Thursday, July 10, 2014

Vacation Blues

For most people, I would imagine packing for the beach does not seem such an arduous chore. I should be happy and grateful I get to go on vacation, and I enjoy it when I get there, but the packing...

Summer of 2010 and 2011, BJ and I were always like, 'this will be our last vacation without a baby!!!' My heart would swell, and I could not wait to struggle figuring out how to put a Pack & Play a stroller and the other 1/3 of Babies R' Us in our car on top of our stuff.  And every following year, I'd be disappointed. I'm so ready to share my love of the sun, water and sand with the next generation.  I'm ready to start new family traditions.

Yet once again, we head to the beach as a 2-person family unit.  No car seats, Pack & Plays, strollers, iddy bitty bathing suits, car tantrums, just...BJ and I.

The Pollyanna in me wants to scream this is it, this is your last summer vacation with no children, but the realist in me is very much aware that nothing is guaranteed to us. That makes me sad. We can only hope, which is what we always do, but I've learned that hope can be a real mean bitch if you try to give her deadlines.

I have no idea how this will turn out.  I know that right now we have 2 "excellent" quality embryos frozen and waiting.  I know that being frozen is not living, but it's not being dead, either.  I know that I'm currently growing pretty miserable everyday with my endometriosis, even with birth control pills, and that scares me.  What kind of environment can I possibly provide that would not harm them if I can't make it through the grocery store without ditching my cart and running to the bathroom?  All these things swirl in my head.

For this one week however, the only thing I'm going to swirl is a glass...and the Atlantic can swirl around my toes.

I have no clue what the tide will bring for us, but it will continue to ebb and flow and will be here waiting for us next year no matter how many failures, successes, or challenges we face in the coming weeks.  Perhaps, it's just a matter of  focusing on the consistencies I do have.

Peace, Love, and Saltwater,

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