Monday, July 27, 2015


We had our last weekly appointment with Dr. Donesky.  You read that correctly. LAST.

Pico was sleepy today.  It's a different time of day than we usually go, and I could see the heart flickering, but it was very unsettling.  However, someone made me laugh and Pico went crazy.  He or she was also very shy.  We've had at least 6 opportunities to see our child's face, and we still have yet to see it.  One day...maybe...

Pico had his or her back completely turned.  I have a great picture of the back of my baby's head, neck shoulders and the rest of his or her back.  Pico measured a day ahead at 12.6 using crown to rump measurements, but measured 12.4 on a femur measurement... That averages to 12.5 so perfect. ;)  Heart rate was a beautiful 157 beats per minute.

So off we go. I'm to stop all my medications just like that.  Seriously, all of them.  I know what it must be to be addicted to drugs.  I'm bargaining with myself...'Just one last progesterone'll be okay.'  'Maybe just a half mL of progesterone in oil tonight'...and on and on...I go back to the fertility clinic on Thursday for a blood draw to check my hormone levels again.  I know we need to see what my body can or can't do, but wow, are the stakes high.  And I have all these pills and syringes...I might be the first person admitted to drug rehab for progesterone.  I'd be totally cool with that as long as I got to go to Malibu Promises...

I don't think Donesky is a bit worried. He told me I could have stopped last week. So I think the chances of something happening are low, but then again ovarian failure is a less than 1% possibility, and I managed to be on the wrong side of that.  I'm just a little freaked out.  The office wants me to come back when I "have a belly" and I'm all like 'how will I know if I can get that far because you're kicking me out?!'  I need a Van Wilder month!!!

I'm also starting to notice how uncomfortable I am when people talk about infertility.  It's like I got de-sisterized from my sorority of 5 years.  Even when I hear storylines on TV, it just makes me cringe.  I've really just noticed it in the last couple of weeks, which I guess is when the reality of this pregnancy started sinking in. So did the "survivor's guilt." I know that so far, I have this pregnancy, but 3 months ago, as I tearfully laid in bed awaiting bad news, I also remember how vivid the devastation of another negative pregnancy test could be.  I remember sobbing as the lab tech drew my blood and having to take a healthy moment to get myself back together before returning to my patients because as ready and braced as I thought I was, the pain of possible devastation is just overwhelming.  It's too close and easy to remember that pain, but I can't let it go because somehow I need to still be part of that infertile group that I identify with.  Yet I also have to give them space because I'm not the same anymore, either.

I didn't imagine myself feeling guilty until I actually had a breathing child in my arms, but I didn't know how attached you could be to something you don't even feel.  And in my case, something I'm not even related to, technically. But golly, do I love every single thing about my introverted little bean that's growing inside of me!  Would I be utterly devastated if something were to happen? You betcha! It's just still strange being "one of them" instead of infertile. Everything is different now. People offer you a level of respect because you're going to be a parent.  I've recently had a rash of "do you have kids?" to which I usually respond, 'not yet.'  But I caught myself telling a random patient who asked that I had one on the way.  So then she told me how having a baby was going to change my life forever. "It will never, ever be the same." 'What?  I can't just lay in bed all day and drink margaritas anymore?  Why didn't you tell me this 5 years and THOUSANDS of dollars ago?' I guess the bad advice and unnecessary wisdoms will never go away no matter the family building journey.

People talk to you differently.  And I've gone from being asked by random strangers what position I assume after sex to "what names are you thinking about?  Are you going to breastfeed? Do you want an epidural? Where are you going to register?'  I can appreciate it more and the questions are a lot happier than "have you tried elevating your hips?" but the pessimist inside me is still saying, let's just wait to see if you are still pregnant tomorrow...

I am very blessed to have what anyone else would call "an easy pregnancy".  I'm not nauseous, I'm not craving anything, I'm not really having aversions accept for maybe being sick of Progresso soup. I'm not showing either. So it is physically easy to deny that this is happening...except my breasts don't lie.  But on the other hand, it sure leaves a lot of doubt.  Like what if this isn't happening? What if my baby doesn't wake up one day? What if I'm not sick because the baby isn't doing well.  And the thought that my next ultrasound, the next time I see my baby, won't be for 6-8 weeks as the anatomy scan...You've got to be kidding me. That actually does make me nauseous.

So...@ 12.5 weeks I am the drugs*  Clarification-hormones
...down 2 lbs for a net gain of -11...and I eat everything...It's like I have a metabolism, or something.
...Craving...Not a darn thing.  I want to crave something...I guess my diet is just that healthy. That's what I keep telling myself, anyway...
...Averse to graduating from my fertility clinic. love with my Pico

Peace, Love, and Fertility Clinic Graduations,

Mary Katherine

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