Monday, June 25, 2012

This is What Happens...

...when you have more time than you wanted thanks to infertility... I wrote the following letters to our dear friend that is house sitting for us when we go on vacation next week.

Here is the letter from our golden retriever, Emma Grace:

Dear Uncle B,
Thank you so much for staying with me while Mommy and Daddy run away.  We will have so much fun together, and I will be so happy.  I will be sad that Mommy and Daddy are gone, but happy you are here. Happy, sad, happy, sad.  I like you, but I digress...


Mommy and Daddy told me I should tell you what I like and need.  I said, "Everything!", but they said I needed to be more specific about what I need while they are runned away.  Mommy and Daddy said you have to "work" during the day.  I would like to come with you.  I'm a good helper!  What you mean, "That's not gonna happen?"  Sad...  Oh, hi! Over it...


So I want to be near you when you sleep, beside the bed, on the bed, in the bed...whatever you are comfortable with.  Mommy and Daddy close the gate in the hallway because I make "bad decisions" sometimes when given free access to the house.  Typically they don't let me go in the other rooms, either.


In the sunshine time, Mommy or Daddy, take me out to the backyard so I can potty.  Sometimes, I don't like to go because I want to be with you, but then I forget.  Sometimes I don't go potty right away, so Daddy potties outside and reminds me.  This helps...Will you go potty outside with me?  I play in backyard while they go swimming inside.  They come get me after they are all wet, and I hang out with them while they put their furs on.  I like to watch Ann Curry.  She pretty...


Mommy and Daddy say I have to stay in my kitchen when you go "work."  I have a laundry basket full of toys that hangs out on the dining room end of the kitchen or in the dining room.  I will be very happy if you check that I have it with me in my kitchen after the gates are closed.  Mommy and Daddy check the counter tops for things that I cannot have.  Sometimes I get upset and like to have things that I'm not supposed to have...I do not mean to do bad things but sometimes it happens.  So, if you like something, don't leave it on the counter...I can reach far...


Mommy or Daddy fills up my bowls with kibble and water. (Not in the same bowl, but each in their own bowl.)  Daddy plays the radio for me.  I like Star 102.1.  Katy Perry pretty...Sometimes Mommy and Daddy throw a few Milkbones around for me to find.  I like Milkbones...


I can go all day without potty break, but I will miss you tons and tons.  If you would like to come home for lunch, I will babysit you.  Just let me out in the yard for a bit and then I come back and sit on the couch with you.  You pet me.  I love you.  If you don't mind to refresh my food and water supply if needed I would be much obliged.  I like Milkbones...


When you come back from work I will be so proud, happy, and give you hugs.  I go out and potty or you can take me for a walk.  I would love to go for a run with you and can go about 3 miles now if it's not too hot.  I love to swim.  I swim every day.  Every day I swim.  You can swim with me.  I will swim with you.  Once or twice while Mommy and Daddy are runned away I will need you to clean my ears.  This is an unlike for me.  I will cringe and cower, but it does not hurt.  Just squeeze some goo in my ears, rub them, and then runned away because I will shake my head.


Oh, and other medicine I may need.  My allergies make me itchy, so sometimes if I'm really itchy Mommy and Daddy give me 3 Benadryl tablets in a spoonful of peanut butter.  I like my medicine so much that sometimes Mommy and Daddy just give me peanut butter if I've been a super good girl.  Which I have been, so give me peanut butter, please!  If Benadryl does not seem to be enough, they have steroids I can take every other day.  I can take it with the Benadryl.  They make me nap real good.  I like peanut butter!


In the sun not shining time, I get one pouch of wet food in a different bowl or half a can of ALPO.  I love this very much.  I play hard but eventually wind down.  Sometimes you have to wake me up to go potty before you go to bed.


I go to Banfield Animal Hospital in PetSmart.  Mommy and Daddy said they would leave a credit card number for emergencies.  I love toys!  Is this an emergency?


I am a good helper, and I will help you around the house.  Mommy and Daddy water the ferns about 3x/week.  There is a water hose between the front porch and the garage.  I can go on a leash, but I also have a stake you can use if you stay in front yard and need both hands.  There is a plant on the deck that needs a cup full of water a day, too.  I will help you with that also.  I love to practice soccer, frisbee, and I have 66.67% of retrieving down pat.  I like Beggin' Strips...and Milkbones...and Peanut Butter...and Ice Cream!


Thank you again, Uncle B, for staying with me while I house sit for Mommy and Daddy.  I love you SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much!  I like Milkbones.


Love, 
Emma Grace


PS. I like Milkbones, Beggin Strips, Mommy, walks, Daddy, running, Uncle B, Frisbees, balls, swimming, peanut butter, kitties, ice cream and Milkbones.


It gets worse...This is a letter from our "Big-boned" cat, Gaius:

Dear Can Opener,
It has come to my attention that you will be temporarily, and I do mean temporarily, replacing our guardians, Mr. and Mrs. Roberts, for the week of June 30th  through July 6th in this the year of our Lord 2012.  I have spent the last four years of my wretched life training Mr. & Mrs. Roberts, so I do hope you learn quickly.  I will try my best to go easy on you if you displease me, but I cannot be expected to tolerate your ignorance for more than 5 seconds.  Am I clear?


