Thursday, September 29, 2011


My homework assignment...

1. When will you stop?

When Dr. D and possibly a second opinion suggest we do so.  I don't want ovarian cancer any more than I want to live child-free.  I know people think we're crazy, or even worse, when they tell us, "Maybe it's God telling you to adopt." My reply, "God bless you, but **** off."  (OK, so only in my head...)  It's not about you or what you think you know. Right now, I'm as young and healthy as I'm going to be for the rest of my life. Let's take advantage of it.  Dr. D thinks it's totally possible for us to have our own baby and we're trying lots of new stuff.  So my final answer to this is...Why give up?

2.  What if you never get pregnant?
Remain continent and not have to wear funny looking pants? I guess that's when we look more seriously into adoption.  Sure I'll be extremely sad to never have that experience.  Everything from hearing a heartbeat for the first time, feeling the baby kick, and actually having something big enough to see on an ultrasound will be a hard experience for me to lose.  There's a ton of stupid little things, too.  For instance, friends throwing a baby shower for you which is a kinda selfish thing to want to experience, but still, it's part of the experience. I want to be able to laugh at how nervous BJ was on the way to the hospital.  I want to see if he really will pass out. If a pregnancy doesn't happen, I'll hurt, but I know I'll survive. I seem to manage these situations somehow, some way, and occasionally with a little help.  It's not going to be an easy thing to accept by any means, but in then end...I want to be someone's mother.  If it is meant to be for me to adopt, then it is meant to be.  God, BJ and I will come to that decision together.

3.  What if you never have children?
I will have a huge void in my life.  I'll have to find a way to fill it.  It's still too hard for me to think about not fulfilling this dream.  I guess we could travel, but it just doesn't thrill me like the idea of being a parent.  I must say I'm still really lost on this one because I've not thought about actually living a "child free" life.  I can't imagine a world where BJ will never get to be a father.  I can't look at our little Emma Grace and not think about a toddler tugging her ears and tail, and Emma Grace just loving it. (No attention is bad attention for E.G.) It's a ways off before we have to make this decision. So I'm not going to spend time spinning my wheels because you just never know.

What have I learned from this?

I don't feel hopeless anymore.
I am stronger than I give myself credit for.
I am not near as scared as I thought I was.
I have an amazing family already.  Surely, there is a little soul that would like to join our chaos.
You get a discount on the 2nd round of IVF at my clinic.
Bromocriptine can make you dizzy, but not dizzy enough to make me want to carpool at 6:30am.
BJ can now swallow really big pills.
Men CAN get baby fever (lotsa love to Reese and Teigan).
Dogs can take the same fish oil pills that their adoptive parents take.  (The family that takes vitamins together...)


So this is my normal now.  I'm back to getting regular emails and phone calls from the fertility clinic.  The last one being focused on trying to figure out when I can start Lupron.  It went like this...

Nurse:  What day of your cycle did you ovulate this month?
MK:  21st
Nurse:  Hmm.  We will probably start your Lupron early, then.
MK:  This may be a stupid question. Now that I know enough to be dangerous, will the follicle (cyst on my ovary that normally would release an egg) that was developing dissipate when I start Lupron?
Nurse:  No, probably not. We may have to drain it.  We do it all the time.  It's a simple procedure that doesn't require anesthesia.
MK:  Of course it doesn't.
Nurse: [Laughing].  Well, what's one more needle at this point?

Ah, the thrill of fertility treatments...

Peace, Love, and Balls that are Rolling,

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