Wednesday, July 11, 2012

I don't know where I'm going, but I promise it won't be boring!

OK, so for a while now I've been thinking what should I do with this blog while we are on a baby-making hiatus? (Well, at least by artifcial means *wink, wink*.)  I've been looking at some blog challenges, but let's face it...I've blogged about long metal objects being shoved up my cervix.  I think we are a little beyond an acrostic for M-A-R-Y at this point.  Nor do I think anyone cares that my last meal if I were on death row would be Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup heated up by my mama.  (Nobody does it like my mama does it.)

I finally got a Pinterest account (I know, I'm always late to the scene. Story of my life!) Anyway, I'm obsessed. There is so much stuff and so many good ideas.  Even cooler, RESOLVE, the National Infertility Association, has it's own pinterest board with a lot of inspirational sayings and ideas that really hit home to the infertile-minded.  So, with all this inspiration, I came up with my own idea for a blog challenge...because once in a blue-freaking-moon I get all creative and such...

I've decided on a pinterest blogging challenge.  Pick a pin and talk about it!  Why is it significant?  How will it help BJ and/or I on our journey to parenthood? Some may be really short, and I think that is ok...some are totally random....I'm not sure how a picture of Damask cloth inspires a blogpost, but we'll work through the details of all that mumbo-jumbo later.  I'm just going to start with one of my boards and pick a pin.  Easy enough, right?  So here I go...

My mother has always said that I am, "certainly never boring", and I've accepted that this is probably my fate.  I will never quietly fit in with norms, even when I want to.  However, I always thought I knew where I was going, what I was doing, when I was doing it, how I was going to get there and what it would look like when I got there.  If infertility has taught me anything, it's that I do not have a %&*#ing clue!

As someone who tends toward the obsessive-compulsive personality type*, letting go seemed impossible.  It took a lot of change, and stripping away of all my plans to realize how much better life is when you just live it for this moment.  If there is any advice I can give to a fellow fertilly-challenged (I just made that word up because I'm amazing, and I can do that) person, it would be to just let go.  It's super scary, but it can let you live again and have a lot of fun, too. 

Letting go is not easy, but it does not mean quitting. It means just letting go of the idea of friskiness in bed sans the pill equals a baby. You and I, we just don't have that option. That does not mean we will never be parents (unless you make that choice). It does not mean you will never get to be a mother, father, co-parent, it just means that we have a different road to take. You can flagellate yourself for being on that road like I did, but, speaking from experience, it does not help. So now I'm choosing to strut down Infertility Lane with my pink sparkly pumps,

my head held high, and with BJ at my side in his bright pink bow tie.   

Letting go enables you to live your life in this moment, even when things seem impossible, beyond unfair, and make no sense what-so-ever.  Letting go has enabled me to not be bitter towards my friends who have beautiful babies.  It enables me to attend baby showers without ruining them for my friends.  I celebrate every conception, because I know how much of a miracle it really is.  I pray that my friends who are struggling get to their miracle before I do, because no one deserves this pain.  I have accepted that I have no clue when I will get to join my friends in Club Mama, and that is totally fine.  What they probably do not know, though, is that I'm studying them.  From every announcement to maternity picture and whatever other good ideas...I'm storing them away, because when it is my turn, it's going to be epic (Is epic still cool to say?...Whatever, it is if I said it!) My child is going to get the benefit of learning from some classy ladies as they figure out what works and what doesn't.  I am humble enough to appreciate that, and look forward to their help and guidance one day. 

Like I said, I'm clueless as to the how, when and what is going to make it happen.  I've let go of all of that and held on to the dream.  You know that saying...something about obstacles being in the way, or only seeing the obstacles when that is what you focus on, or somehow they, like, disappear or whatever if you keep your eye on the ball...err, well, you get the point...  All, I've got is a dream, and a rough sketch, and for now that is all I need.  It's time for me to let things fall in place at their appropriate time and not force it. I may be amazing, but I'm no god.  And however the plan unfolds, I promise it won't be boring!

Peace, Love, and Epic Non-Boringness,

*This is actually Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder, but I prefer to use the term type because, I feel like it shouldn't be a disorder to have high standards! ;)


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