My food bowl, there is to be food in it at all times, or I will bleed you.  This is not difficult.  Feed my brother, Lucifer, and I, and you will not be harmed.  If there is no food in our bowl...well, let's just not let that happen.  Our food bowls are to remain on top of the refrigerator away from the Goggy so she does not eat our food, and we do not have to dispose of her.  Conversely, if we choose to eat or drink her food and water, we may do so as we please.  Is this clear?  As much as I loathe Goggy, she does seem to keep Mr. and Mrs. Roberts out of our fur.


In the evening, preferably before you feed Goggy its gruel, you will give us our portion of canned food.  Lucifer and I split a quarter of a can.  You can give us more.  It pleases us when you do.  We also shall be given Temptations kitty treats.  I am to be given one more than Lucifer.  Do you understand?  I can count, and you will rue the day if I find out that Lucifer has been given more treats than I.  Is this clear?


Occasionally I will need a Swedish massage.  The times and places will be at my discretion.  I will assume the "Precious Kitty" position and you will rub my belly unless I bite your hand.  If I bite your hand, that means "no", or if I let you pet me for a while and then bite your hand, it means, "stop".  This will be my only form of communication with you.  At night, I may sleep with you, or I may not.  It's completely up to my discretion because ultimately I am the one with all the power.  I may let you pet me, but this is only as a reward for following my directions throughout the day.  The rest of the time you are to stay out of my fur and leave me be.  Is this clear?


Any further directions or communications can be made through my brother, Lucifer.  As long as you stay in compliance and keep the proper amount of food in our bowls you will not suffer any pain.  I do welcome you to our home, but I do not like you.  Are we clear?


Yours Truly,
Gaius Baltar


Oh, it's not over yet...our other cat Lucifer must say his peace also...

Dear Captor,
My dear brother, Gaius, has informed me of  your intention to reside, temporarily, with us.  This displeases me, but then again, much in life displeases me.  As you are well aware, we have remained in the captivity of Mr. and Mrs. Roberts for over four years.  I know, it disgusts me as well that my brother and I have had all our plans for escape thus far, thwarted.  One day...


My brother has also informed me that he has instructed you as to how to feed us.  Well, this is all well and good, sir, but you must remember that what goes in must come out.  We would request that you let us out of the house to use the facilities, but I would be a fool to think you were that stupid.  So we are forced to use our indoor outhouses.  We have 2 located upstairs.  One is in the Bonus room, and the other is in the guest bathroom.  Once a day, we expect that you scoop our $h!t.  Not doing so displeases me...


Just as you do with your own $h!t, you can flush it down the toilet.  We also have cat litter spray we expect you to use on the litter.  Just a couple of sprays does it.  Replace the lids and make sure the entrance/exit is turned where Goggy cannot get into it.  Honestly, I do not understand what Mr. and Mrs. Roberts see in that $h!t-eating, tail-wagging waste of protoplasm.  It displeases me...


Typically, I do not like to be touched.  Unless I give you explicit permission by sitting next to you on the couch do not bother me.  Do not confuse this act of affection with Stockholm Syndrome.  It is simply your reward for not displeasing me as much...


As part of the 12-step program for my recovery, I feel I should tell you that I am a rubber band addict.  I am approximately 12 days sober (Yes, I fell off the wagon recently. What of it?!), but I am now committed to a lifetime of sobriety.  It would be helpful if you were to remove any small rubbery object that I might swallow.  Since I am so newly sober (again), my sponsor, Goggy (I know...beggars can't be choosers), wants me to inform you of symptoms to look out for in case of an accidental overdose.  Refusal to eat, withdrawing, persistent vomiting are signs that I will need veterinary assistance.  My sponsor says you know where to take me.   Tell them I have a history of "pica" discreetly.  I do not need to be the subject of any more criminal investigations.  Most of the time however, I just vomit the forbidden object up, enjoy watching you writhe as you clean it up, and go on with my life as if nothing happened.  As long as I am eating, I am fine.  If I am not eating, then consider me displeased...


Only because I am up for a challenge, I will tell you to watch your back when you open doors to the outside.  As mentioned before, my brother and I have been trying to escape for years.  Typically, we stay by the house behind the bushes and surrender fairly quickly. I have been known to get trapped in our next door neighbors' backyard (the one without a cesspool).  This displeases me...


Lastly, between you and I, I am to be given Temptations kitty treats in the amount of whatever you give Gaius plus one.  Not receiving more than him...well it displeases me, and you do not want to displease me.  I think that this covers all pressing matters.


May you always live to serve me and my crown,
Lucifer


Yeah...so I'm quite pleased with myself...I wonder how you get to be a pet psychic...I think I've got a knack for it...

Peace, Love, and Yours Truly,
MK

4 comments:

  1. Does class start soon?

    ReplyDelete
  2. That was Paige being a smart-ass, btw. Sorry, but I thought I had signed it!
    Paige

    ReplyDelete