Tuesday, February 16, 2016

1 Month

I am sitting here curled up with Matt on my couch and still so in love. This same couch...has been host to numerous recuperations, modified bed rest stints, and emotional breakdowns. But no more.

It's still such sweet relief to leave all of that pain and anguish behind. I can just stare down at this precious little boy and smile about how worth it everything was. And how I would do it again in a heartbeat.  

He's doing swell. He's grown 1.75 inches  and weighed 7lbs 14.5 oz at his three week check over a week ago. So I'm sure he's pushing 8.5 lbs now. It's funny how much his face has and hasn't changed. It seems fuller from the front, but I still see that infuriated newborn profile from early on.

(Daddy got better pictures than Mommy)

He has been an easy baby...and then he turned 4 weeks old. I don't know why I thought breastfeeding meant no colic but, I did. That was incorrect! I also had no idea that I would go from feeling pretty confident at reading his cues, to absolutely helpless. I tried keeping him fed, freshly diapered, and rocked, but NOTHING would soothe him. It's awful, and of course I immediately went to 'this is why you were infertile' place in my head. It's a new kind of awful to not be able to help your child. 

So after two sleepless nights I was to the point where all I could do was hold him and cry with him. I cashed in a lifeline and called Amy, because I couldn't even tell when Matt was pushing me away or still hungry anymore. Instead of just talking to me she came over with a bag of tricks and let me sleep for 4 hours. She was my angel. It was seriously the best gift I could have asked for at this point. I hope I can pay her back one day! 

So with the help of Simethicone (gas medicine) Matt seems much more content with himself. He may not choose to sleep when Mommy and Daddy would like him, too.  But at least he's not screaming uncontrollably.

Mommy is exhausted, but passed her 4 week post-partum check. I've lost 20lbs so far, so I'm almost where I would have liked to have been going into this pregnancy.  I still don't look quite like my pre-pregnant self when it comes to my mid-section, but hopefully now that I can exercise, things will tighten up.  I can resume "normal activities"..HAHAHA... While I'm dying (to have the energy) to get on the elliptical and try a Mommy and Me yoga class,  I'm pretty sure my lady parts are still on a prolonged vacation...that and I need some red blood cells.  I mean, I know I'm normally pale and just had a baby, but right now, I'm fluorescing like I'm ready for an audition on the latest vampire flick and not sure how to make it out of bed much before 11:30 or 12:00.

There is nothing on the interwebs about postpartum for the 1% of us who have little to no ovarian function.  There are a few blogs of POI moms who all seem to cave and go back on hormone replacement therapy in lieu of continuing to breastfeed *SIGH*. While your estrogen is supposed to be low while you breastfeed, and some women have hot flashes...all of that has come crashing back this week.  So I don't know if I'm in the normal postpartum range or if I'm already plummeting back to 'I've fallen and I can't get up' levels, or if there is even a difference.  Oh, we had that "what do you want to do for birth control" conversation...

I know it's required, and to be fair, Dr. B asked if we were just going to go off our history or if I wanted to use something. I consider myself a pretty elite infertile...I'm really good at not getting pregnant.  So good, that it takes other people's ingredients and synthesized hormones to keep me pregnant, so when someone asks the question "What are you using for birth control?" It seems to me like the equivalent of telling a hospice patient to pray harder for a cure...

I distinctly remember Dr. Donesky telling BJ, before I was even officially his patient, that we had less than a 3 percent chance of conceiving on our own.  So combine that with my less than 3% chance of conceiving...and...my brain is too exhausted to figure that formula out, but basically it's a 0% chance that BJ's 3% chance would sync up with my 3% chance of a miracle spontaneous ovulation of a healthy egg...So if it were to happen...it's truly meant to be...and I'll take that chance even if it means a short-interval pregnancy.  Not to mention there is also a less than 3% chance of us partaking in such festivities in the near future...

So here is a list of replies in no particular order for "What birth control method do you plan on using?"

1. Premature Menopause
2. Not paying anyone $36,000 to get pregnant.
3. Abstinence (This one may only be funny to me.)
4. Early Ovarian Retirement
5. The Calendar method
6. Witchcraft
7. Spite
8. Leaving the 14 other embryos in the freezer.
9. Hypno-birth control
10. Beaver Testicles in moonshine (Oh, Canada...[look it up...you can't make this stuff up...])

So, anyway...Matt is the best, even when he's not sleepy or comfortable.  Hopefully he knows his Mommy and Daddy are trying really hard, and we love him very much.  We will get this figured out, because this is still not near as hard as being told you didn't conceive after an IVF cycle. I just need to read earlier posts in this blog to know that.  It doesn't take much to remember wanting a baby, any baby to remind us how lucky we are.

I am so extremely blessed to get to experience a newborn...well, he's not a newborn anymore!  I am so blessed to experience my baby.  He's an absolute doll, even when he's a fuss-pot.  This is just one of many adventures to come, and I'm excited to be on this journey with him.

Matt, I may not know what I'm doing, but I love you and we are trying our best. We are forever grateful that we get to be your parents.  Hang in there, kid...it's only going to get better!

Peace, Love, & Trying Really Hard,

Mary Katherine

Matt Facts:
Sleeps: Anytime but from 0100 to 0600...that's playtime
Weight:  8+ lbs
Clothing size:  He's outgrown Gerber brand NB size, but fits comfortably in most other NB-sized clothes.  0-3 month still seems SO BIG!
Height: 20.5 inches (at 3 weeks)
Fave Food:  Boobs
Fave Toy:  Mom's hair and Boobs
Fave Comfort Item:  Boobs
Predicted Occupation:  GM at either Twin Peaks or Hooters

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