Monday, June 1, 2015

5 Years Today

We've been trying to have a baby for 5 years, today.  There is still no child in our arms, but there is possibly one (or two, Mother), snuggling in for 35 and some change more weeks, but nothing is ever a guarantee.  We're just further than we've ever really been before.  Whatever happens, this bean(s) has proven to everyone on my medical team and, most importantly, myself that yes, yes I can become pregnant, and for that I can never thank or love these one (two) embabies enough for renewing my hope.  

For the last five years it has been a struggle.  A struggle to cope with loss, heartbreak, feeling worthless, and feeling less than a woman.  The agony of despair is so overwhelming at times you lose all hope.  This is not an easy road for the weak-of-heart.

I have definintely grown stronger than I was 5 years ago.  You would assume more patient, but it might be better assessed as more stubborn. As much as my self-conscious berated me for not being able to carry a child, my heart was and is not willing to give up.  Even today I remain impatient as I am desperate to get to the time I can have an ultrasound, just so I know if this is a viable pregnancy or not and that my baby(ies) are safe.

Everyday, I struggle to relax and be patient.  If I feel less dizzy for a moment, I immediately think I'm miscarrying.  If I'm not having cramps/pressure I think my uterus is giving up.  I'm living on the edge of a panic attack constantly, but I'm loving having the chance to live there.

I don't know if you can say I'm enjoying this pregnancy, because, to be honest, I just feel I'm stuck on that Gravitron ride.  I don't feel "pregnant".  Again it's super early...Hell, it's not been a week yet.  I do get short of breath easily, and that's super weird.  I mean, I show up at work, and I'm out of breath walking from one end of our small unit to the other.  What is that about?  I mean those annoying apps tell me my baby(ies) is(are) the size of a poppy not exactly taking up lung space yet.

It has been hard going 3 days without having a confirmation from a beta HCG level that the pregnancy is still continuing.  I feel good about things the day I get my results until about 9:00 at night, and then I assume the worst all night long and until the next test.  I imagine this is going to be how it goes until I can feel the baby moving...This is going to be the world's longest pregnancy...

Peace, Love, and Elephants,
Mary Katherine

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