"Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief." ~ C. S. Lewis
This perfectly sums up the gnawing sadness that I attempt to cope with each day. I say attempt because there are days that I'm practically stellar at living and enjoying what I have, but there are also a handful of days that it takes all of my being to just exist and basically try to hide in a fertile world. Some days are hard because of silly things strangers say, others are hard because I have physical pain that seemingly comes out of nowhere that's like a personal reminder that something is physically wrong with me, some days because it's a significant date-like a should have been due date. Some days are hard because of silly things that have nothing to do with fertility, but I take everything so personally...always have...that I wrap it back around to 'this must be why'. Infertility is not the best juju for your self-esteem.
I think it's easy for people to shrug off my grief, because "I've never really had anything to lose," or "I am so blessed with so many other things." It is true that I am very fortunate to have a husband who is better for me than I deserve. I have my family who loves and cares for me more than I deserve, a lovely house, and things. Yet, I'm not willing to "just be happy with that." It's not that I'm ungrateful or unappreciative, it's just that I built relationships, collected, and worked for this blessed life I have so that I could share it with the child BJ and I were supposed to conceive. For 94% of couples...this is not too much to expect.
Honestly, everyday I wake up I am moving towards one goal, to be my child's Mother. C. S. Lewis' quote is poignant. Everyday I take a handful of medicine that re-emphasizes the point that my body parts aren't working right, and I can't have children. So I may not be emotionally sad, but cognitively I understand each day, that the one thing I truly desire in life may never happen. No matter what route we take, how hard I work, or badly I want it.
Everyday, despite what people think I should feel, or expect, I have grief. I wear grief on a necklace that simply says, "Eventually". I wear grief in the scars on my abdomen from the surgery I've had. I wear my desire in a tattoo that reminds me to slow down and take one step at a time. Most days, that's enough to honor the grief that I have, so that I don't have to "feel" it. These things let my heart know that I recognize what I've lost, but that today I have to live. And when I live, I choose to live happy.
Unending grief has turned into the reason I get out of bed every morning. The reason I will be resuming a more active approach to battling infertility. The desire to abate grief with joy is why I continue to fight.
Peace, Love, and Life,
Mary Katherine
This perfectly sums up the gnawing sadness that I attempt to cope with each day. I say attempt because there are days that I'm practically stellar at living and enjoying what I have, but there are also a handful of days that it takes all of my being to just exist and basically try to hide in a fertile world. Some days are hard because of silly things strangers say, others are hard because I have physical pain that seemingly comes out of nowhere that's like a personal reminder that something is physically wrong with me, some days because it's a significant date-like a should have been due date. Some days are hard because of silly things that have nothing to do with fertility, but I take everything so personally...always have...that I wrap it back around to 'this must be why'. Infertility is not the best juju for your self-esteem.
I think it's easy for people to shrug off my grief, because "I've never really had anything to lose," or "I am so blessed with so many other things." It is true that I am very fortunate to have a husband who is better for me than I deserve. I have my family who loves and cares for me more than I deserve, a lovely house, and things. Yet, I'm not willing to "just be happy with that." It's not that I'm ungrateful or unappreciative, it's just that I built relationships, collected, and worked for this blessed life I have so that I could share it with the child BJ and I were supposed to conceive. For 94% of couples...this is not too much to expect.
Honestly, everyday I wake up I am moving towards one goal, to be my child's Mother. C. S. Lewis' quote is poignant. Everyday I take a handful of medicine that re-emphasizes the point that my body parts aren't working right, and I can't have children. So I may not be emotionally sad, but cognitively I understand each day, that the one thing I truly desire in life may never happen. No matter what route we take, how hard I work, or badly I want it.
Everyday, despite what people think I should feel, or expect, I have grief. I wear grief on a necklace that simply says, "Eventually". I wear grief in the scars on my abdomen from the surgery I've had. I wear my desire in a tattoo that reminds me to slow down and take one step at a time. Most days, that's enough to honor the grief that I have, so that I don't have to "feel" it. These things let my heart know that I recognize what I've lost, but that today I have to live. And when I live, I choose to live happy.
Unending grief has turned into the reason I get out of bed every morning. The reason I will be resuming a more active approach to battling infertility. The desire to abate grief with joy is why I continue to fight.
Peace, Love, and Life,
Mary Katherine
Oh goodness, you've put it in words exactly. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteYou are so right! Some days are just hell, and what I have learned is that it is okay to say it and recognize it. I thought being faithful meant that I had to be strong and hide my emotion all the time! But then I realized that God doesn't judge me when I sit on the bathroom floor and cry after I get my period. He wraps his arms around me and loves me, because he knows that I still have faith- I'm just sad. It's not that we have forgotten the blessings, but just that we have to feel and be sad sometimes. We are human, and that is okay. God bless you Mary! Prayers from my heart to yours! XO
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