I don't know where I'm going, but I promise it won't be boring!

OK, so for a while now I've been thinking what should I do with this blog while we are on a baby-making hiatus? (Well, at least by artifcial means *wink, wink*.)  I've been looking at some blog challenges, but let's face it...I've blogged about long metal objects being shoved up my cervix.  I think we are a little beyond an acrostic for M-A-R-Y at this point.  Nor do I think anyone cares that my last meal if I were on death row would be Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup heated up by my mama.  (Nobody does it like my mama does it.)

I finally got a Pinterest account (I know, I'm always late to the scene. Story of my life!) Anyway, I'm obsessed. There is so much stuff and so many good ideas.  Even cooler, RESOLVE, the National Infertility Association, has it's own pinterest board with a lot of inspirational sayings and ideas that really hit home to the infertile-minded.  So, with all this inspiration, I came up with my own idea for a blog challenge...because once in a blue-freaking-moon I get all creative and such...

I've decided on a pinterest blogging challenge.  Pick a pin and talk about it!  Why is it significant?  How will it help BJ and/or I on our journey to parenthood? Some may be really short, and I think that is ok...some are totally random....I'm not sure how a picture of Damask cloth inspires a blogpost, but we'll work through the details of all that mumbo-jumbo later.  I'm just going to start with one of my boards and pick a pin.  Easy enough, right?  So here I go...

My mother has always said that I am, "certainly never boring", and I've accepted that this is probably my fate.  I will never quietly fit in with norms, even when I want to.  However, I always thought I knew where I was going, what I was doing, when I was doing it, how I was going to get there and what it would look like when I got there.  If infertility has taught me anything, it's that I do not have a %&*#ing clue!

As someone who tends toward the obsessive-compulsive personality type*, letting go seemed impossible.  It took a lot of change, and stripping away of all my plans to realize how much better life is when you just live it for this moment.  If there is any advice I can give to a fellow fertilly-challenged (I just made that word up because I'm amazing, and I can do that) person, it would be to just let go.  It's super scary, but it can let you live again and have a lot of fun, too. 

Letting go is not easy, but it does not mean quitting. It means just letting go of the idea of friskiness in bed sans the pill equals a baby. You and I, we just don't have that option. That does not mean we will never be parents (unless you make that choice). It does not mean you will never get to be a mother, father, co-parent, it just means that we have a different road to take. You can flagellate yourself for being on that road like I did, but, speaking from experience, it does not help. So now I'm choosing to strut down Infertility Lane with my pink sparkly pumps,

my head held high, and with BJ at my side in his bright pink bow tie.   

Letting go enables you to live your life in this moment, even when things seem impossible, beyond unfair, and make no sense what-so-ever.  Letting go has enabled me to not be bitter towards my friends who have beautiful babies.  It enables me to attend baby showers without ruining them for my friends.  I celebrate every conception, because I know how much of a miracle it really is.  I pray that my friends who are struggling get to their miracle before I do, because no one deserves this pain.  I have accepted that I have no clue when I will get to join my friends in Club Mama, and that is totally fine.  What they probably do not know, though, is that I'm studying them.  From every announcement to maternity picture and whatever other good ideas...I'm storing them away, because when it is my turn, it's going to be epic (Is epic still cool to say?...Whatever, it is if I said it!) My child is going to get the benefit of learning from some classy ladies as they figure out what works and what doesn't.  I am humble enough to appreciate that, and look forward to their help and guidance one day. 

Like I said, I'm clueless as to the how, when and what is going to make it happen.  I've let go of all of that and held on to the dream.  You know that saying...something about obstacles being in the way, or only seeing the obstacles when that is what you focus on, or somehow they, like, disappear or whatever if you keep your eye on the ball...err, well, you get the point...  All, I've got is a dream, and a rough sketch, and for now that is all I need.  It's time for me to let things fall in place at their appropriate time and not force it. I may be amazing, but I'm no god.  And however the plan unfolds, I promise it won't be boring!

Peace, Love, and Epic Non-Boringness,
MK

*This is actually Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder, but I prefer to use the term type because, I feel like it shouldn't be a disorder to have high standards! ;)



 

What's New?

