Friday, December 9, 2011


I'm still hurting. I'm STILL cramping, it's not severe, but it's a constant reminder that I've lost. I still have chest pain. I still feel so broken. Emotionally, I hate what I've become. I hate that with all I have to do, the thing I look forward to most is sleeping. It's like I've lost all my emotional stamina. I can be stoic at work, but that wipes me out and I'm done trying to function.

I feel guilty for being such a drag. I know I was doing better at this point last time, but I was reminded that I had a bigger loss this time, and it is unfair to compare. I just want to get to the point that I can cope for a little longer. I'm not asking to be happy, but at least tolerable.

BJ and I have come to the decision that we can't give up. I could never live with myself if I gave up now. That pretty much speaks for itself. We had improvement, and we proved that my body could accept an embryo. The funny thing is it's not the blast we made like it is for Dr. Donesky, my father, or BJ that's encouraging them to encourage me. It's the the little three cell embryo that was still fighting even though it was four days behind in development. If three cells can fight that hard for life, then I sure as hell can. I'm so proud of that. I know that is all Shull-stubbornness right there.

I struggle mightily to accept where I am in my life. My goal for the duration is to be nicer to myself. I'm not infertile because I deserve it. I'm not worthless, and as much as I feel persecuted it's not that either. I've got to stop with the self-blame because ultimately I know none of this is my fault. It just simply is. So I need a new mantra. I need to quit looking in the mirror with disgust. I haven't figured out what that mantra is just yet...but maybe it will come soon.

Maybe CVS will come through soon. With a process that is guaranteed to be "24" hours it's now been a full business week. This is not my fault either. It's just bureaucratic nonsense. I would love to have been able to have had my dose of Lupron and start working on getting my endometriosis back in check, but whatever. Caremark you suck at life...just sayin'! They were saying yesterday they don't have a prescription but they had the prior authorization. Wednesday they told me that it had been rejected. Today they said they had the prescription but not the prior authorization. All I'm gonna say is that if someone ever goes all postal on them, I'm not gonna wonder why...

One day I'll be a mommy. Someway, somehow, BJ is gonna be a daddy. All this pain will be worth it. Through all of this, I bet we're gonna make pretty awesome parents!

Peace, all my love, and fighting the good fights,

Mary Katherine

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