Saturday, December 17, 2011

In-Law Christmas

Today (yesterday) was day 4 of muscle relaxers and Christmas dinner with my in-laws. Perfect! Actually, muscle relaxers have never needed to be an essential part of staying with my in-laws. They are amazingly easy and totally supportive. They are just one of the ways that I have been blessed. It's hard to hang on to these blessings in the wake of such a loss, but the best part about my blessings is that they are all waiting with me with open arms as the storm passes.

It's safe to say that I hit rock bottom this week. I've been there once before, but this time I had my amazing husband, two amazing friends, and my wonderful mother who were right there beside me. I didn't have a chance to make any other decision but to grab ahold their patient hands and stand back up.

It's not easy that this is all occurring around a holiday about an immaculate conception when I now know that I have <1% chance of conceiving and carrying a baby to full term without medical intervention. It's going to take a miracle for us to have a child, and it's extremely frustrating that I don't know what that miracle is going to look like.

 I do know that I've got quite a ways to go. I'm still considered a "young" woman in infertility land. We've still got every option we've had before. Through our loss we have more reason to be optimistic according to Dr. Donesky. We have lots of opportunities left as long as we are willing to try.

As I stewed in my own despondence these past few weeks I realized I was going to be a terrible mother. I cannot put the pressure of me being happy on an infant. How unfair is that? I may have lots of shortcomings, but when it comes to my baby, I'm ready for the challenge. I know I'm doing all I can medically, so the only thing left in my control is how I feel about myself. So as my body continues to heal, I'm going to use the time I have to work on being nicer to myself. It's a daily struggle for me to comprehend that bad things happen to good, undeserving people everyday. No one deserves cancer, cystic fibrosis or infertility. This includes myself. Shoo, I said that for the first time. We would love to believe that if we work hard, do the "right" thing, and be good and courteous human beings that good things will come our way. It's simply not true.

So in addition to my quest for spawn, I have accepted a new quest to search for my own happiness. Starting yesterday, despite the pain in my neck, I allowed myself to enjoy In-Law Christmas. I enjoyed being a terrible aunt to my 8 year-old niece who is now concerned that Santa won't come because her missing teeth are clearly evidence of her addiction to crystal meth. (It doesn't help that a property near her house recently "mysteriously" burned to the ground.) Ahh, I should probably feel guilty that she whispered these parting words to me when she hugged me good-bye, "MK, I promise I don't take drugs. My teeth will grow back. You'll see." Just melts your heart, doesn't it?

So far I've had a Happy Christmas. Even though no one can give me the one thing I desire most, they can't take away what I do have in my amazing friends and family. My Christmas wish this year is for everyone to take a moment to appreciate what they do have. I certainly will.

Peace, Love and Drug-free nieces,

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