Being unconditionally, happy.  That is what's new.

I wake up, and I have an amazing husband, silly pets, amazing family, amazing friends and a lot more perspective. I'm a helluva lucky lady.  I enjoy each and every day that I am very blessed to have.

I've also been blessed with the ability to go back and do what I should have done 10 years ago now.  I have always been fascinated with medicine...like don't try to talk to me while I'm watching Discovery Heath & Fitness Mystery Diagnosis...and occasionally yelling something 5 minutes into the show like, "it's Marfan's Syndrome you ignorant buffoons and I have a degree in counseling." I just never really had the passion to give up 8-10 years of my life, and if I had I would have never met my Lobster, BJ.   I, more than anything and still holding true today, wanted a family and a life, which while I have some friends that are clearly able to balance their MD and having a family, it's still not really what I want.  If I had endless money, time and no husband, I'd go back in a heart beat.  I don't...so I did something else.  As I have always been forthright about, I picked school counseling for the "Mommy hours." Only, it turned out those didn't really exist, nor would being a Mommy come so easily for me.

When I started having to go to the doctor practically every day in Winter 2011, I had to fight the urge to follow the nurse with my blood sample back into the lab (well, when I had my pants on, anyway).  Not because of wanting my results, but having this absolute compulsion to know what she was doing, why she was doing it, how she was doing it, and what it would mean for BJ and I, or anybody else for that matter.  Sometimes, I think I come off as being nosy, but it's more that I can't stand not knowing the why's and how come's.  I want to know absolutely everything there is to know about a situation so I can understand it. I blame my parents for hardly ever saying, "Because, I said so." I had my brother's Funk & Wagnall's Encyclopedia set so I could look it up back before the days of Wikipedia, anyway!

Anysomewho, after some soul-searching, debating and taking in a good dose of practicality, I've decided to go to nursing school.  Since I already have a Bachelor's in Exercise and Sports Science (aka human performance) I didn't have to do too much to qualify for an accelerated BSN program.  I thought about a degree as a physician assistant, BUT, to be honest, I've never had a good experience with one.  Plus, I'd really like to go into women's medicine, and I've never seen a PA in a OB/GYN office. I HAVE seen several Nurse Practitioners.  Not to mention  that I can work as an RN while pursuing my MSN.  It will also enable me to return to the "pursuit of family" before my already scrambled eggs go bad with age.  Ultimately, I'd love grow up to be a Pat Whited and work in a fertility clinic to help other people in the horrible predicament of infertility.  I'd love to be somewhere like my fertility clinic where they are very forward thinking and oriented to the latest research.  They seem to have hired several former patients, so hmm... 

I realize I'm still in the throes of infertility, but ultimately, I know that BJ and I will be parents.  I have no such clue as to how that is going to happen, but for once I can honestly say, "I don't care." We still have so many options that we are blessed to have afforded to us.  Whether we pursue domestic infant adoption, foreign adoption, pursue IVF again, embryo adoption, use an egg donor, we are going to get the same result, eventually.  I've accepted that it's not going to be on my timeline, but as it turns out...thank goodness.  Sometimes I think the Man upstairs knows what He's doing after all...;).

So back to reality.  I've got a couple months before I'm eagerly pursuing a degree in Nursing, and I'm really getting excited. In the mean time, I'm just sitting back, reading like I'm about to not be able to do so for pleasure for 18 months, helping my dad close up his law practice, drinking coffee again, and just enjoying everything for the sake of just enjoying it.  With everything that has happened, it's still pretty good to be me... ;)

Peace, Love and the Pursuit of Self-actualization,

Mary Katherine Roberts
Stupidly Happy Person for No Good Reason, Future Nurse Ratchet
 

Life is unpredictable...

I'm headed to Chat-town with a heavy heart. I lost a friend and co-worker last night. Jeni Sharpe, 34, mother of two amazing boys, died extremely unexpectedly. Jeni was a spark plug. She was smart as a whip, generous beyond generous, and funnier than a stitch. She was one of my first buddies at Gibbs.

