Saturday, December 3, 2011

This is Hell...

It really is.  I asked my nurse if we could just go ahead and schedule a hysterectomy.  She said it was way too early for me to even be asking, but where was she when I was puking my guts out at 3:00am because my stomach couldn't tolerate even ibuprofen at that point.  Where was she when I was biting my pillow to keep from screaming? Writhing in pain doesn't really begin to describe how my nights have been going since Tuesday, but I'm banking that at some point I will crash and sleep. However it doesn't seem like tonight is that night...

In my best moments I'm drugged up to the point I don't care about the pain, (like this present moment) but I'm still in pain.  It's like my entire abdomen has collapsed in on itself. My back aches, and I still feel so tender and bruised.  My stomach is still pretty messed up.  I'm mentally exhausted from the physical pain.  Not to mention that I've just lost the one thing I wanted most in the world.  In the breaks from the cramps the emotional pain seems to flood back in.  It's just a horrible feeling that I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Thank God for my mother.  She's here nursing me through this weekend.  Helping BJ and I put back the pieces of our childless lives back together.  Packing up the meds, putting the ultrasound pictures away, and clearing the path for us to resume our lives as they were, but BJ and I are forever different.  We both know pain like it's a close friend.  Disappointment, grief, sadness have etched themselves into our bones.  Thanksgiving will always be that holiday that we lost our first child.  What a juxtaposition?

I've said from the beginning that there are never any guarantees. No one can tell us if/when/or what the ending of this story will look like. Any decision we make has the real possibility of ending poorly. As many things can go wrong and do go wrong with adoptions as IVF cycles.  Paperwork gets lost, birth-mothers change their minds, agreements fall through.  There is not an easy way out for us. The only easy way out is to be fertile to begin with, and that has never been an option for us.  Deciding not to parent at all is the choice that is easiest to refuse.

Ask me if I would go through all of this pain again not knowing if we'll ever have children, and I will tell you yes.  I would walk through Hell for my child whether I ever get to experience them in this realm or if I have to wait until I get to the Flipside.  It is a lot easier to write this knowing I have the full support of my life partner, BJ.  In addition, we have the rest of our family behind our backs, too.  We still even have a few friends who haven't disowned us just yet.

I don't know what our future looks like and for a planner like me, it seems completely asinine, but that's apparently how it's going to be.  We have a follow-up on Monday with Dr. D and from there is anybody's guess.

Peace, Love and a little sleep would be nice,


  1. Oh MK, I am so sorry you are going through this. Please give yourself some time to heal emotionally before making any decisions. My heart is going out to you. ((HUGS))

  2. MK I wish I could give you a hug, and encouragement in person. Just know I care, and I hope you get some rest tonight! Much love!!!


  3. I wish I knew what to say, but I have no words of comfort. I'm just happy you have a great support system and please know you are in my prayers.