Wednesday, September 14, 2011

I am infertile, hear me roar!

[That was my roar...It's my favorite word, after all (Sorry Mom, but it is...).]

Yes, it's a fact.  BJ and I have unexplained infertility.

Wait a minute!  You said you had endometriosis and BJ had mighty morphan sperm...or whatever...

True and true, but neither of them are significant enough to explain the problems we had with our embryos. Any-some-how, it's where we are.  It's what I am...unexplained...although lots of people would probably have said that about me before Dr. D did.

I got some more blood drawn, because I had some free time on my hands, and I hadn't been to the fertility clinic in almost a week... I'm kidding, but I did have a thyroid panel run for fun and giggles...and possibilities.  It's past all it's previous tests, and I would suspect it would still be fine, but you just never know.

I also started acupuncture again, because I'm addicted to needles. So I have a new acupuncturist with a new philosophy and a travel schedule that is less demanding.  I already feel better because he's just as much of a philosopher as he is a healer.  He asked some hard questions.  "When are you going to stop?"  "What if you never get pregnant?" "What if you never have children?"

I can't answer a single one of those questions because I'm scared shitless.  That was my 'aha' moment. Sure I'm sad that it didn't work, but I can try again.  I'm scared to pieces of it not working, of not having children, yadda, yadda...What I realized, today, though, is that I'm completely consumed by fear.  When you are buying organic, $1.05 a serving yogurt at the grocery store and have a mini-meltdown because you think of all the crack-addicts that get pregnant, you realize that this stuff is starting to get to you.

So my project for the next little while is to accept my fear and start enjoying my life again.  I'm doing all these things to have a baby, but really I need to do it for myself and let the baby come when and how it's going to.  I can't just talk the talk and go through the motions, I have to do these things with the right frame of mind.  Instead of being angry at my body for it's failures, I need to accept it for where it is.  We've gone through a lot together...and all-in-all, it's held up pretty well.  I bounced back from ACL reconstruction on either knee, I was running and exercising less than a week after my laparoscopy...I've been pretty darn healthy.  So it's just this one thing that I've not been able to do on my schedule.  I have got to forgive myself of that and remember that I'm making these changes for me and that is enough.  The rest of the time I need to live. Not just countdown the days until my next IVF cycle.

So, SHIT, this sucks, but I'm not going to sit here and let infertility steal any more of the good things happening in my life.  Infertility is a thief and will take anything it can.  Your marriage, your happiness, your ability to be happy for other people, whatever you let it have it's gonna take.  Well, shit!  I'm going to take it back.

Peace, Love and Merde, (SORRY MOM...again)



  1. Welcome back, love. We've missed you. And we're here to help you take it back if you need us.

  2. I'm with my mom. Love you soooooo much, girl! I'll help you kick fear's ass anyday!