Jeni only ever did what she thought was best for her students, which was a lot considering she worked with our special needs population. She opened her heart and took these children under her wing to give them not just a high school experience, but an enjoyable experience. She let them hang out with her sons and included them on weekend family trips to Dollywood or the zoo. She made sure they arrived at prom looking dapper and gorgeous. She ensured that their high school experience was full of memories despite them being a population of students that is oft ignored.

She never let politics and bureaucrats get in the way of doing what was best for her students. She turned her frustrations into what could have easily been a stand up comedy routine. Her impressions were hilarious. I always told her, "If you can't be nice, come sit with me!" I enjoyed her visits to my office. I loved working with her. Test scores, TEAM model, and TVAAS be damned, people like her make Gibbs High School. We lost a great teacher last night. A teacher that made me proud to be an employee at Gibbs High.

If Jeni could be here, I know she'd be pissed as Hell. She loved her family and had huge plans for her children. There is no lesson to be learned from this tragedy, but a reminder that we just never know. We must strive to enjoy each moment. Tell our family we love them often and be thankful for those opportunities.

Jeni would kick my ass if I didn't keep my chin up, have this retrieval done, and keep fighting this battle. She frequently told me I deserved to experience teenagers and toddlers and if I timed it right, preferably at the same time. So Jeni, here I go. Take care of my wee ones will ya? Love you and miss you!

Peace, Love and GO VOLS/HORNETS/EAGLES!

Mary Katherine

Falling Slowly

Have you ever had a song on your iPod for forever and then something in your life happens and all the sudden the song strikes a whole new chord? So yeah, that happened...

Ladies and Gentlemen, Glen Hansards's song from the Motion Picture, Once: 

Falling Slowly

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You'll make it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice

You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing it loud

I also want to say thank you for the continued prayers and well wishes.  I'm a pretty lucky lady to have so many wonderful friends and family members sticking by my side through what has easily been the most difficult and painful experience of my life.  

To BJ,

I have no words to express how grateful I am that I have you in my life everyday.  You are my hero, and I could never have survived this without you.  I am so proud that I get to call you my husband.  You are truly an amazing person.  I love you so much and I want you to know that I still believe.

That is all,

MK

The sun keeps coming up.

No matter how bad I feel.  No matter how sad I am.  No matter how many times I cry in a single day.  The sun keeps coming up.  We need rain.  Seriously, the grass is crunchy, the pool keeps evaporating faster than normal, the puppy is too hot and miserable to take walks outside, yet the sun continues to shine.  The sun is a stubborn beast of a star.

I had another blood test at the fertility center yesterday.  In just three attempts they were able to get enough blood to assess my progesterone levels.  They must have been great b/c they didn't call to tell me to change my meds.  This is excellent news in the sense that I'm perfectly capable of carrying a pregnancy with a little hormonal support.  Although, there is a cost to this "support."  The occasional misfire of the needle can leave you with a bloody mess.

Sorry if it's too gruesome for you! This is only the 2nd time, but I hit another vein and it is a little disconcerting.
I'm going to have to start drawing X's on my butt on the bad spots. Won't that be sexy!

Dr. D's medical assistant was awesome.  She told me that Dr. D has never had a patient my age that he has given up on and she couldn't think of one that didn't go on to have a baby.  She asked Dr. D to take time out of his schedule to talk to me.

I don't know that I will get bad news on Tuesday (the day of my blood pregnancy test) for sure at all. However, I need to know what (if any) contingency plan there is.  Afterall, the frozen embryo transfer is out the window because my poor little ones were unable to make it to the blast stage.  I can't be stuck with horrendous news and not have something to look forward to.  That just won't work for me.  I can't be crazy with devastation and not have a lighted path to walk on.

Anyway, Dr. D, graciously gave up some of his time to talk to me.  He immediately reiterated, "I've done transfers that I was positive were going to be a complete waste of time.  You're embryos were not in that category."  He went on, "If, IF, we have to do it again, we have some different things to try. I feel confident that you can carry a pregnancy, we may have to look into some different options, but you can get pregnant.  Going to donor eggs at this point would be taking the easy way out with you, and I'm not ready to do that."  He went on to describe a few options which I'm not going to get into in this blog, because it's a bit premature.

