Friday, August 26, 2011

The sun keeps coming up.

No matter how bad I feel.  No matter how sad I am.  No matter how many times I cry in a single day.  The sun keeps coming up.  We need rain.  Seriously, the grass is crunchy, the pool keeps evaporating faster than normal, the puppy is too hot and miserable to take walks outside, yet the sun continues to shine.  The sun is a stubborn beast of a star.

I had another blood test at the fertility center yesterday.  In just three attempts they were able to get enough blood to assess my progesterone levels.  They must have been great b/c they didn't call to tell me to change my meds.  This is excellent news in the sense that I'm perfectly capable of carrying a pregnancy with a little hormonal support.  Although, there is a cost to this "support."  The occasional misfire of the needle can leave you with a bloody mess.
Sorry if it's too gruesome for you! This is only the 2nd time, but I hit another vein and it is a little disconcerting.
I'm going to have to start drawing X's on my butt on the bad spots. Won't that be sexy!
Dr. D's medical assistant was awesome.  She told me that Dr. D has never had a patient my age that he has given up on and she couldn't think of one that didn't go on to have a baby.  She asked Dr. D to take time out of his schedule to talk to me.

I don't know that I will get bad news on Tuesday (the day of my blood pregnancy test) for sure at all. However, I need to know what (if any) contingency plan there is.  Afterall, the frozen embryo transfer is out the window because my poor little ones were unable to make it to the blast stage.  I can't be stuck with horrendous news and not have something to look forward to.  That just won't work for me.  I can't be crazy with devastation and not have a lighted path to walk on.

Anyway, Dr. D, graciously gave up some of his time to talk to me.  He immediately reiterated, "I've done transfers that I was positive were going to be a complete waste of time.  You're embryos were not in that category."  He went on, "If, IF, we have to do it again, we have some different things to try. I feel confident that you can carry a pregnancy, we may have to look into some different options, but you can get pregnant.  Going to donor eggs at this point would be taking the easy way out with you, and I'm not ready to do that."  He went on to describe a few options which I'm not going to get into in this blog, because it's a bit premature.

It made me feel better.  Fertility clinics are (SHOULD be if they have any credibility) big on reporting their statistics, and IF this doesn't work, I hated to think I was going to be one of those patients that the clinic gets scared of. According to Dr. D and his nurse, I'm far from that category.  Is it sad that I'm starting to love these people?

I felt a little better, and trucked it to work where I cried when the secretary asked me how it went.  I cried when the new assistant principal who struggled with infertility asked me how it went.  I cried when my boss asked me what I was willing to go through to have a child.  I cried when I was in my office alone.  My co-counselors were amazing.  They didn't ask as per my request.  They treated me as normal as they could considering I'm a walking time-bomb.  All-in-all, it still went much better than I thought it was going to go.

Today was better, I only cried once before our in-service started.  I did kind of brush off one person I wasn't expecting to be a blog-reader who told me her heart was going out to me.  I was caught off guard and I didn't want to start bawling, so I nodded and sat down.  After a few more speakers I was able to go back to her and tell her I appreciated her concern and apologized for walking off without tearing up.  She completely understood.

Then I got home, played with my beautiful puppy, Emma Grace, got a little acknowledgement from one of my cats while doing some chores, and then got on my computer to check some blogs I've been following.  That is where I found this blog post on my blog's dashboard.  I was moved to tears to say the least.  People like the Slocums are why the sun keeps coming up.  They give BJ and I a reason to act somewhat normal, attend social events, and remember that we aren't lepers even though I feel like I am.  Thank you guys so much!  I cannot convey  in words how much your friendship has meant to us, or how fortunate we are to have people like you in our lives!

So the sun came up today and although I was dizzy, queasy, crampy and tired, it's been a blessed day.

Peace, Love, & Friends,

1 comment:

  1. Awww, MK. You're so cute. Lufie and Gaius are going to be sooo adorable! Mucho amor.