Wednesday, August 24, 2011

What can you do?

"The greatest oak was once just a little nut who held its ground." ~Author Unknown

What do you do when you are barely 3 days past a 5 day embryo transfer and you wake up at 5am with pain and bleeding? You scream.  Fortunately for my neighbors, I'm still too hoarse to scream so not a sound came out of my mouth but a faint strain. Then I got it together and called the emergency line at my fertility clinic.  I woke up my RE's poor partner.  He asked me if I was using Endometrin. I said yes.  Well, that is what is causing it.  Apparently it can be really irritating to the cervix and cause the cervical cells to ooze blood.  LOVELY!  Then you feel really stupid and email your doctor's nurse and ask if there is anything you can do for the pain.  Most people can't feel their cervix, but not so with me.  Mine HURTS.

This morning my nurse emailed me back and said to switch to progesterone shots twice a day.  GLADLY!  This Endometrin stuff is not for the faint of heart.  It's a nasty little pessary that kinda looks like a yeast infection treatment and is extremely messy.  'Snot fun.  So yes, I'll gladly switch back to two-a-day progesterone in oil shots with a 1.5 inch needle and large bore, thank you very much.

So aside from having a near death experience this morning, I'm doing ok.  I'm getting over the cold or whatever it was that made me so hoarse for so long.  I'm starting to feel a little queasy especially when my stomach is empty with all the hormones I'm pumped up on.  It's that kind of nausea where you feel like you might throw up, but it's not worth the energy to go to the bathroom and lean over the toilet.  I seriously have enough hormones in my body right now to support a man through a pregnancy.  The Promtetrium makes me a little dizzy even while lying down. I'll be supine and feel like I'm on a boat. My boobs hurt if you look at them too hard.  I'm achy from not doing anything. This all sounds good, right?  Except that it's all just potentially side effects from the hormones...but just maybe!

Mentally, well it's still a toss up between hope and fear.  Really though, what is hope?  If you weren't afraid of anything, then you wouldn't need hope.  Hope and fear go hand in hand and I have tons of  both.  I'm scared for my little ones. I'm scared about my genetics.  I'm scared of my results on Tuesday.  People keep asking me if this is the longest week ever, and you'd think it would be.  It's not.  It's going way too fast.  I'm pregnant until proven otherwise and Tuesday is the day we find out if it is the otherwise.

Until then, I carry on being the best a little bit pregnant mommy I can be.  Tomorrow I have my blood drawn to check my progesterone levels, then I head back to the real world.  I'm glad to have something to do, but I know I'm going to cry every time someone asks how it went.  I can't help myself.

I think people misinterpret my tears with hopelessness.  No, it's just fear and disappointment.  I totally believe in my two little fighters.  I, however, haven't totally wrapped my mind about how my other little embryo babies did not make it.  Again, no one was expecting this, so how could BJ and I expect to understand why or not be concerned?  We are grateful that we had 2 to transfer and praying for their continued development. [You got this, babies!  Just keep going! I love you!]

I was doing a little research last night, and read where they compare infertility patients second to cancer patients in fighting for a cure. It made me realize that I'm not crazy for feeling like I'm in a fight for my life, because I am.  It may not be my literal life, fortunately, but it is the life that I wanted and expected.  It's a fight for my dreams. It's a fight for my children's lives that just aren't quite here yet.  Why else would I stab myself with needles, spend hours exposed in stirrups, endure painful procedures, and subject myself to the worst emotional pain I've ever had again and again?

Because I so very much love the children I don't have in my arms just yet. Because I believe in my dreams, in my husband, and in my doctors.  Not trying is dying, and I'm not ready to let my dreams die.

Peace, Love, and implanting embryos,


  1. I am praying for you all. I wish there were magic words to help you all through this. You are so strong.

    I feel ashamed of myself for complaining about the miseries of pregnancy.. I know you would give anything for them now. If we have another child I will know better. You all can do this! I have faith it will all work out.

    -- Jess

  2. Keep fighting... Our prayers are with you all daily. We fight the cancer battle daily and I don't understand a lot of things. Why us at not even 40... this wasn't part of my 'life' plan!!! Stay strong and continue to fight for those 2 little guys or girls in there!!!

    Kim @ TC

  3. Praying for you! You are truly amazing, what a great mommy you are for your little ones. They couldn't ask for a better one. Thinking of you all.