It made me feel better.  Fertility clinics are (SHOULD be if they have any credibility) big on reporting their statistics, and IF this doesn't work, I hated to think I was going to be one of those patients that the clinic gets scared of. According to Dr. D and his nurse, I'm far from that category.  Is it sad that I'm starting to love these people?

I felt a little better, and trucked it to work where I cried when the secretary asked me how it went.  I cried when the new assistant principal who struggled with infertility asked me how it went.  I cried when my boss asked me what I was willing to go through to have a child.  I cried when I was in my office alone.  My co-counselors were amazing.  They didn't ask as per my request.  They treated me as normal as they could considering I'm a walking time-bomb.  All-in-all, it still went much better than I thought it was going to go.

Today was better, I only cried once before our in-service started.  I did kind of brush off one person I wasn't expecting to be a blog-reader who told me her heart was going out to me.  I was caught off guard and I didn't want to start bawling, so I nodded and sat down.  After a few more speakers I was able to go back to her and tell her I appreciated her concern and apologized for walking off without tearing up.  She completely understood.

Then I got home, played with my beautiful puppy, Emma Grace, got a little acknowledgement from one of my cats while doing some chores, and then got on my computer to check some blogs I've been following.  That is where I found this blog post on my blog's dashboard.  I was moved to tears to say the least.  People like the Slocums are why the sun keeps coming up.  They give BJ and I a reason to act somewhat normal, attend social events, and remember that we aren't lepers even though I feel like I am.  Thank you guys so much!  I cannot convey  in words how much your friendship has meant to us, or how fortunate we are to have people like you in our lives!

So the sun came up today and although I was dizzy, queasy, crampy and tired, it's been a blessed day.

Peace, Love, & Friends,
MK

The costs of infertility...

The costs go way beyond the financial. Infertility is extremely taxing. It's mentally exhausting, physically demanding, financially depleting and emotionally draining. Your self-worth comes into question (mostly by yourself). There is the guilt...

I wonder almost everyday what I did to cause this. I feel like if I knew that, I could "fix" it and be cured. Did my disordered eating (crash diets, and the like...) in high school and college make me infertile? According to my doctors, probably not. Was it the depo provera shots I took for almost 4 years? My gyno says no, I had menstrual issues long before that...The frustrating thing with infertility is that a lot of us don't ever find out what is wrong and get slapped with an "unexplained infertility" diagnosis. How can you fix something if you don't know where the break is?

Any-some-how, infertility has cost BJ and I a lot more than money, and it's cost plenty of that, too. Here are the things that are bothering me the most...

1. Care-free attitude. BJ and I both will never be able to take for granted the things that come easily, which is good, but I miss the days when we were just blissfully unaware of how messy life can be.

2. The romance. Our relationship is strong, but we both have a goal of making a baby. It's a cloud that hangs over us constantly. There is nothing romantic about watching your wife in stirrups wincing while having another man probing and trying to impregnate her. Our child will be a love child, but in a totally different sense. I still mourn that there will be no conceiving on vacations or friends' weddings. It may be a little thing, but it's something you breeders (to steal a term from my homosexual friends) take for granted.

3. The element of surprise. I'm never going to get that 'I just peed on a stick and now I'm running around the house like a mad woman out of joy' moment. Out of the team of people that are working with us to help us procreate, we'll probably be the last to know when it does happen. Everything is done for me. I just have to show up to my appointments and take the right doses of medication. My doctor and nurses control when I ovulate (well, that is the idea, anyway), when I get a shot at fertilization, and when to do a pregnancy test. Again, not very romantic...

4. The innocence. I'm not going to be able to get pregnant and be blissfully happy. I'm going to be scared $hitless, and worried about staying pregnant. I'll be a high-risk pregnancy, which is frustrating because I'm an otherwise healthy 20-something. I'll have a weekly goal of staying pregnant from one doctor visit to the next. My mother ran throughout her entire pregnancy, and I had always imagined myself staying active and being relatively carefree while pregnant. Instead I'll be nervous about lifting heavy things, every little twinge, and concerned with beta numbers and progesterone levels (things in your blood that indicate you have a healthy pregnancy). It's just not what I envisioned for myself nor what I wanted, but I'll gladly take it if it helps me keep my baby. I just hate feeling like I'm an invalid...

