "it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" does not always ring true.

I used to believe everything would work out the way I wanted it to, which is to say that in vitro would work for us, because I hoped, prayed, was a good person, and therefore deserved that it would.  In that sense there was no need to be sad on Mother's Day because eventually I would be one with legit living children.  Not just pictures of cells that, while full of beautiful potential, only a mother can really appreciate. 

I'm sad on Mother's Day because I realize now that all the goodness, love, prayer, hope, fortitude, does not guarantee success.  I am sad because I could not keep the child/children that were inside me for those 4 short days alive.  I am sad because I am not sure I will ever have my own child to hold. 

I'm also very much in love with my life.  I'm in love with my husband, and I'm beginning to see the other side of this mountain.  As much as it hurts to think about life without children, it's a distinct possibility that I've started to think about everyday. 

As I blissfully gazed into the moon over the water with my husband holding me, I kept thinking 'We're going to be ok.'  We are so small and the world is so beautiful. No matter what happens, the two of us are going to be ok. 

Peace, Love, and Sand in your Toes,

PS I'd like to thank our personal paparazzo, Erin, for the candid photos.  

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