Saturday, August 20, 2011

And the waiting begins...

A person is a person, no matter how small. ~Dr. Seuss

Yesterday, after a nerve-wracking two and a half hours late phone call, I learned that out of our 17 babies, 4 arrested, or quit developing.  So we are down to 13.  I can't say I'm not disappointed, but realistically that is still an amazing amount to work with.  I guess it all depends on your philosophy of when life begins, but when all you've ever had is an embryo, each loss is difficult and leaves us with fewer attempts at a frozen embryo transfer, later.  Again, they only ever expect 30% of embryos to make it to day 5, so anything above 5 and we're beating the odds.

Today, I've tried to rest some more as I've got some beginning of the year, raging sore throat megalo-virus.  I can't talk much to my husband's amusement. I've peed like 18 times today so far (still trying to get rid of all the extra fluid).  I gained 4 of the 8 I lost back the next day and now I'm down 5 for a net of 9 so we're trending in the right direction.  I've tried to get the house ready for Emma Grace's grandmother (my mom) to come doggy-sit since we are headed back to Chat-town. I think I've picked my prescious puppy up so many times today,she is getting sore, but today is possibly the last day that I can pick her up for a while so she's just gonna have to take it!  I also hit the elliptical for one last time for hopefully several weeks...(PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE).

I can't say I'm not a little hesitant about the transfer.  My wee ones have a lot of help and support right now, and I'm so scared that I'm going to fail them.  Again, I know I've been extremely compliant and have continued to take all my meds exactly as directed despite a near death experience with a vein and an IM injection (lots of blood, but everyone survived).  There just is not as much control on the implantation side of things. To exacerbate matters, I'm already feeling crampy and pressure in my lower abdomen like before a period starts.  Hopefully it is just the progesterone buffing up my uterus, but it still makes me nervous. I hate to think that there could be something else I could have done to ensure that my babies make it to 4 weeks and then 5, 6, 7....

In 10 days, I will either be the happiest I've ever been in my life, or at the lowest point of my life.  There is no inbetween.  I can't even fathom how I'm supposed to prepare myself if this doesn't work.  How do you get past the feelings of failing at one of life's most basic functions?

Well, it's time to finish packing and begin the next leg of this journey.  All I can do is take it one step at a time.  Give it up to Him and my medical team.  Pray that I'm strong enough to make it through whatever outcome this brings and remember how much I love my husband and how loved I am.

Peace, Love & Survival to day 5,


  1. We haven't met yet.. but I have known BJ since the skating rink years..

    I hope we can meet soon. You inspire me.

    I will be praying and thinking of you both.. or three I hope!!

    - Jessica Price

  2. You are amazing. Your strength and resiliency is inspiring.

    You are in our prayers, along with you medical team and family.

    Best to you all, including your babies.

  3. MK, we have never met but any woman that BJ chose to spend his life with has to be amazing. I have known him for years and he will be an excellent father to the children that you WILL have. I can tell by reading your blog and seeing the struggles you have gone through and the determination you have to become pregnant, he obviously chose someone who will also be a wonderful mother. I've been praying for you since I began reading your blog. I am confident you will be blessed with beautiful children. All the best to you & BJ!

  4. I'll be praying for you MK! Hopefully we'll be throwing a huge baby shower at a state meet again this year! ;)