5. Friends. Unfortunately, this is not an uncommon side effect of fertility treatments. If you read yesterday's post, you can guess that I'm not functioning on all four cylinders. I've not had the energy nor have I put the energy into keeping all my close friends satisfied. I've been accused of being flaky, and I have been. Things that sound like a great idea when your treatments are going well and you have reason to be hopeful, just don't seem like fun anymore after you've just found out that all that money, time and angst ended up in another negative pregnancy test. Oh, and let's not forget the drugs I've been taking. Some make me nauseous, some put me in a coma, and others make me so hormonal I can't think straight. While I understand I may have hurt feelings, it hurts that people I thought were so close can't cut me a break when I need it the most. I've not set out to intentionally hurt anyone. I don't have the energy or the time to invest in any nonsense like that. All I can do is apologize...

I'm sure I sound extremely whiny at the moment, and I don't mean to. Infertility has also given me some things, too.

1. My husband, BJ. Ok, so I already had him, but I never would have gotten to see just how amazing he is. He is one of the manliest men I've met. It takes an amazingly strong person to put up with a rabid, maniacal bitch that is me on Clomid and Prometrium. Not only does he take it, he stays with me while I'm having a fit and soothes me. It also takes a strong man to accept that he has an issue, and make an effort to fix it. When we found out he had poor morphology, he didn't get angry or shut down like a lot of men would. He just said, "What can we do to make it better?" He's as tough as they come. I truly feel like I have a teammate in this battle, which is not always the case with some couples.

2. Endurance. Oh the things I can endure...not once have I had a meltdown with a crazy student, even the pregnant ones who offer me a chance to baby-sit their child. Physically, I've endured more pain, and more side effects from drugs and procedures than should be allowed. I've felt so bad, that I have thought if this were a treatment for a terminal disease, I think I would just prefer to die. Seriously, between the endometriosis and the drugs that make my endometriosis worse, it's real bad. Yet, I'll take the pain and discomfort if it gets me to my baby.

3. Perspective. Before we started trying to spawn, BJ and I had the typical try to find a job with a journalism degree in this economy kind of stress. (Well, he did...I got hired as a school counselor before I graduated.) Anyway, he did get a job, but it isn't what he wanted. So we've spent the first couple years of marriage dealing with trying to find a career for BJ. We thought this was stress. I, myself, have slept, ate, and breathed my job for the past three years. Aside from being a good wife, my job has been my priority. Now, all the sudden, I have this emergent need to be fixed and have a child. The life I had planned where babies would come easily, doesn't exist. Life is much more precious than I thought, and it doesn't come easily. So this summer, I'm not near as stressed that one of my kids doesn't like his fourth block class during second semester for next year. I know I'll get it fixed, but I'm not ashamed that I don't get panic attacks from reading stressed emails from parents about their child's schedule anymore. It also doesn't mean I don't care, either. On the contrary, I think it helps me look at work dilemmas with a more functional attitude, that hopefully my principal will appreciate.

4. Patience. Well, it's still a work in progress, but I'm trying. I'm sure every new mother is absolutely in heaven when they have a child, but I can't imagine how sweet that moment is going to be when I finally have my baby in my arms. Gosh, this makes me tear up just thinking about it...

5. Loss of control. No, my computer did not mess up and put this in the wrong section. I'm a control freak who had a master plan that is gone with the wind. It's OK. My life is going to play out like it was designed to play out. This is not the road I would have chosen, but it's the only road I've got. I'm happy that I have the support and resources to go down the war-worn path of infertility. I'm here for the long-haul so bring it on with the unknown!

Well, I'm going to curl up with some Lifetime Movies, ice cream and fuzzy socks and have a good cry. Just kidding! I hope I haven't totally depressed you, but I appreciate your interest!

Peace, love and spawning,
MK