Don't read this. It's whiny.

What are you doing? I said DON'T read this!

Out of the blue, I've had a terrible day. Anytime I have a moment to myself I start crying. I don't have any medication to blame, so it's just me being a candy-ass. Although, maybe it's the $2,000 bucks in unexpected bills I've received in the last couple of days? $1,000 of yet which will probably be resolved, but that still leaves us with a chunk of change that our insurance unexpectedly did not cover missing from our "rainy day" funds. I think it's also a bit of reality setting in.

When I get in a funk like this I spend too much time on fertility treatment message boards. These do nothing to uplift my spirits and usually only remind me how awful things can go. Today one woman found out her fifth and last IVF cycle did not work. I can't even fathom having to subject yourself to this process that many times, and then for it to not work, beyond unfair. There are always a few success stories. Several first time IVFers have come forward, which you'd think would be encouraging, but it kinda feels like the chances of your cycle working are statistically decreasing.

The other thing about message boards is that they are cult-like and confusing. You need a decoder ring to interpret most of the posts. For instance, "I'm 5dp3dt and HPT is still BFN. Bhcg is not until 12dpt." In English that would be, "I'm 5 days past a 3-day embryo transfer and my home pregnancy test is still a big fat negative. My beta HCG blood test is not until 12 days post transfer." There are a bunch more acronyms some of which I still don't understand after 6 months of reading this infertility Greek. And what is with the big fat positives and big fat negatives? I only like to hear the words 'big fat' associated with my paycheck. I'm not sure why big fat is standard, but it makes me feel silly to say it.

When I first started visiting these websites, I always scoffed about how I would never be like these women, and lo, here I am. While I refrain from the big fats, I'm now officially a member of all these boards. They can be useful in getting a better idea of what things are going to be like. In fact, none of the ladies have said an IUI is just like a pap smear. In that sense, they can be useful. However, you need to be on top of your game mentally and realize that once women become pregnant they tend to drift off and leave us still-barren folk to our despair. I can't blame them. We are a pretty dreadful group. We do give each other a lot of support and "(((hugs)))", but it isn't the same as talking to people in person. If only more people would open up about it before they were cured I think it would be easier on all of us.

It is starting to become real for me. I'm taking my last "pill" on Monday and things will get real serious real fast. I have my baseline on Thursday, which I'm just now realizing is a make-or-break day. If I have any cysts, I'm done for at least another month. Boo! The birth control should resolve any that I may have had, so I have no reason to think I will have a problem. Except that in the past year everytime something "shouldn't be a problem" it's turned into a problem. Through this whole process I keep thinking the tide has to turn, but I need to come to grips with the reality that it might not. Just as I don't deserve infertility, I don't deserve IVF to work. I want it to, but it's not as if the more despondent or sad I become the better my odds are or the more deserving I become.

Well, I need to suck it up and enjoy my last weekend night before school kicks up. There will be better days, but for now I think I'll have some wine with my whine.

I told you not to read this,
MK